ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Dating Advice for Someone Who is Inexperienced

Updated on February 8, 2015

Whether offline or online dating, if you lack one of the most important skills in human relations, chances are you are bound to fail miserably, possibly on your first date or somewhere later down the road.

According to Human Relation specialists, in the language of transactional analysis, each conversation between two individuals is called a transaction. Every social or work-related contact you have with another person involves a series of transactions between ego states.

In a social setting for example, conversation between two people can be either complementary, crossed, or even ulterior in nature. When you are dating someone, whether you are out together, or having a conversation with them online or via phone, the conversation between you and that individual may end prematurely, if your date doesn't get the kind of responses anticipated, due to your lack of sensitivity, lack of empathy or your overall poor communication skills.

Complementary Transactions

In the case of complementary transactions,Human Relations specialist, James and Jongeward, defined a complementary transaction as one that occurs when a message sent from a specific ego state of one individual gets the predicted or desired response from a specific ego state in the other person.

For example, let's pay very close attention to this scenario: Two persons I shall call Joe and Sally, were both out on a date. This day in question, Joe needed to talk her because he was feeling depressed with financial issues. Sally noted he sounded somewhat down and asked him if he was okay. He told her that he may have to find a job that pays more. Sally replied " I can only imagine how you are feeling at the moment Joe, it's certainly not easy getting by these days."

As you can see, the above conversation illustrates one that's complementary in nature. Joe was hoping to receive a sympathetic response from Sally and he indeed receives the expected response, so communication will likely to continue. According to Eric Berne, the first rule of communication is that communications will proceed smoothly as long as transactions/responses are complementary.

Crossed Transactions

A crossed transaction occurs during a conversation between two individuals when the sender of the message or the person who says something does not get the type of response he/she had anticipated from the other person, but instead, gets a response that surprises and irritates him/her. When this occurs, communication and emotional control usually breaks down. A crossed transaction will create tension between two people.

Take for example, if Sally had responded instead "It may not be possible for you to find another job, things are pretty tight in the job market right now." Sally's response would not have met Joe's need for a sympathetic word or an empathetic response. This is not considered effective communication but rather frustration that may cause the conversation to be terminated prematurely.

Ulterior Transactions

This occurs when the statement of comment you have made says one thing but has another concealed meaning. In the context of human relations, this is considered an ulterior transaction. The hidden message is sent disguised as a socially acceptable communication. Like crossed messages, making statements or comments that are ulterior in nature, should be avoided because they create unnecessary barriers to effective person-person communication.

In regards to this type of communication, the second person does not know whether to respond to the hidden meaning of the message( if it can be identified) or to the surface meaning of the message. The result is often an unproductive emotional reaction to the situation.

Statements or comments that are ulterior in nature often cause a breakdown in friendships or relationships. The road to successful dating online or offline, can be sidetracked or marred by vague ulterior statements, or comments, during a conversation. It's best not to make people search for hidden meanings.


No doubt, good communication skills is one vital key to successful dating, so be careful of what you say or how you respond to comments or statements during a conversation with your offline or online dates. You should avoid saying things that may either make your date feel uncomfortable or statements that send messages that are ulterior or crossed in nature; This can create a major obstacle to your success in building potential strong and lasting relationships.

Remember, sometimes people just need to talk to someone who is willing to listen to their problems, someone who can offer some support. During a rather sensitive moment like this, you have to be very careful of the things you say or how you say whatever you have to say.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment
    • mackyi profile imageAUTHOR

      I.W. McFarlane 

      7 years ago from Philadelphia

      Thanks Bella Nina,when I first came across all this information I was somewhat astonished!It made me really think. It really made me realize the importance of good communication skills. No doubt, good communication skills is the art of making others feel comfortable. It can help you to seal a deal, land you a great job etc, but more importantly, it's definitely the key when it comes to dating in general!

    • Bella Nina profile image

      Bella Nina 

      7 years ago from USA

      Very interesting. Made me stop and think about the way we communicate overall. Voted up.

    • mackyi profile imageAUTHOR

      I.W. McFarlane 

      7 years ago from Philadelphia

      Kerlynb,it's always a pleasure reading your hubs/comments. I sincerely believe you shouldn't have any problem meeting a compatible partner! Your communication skills are great and so are your overall human relation skills. I think I have raised a lot of critical points that should not be overlooked. You should test these a let me know the outcome. Good luck!

    • kerlynb profile image


      7 years ago from Philippines, Southeast Asia, Earth ^_^

      Argh! So many Filipinos have given online dating a try, but not me :( This year, I just might :) Wish me luck! I'll use your hub as a guide.

    • mackyi profile imageAUTHOR

      I.W. McFarlane 

      7 years ago from Philadelphia

      Thanks for reading this hub pajamazzon. It's always a pleasure sharing information I find worthwhile sharing!

    • mackyi profile imageAUTHOR

      I.W. McFarlane 

      7 years ago from Philadelphia

      Hi vocalcoach,thanks for your comment and your vote. It's always a pleasure sharing my new findings!

    • pajamazzon profile image


      7 years ago

      This is a great hub! thanks for sharing your thoughts

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 

      7 years ago from Idyllwild Ca.

      I love learning new things and did so in your hub. I voted up. Well done.



    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)