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Dating Don'ts: 25 Reasons to Run!

Updated on September 14, 2013
Courtesy of Andy McPhillips
Courtesy of Andy McPhillips

First of all, let me preface this article by saying that I am not a success story. I am in no position to tell anyone what to do in their relationships. I will be lucky if I don’t turn into Miss Havisham with my dog Lulu acting as my Estella. I can, however, tell you what not to do. Perhaps that way you can avoid the scummiest of scum, the proverbial fly upon the barstool, the ever present but never invited - tool. All of the following suggestions stem from things that actually happened to me in the company of multiple tools and one complete tool box, and did not, I repeat did not, bring me all the joy and happiness I had hoped. Had I followed my instincts I would have been able to participate in a marathon by now.

Secondly, there is one suggestion that requires special attention. I find it to be the most important suggestion of all because it does not just break your heart but it also makes you go broke. That suggestion is this – don’t be the first one to break out your credit card on a first date. Its okay to spend equally on each other, but a guy should be a guy here. Chivalry is nearing death but let’s not put the last nails in the coffin. The guy should at least offer to pay your way. This is something I wish I had stuck to on my first date with my first boyfriend. Yes, I had a credit card before I had a boyfriend. I was a late bloomer…or so my mother tells me. Well, that credit card came out of my wallet on our first date and it never went back inside. It was like a tiny child that we reared together. It was never out of his sight, it was praised each time it slid through the cash register, and it was scolded when it ran out of funds. I’m quite certain he felt that we should have had joint custody after the separation. That being said, if a guy doesn’t get his card or his cash out for your first date – RUN!

25 Reasons to Run

  1. If a guy tells you how blonde and tan his ex-girlfriend was – run!
  2. If a guy thinks your purse is ugly or cheap, hates your boots, or thinks your favorite sweatshirt makes you look like you’re wearing a garbage bag – run!
  3. If a guy you were dating takes your co-worker/not-so-good friend out behind your back – run from both of them!
  4. If a guy never takes you to his house or his parent’s house but can take you to the homes his friends, his great uncle twice-removed, or his old neighbor that he met once – run!
  5. If you find a pair of women’s shoes in the front seat of his car – run!
  6. If he’s carrying around his ex-girlfriend’s license – run!
  7. If he doesn’t have a birth certificate – run, because he is most likely an alien!
  8. If the only present he’s ever bought you is with your own credit card – run!
  9. If a guy only wants to text or Skype – shut down your computer and run!
  10. If he calls you from California only to tell you that he’s “thinking” about breaking up with his Californian girlfriend and now he wants you to visit – hang up and run!
  11. If he doesn’t like your hair unless it’s “perfectly” straight – run!
  12. If he never comes to holiday celebrations, weddings, or little things like your birthday – run!
  13. If he brags to his friends that you will drink that TRIPLE shot of Rumplemintz and Everclear that the bartender poured as a joke – run and get your head examined!
  14. If he still lives in his parent’s basement even when he has a child to support, I’m sorry but – run!
  15. If he makes you go to the dentist and hold his foot when he gets a tooth pulled – run before he spits blood and it gets on your shoes!
  16. If he makes you watch him play in his Tuesday night hockey league game rather than taking you to a movie like he promised – run! He won’t even finish the game anyway. He’ll feign injury about ten minutes into it.
  17. If a guy tells you that you were “waaaaaay skinnier” when he first met you – punch him in the face and run!
  18. If a guy has four children from different women – for God’s sake, run!
  19. If a guy asks you out only to leave you sitting by yourself in the booth of a seedy bar while he motorboats another girl right in front of you – laugh at your own stupidity and run!
  20. If guy wants you to go to a strip club before noon – the strippers are still practicing then so you have plenty of time to run!
  21. If a guy asks a friend to go with for your weekend trip when you’ve flown thousands of miles to see him for only three days – run into a cab back to the airport!
  22. If his “ex” girlfriend calls your work every thirty seconds for an entire week just to alternate screaming obscenities at you or start sobbing – Seriously? Run!
  23. If you have to keep him on one side of the house and your brother on the other during Easter – run! If your family hates him that much, something is definitely wrong.
  24. If a guy makes you drive to Oklahoma in a fifteen- year-old car with a dirt bike pipe in place of an exhaust system when he doesn’t have a license and probably has warrants out that should keep him from leaving the state – run into the bathroom at the first truck stop and call for help!
  25. If a guy’s best friends, relatives, acquaintances, and people he’s just met tell you to run – don’t just run, sprint!

I know what you may be thinking, and maybe I’m not the brightest bulb on the tree but it’s hard to see the faults in people once you care about them. It’s an even tougher pill to swallow once you know you have been duped, but it happens. To some people, it happens more than once. Thankfully, the good ones are out there. Just don’t ask me where.

Yeah, I've been there...

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