Dating and Marrying Chinese Girls
Dating and Marrying Chinese Girls Pole
Why would you like to date or marry a Chinese girl?
Dating Chinese Girls
After living in China for eight for years I'm often asked how to date a Chinese girl by the guys I know. Some are wanting to simply date Chinese girls, whereas others want to marry Chinese women. Bearing in mind China has a culture that spans thousands of years and Chinese people are exceptionally different in thought and action compared to westerners, this subject warrants some attention. I recall a guy I knew some years ago who was really into one particular Chinese girl I had met a few times. After having spoken to her I knew, due to experience, that a relationship between him and her was never going to work. He, of course, did not want to hear this and neither did he believe it. Six months later, after much frustration and heartache on his part, he came back and simply said "you were right, I should have listened to you". Dating Chinese girls can in fact be a very steep learning curve.
Why Chinese Girls & Women Are So Different To Other Countries Females
Most countries in the world have been exposed a great deal to what could be called 'western culture', or even now, what might be called 'world culture'. This, however, is still not the case where China is concerned. The vast majority of Chinese girls born in mainland China for example, have a psychology that is very firmly rooted in their own culture. Actions and words that most of the other countries girls would find flattering or attractive, Chinese girls can find unattractive, and even sometimes insulting. From my own experience of dating western born Chinese girls and western women I'd have to say mainland Chinese females can be some of the most perplexing of females on the planet. Even many western born Chinese girls retain this cultural oddity due to their own families upbringing of them. The root psychology is very different by comparison to western females.
Chinese Dating Secrets Exposed
After many years of being asked the same questions by westerners about how to date Chinese girls I decided to write a book about this confusing subject and called it Chinese Dating Secrets Exposed. Actually beginning to date a Chinese girl I found was only the tip of the iceberg, from my own experience, and countless others, one of the big problems was navigating the many problems and misunderstandings due to the culture difference. Over a period of many years I found commonalities that almost all relationships with Chinese girls had. These I realized could be taught to people so they could avoid the many headaches and heartbreak so many westerners had faced.
Common Problems Faced
The following are some of the common complaints I hear from western guys who are dating or are married to a Chinese girl:
1. She gets too over-emotional, not just in the way a western woman would, but really 'over the top' emotional.
2. She's way too possessive, and I can't understand because it wasn't like that in the beginning of our relationship.
3. She seems to think it's acceptable and necessary that she controls the finances. How can I deal with this without going against her culture, after all, I should adapt to her too.
4. She's incredibly bossy, and if I don't do what she wants she often cries. Why is it a grown adult can behave like this? Is this acceptable in Chinese culture, and what should I do?
The above are only some of the common problems. Now, you may say "well, it's ok; if the problems become too much I will simply change my girlfriend", but if you have ever dated a Chinese girl before you will know this is much easier said than done. And the truth is, by that time compared to other girls you have dated before, you may consider your Chinese girlfriend close to perfect in most other ways, but those problems just won't go away by themselves, and don't imagine a one time conversation about these issues will change anything, because more often than not, they won't. Not unless of course she can change her whole basic psychology (not really a possibility by the way).
If you are still considering the 'leave her' option you should know that Chinese girls can find all kinds of angles to keep you.... and as a man who has been subject to them, and knowing many others who have also been too, you should know that once she gets going on her mission you won't want to leave her either.... at least not until the next time. It's much better in the beginning to have the inside track and then steer the relationship down a path that will be mutually beneficial and satisfying, this way you get the girl you want, and she gets the man she wants. 'Happily ever after', as they say.
Could You Have a Successful & Happy Relationship With a Chinese Girl?
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Re-framing Her View
One big problem in a relationship with a Chinese girl is peer pressure. Whereas a western female will view her own opinion as much more important than anybody else's, a Chinese female will, more often than not due to cultural conditioning, view everybody else's view of her and her life as more relevant than even her own opinion of her life, and relationship situation.
It's not simply enough to say "oh, who cares what they think!", because she does, more than you or I could ever really know. Chinese culture makes a huge deal about the concept of 'face', and, in truth, Chinese females are constantly comparing themselves to each other, and if all her friends and family don't think she is a girl with 'face', in view of her relationship with you, then that will become a serious issue in your relationship with her at some stage.
To re-frame her view in regard to this is actually very important, because if you don't do it quick, she will get in the habit of expecting to get all the things from you that she has always gotten from you. By this I do not necessarily mean 'material things', although that could be part of it. I mean there will be numerous things you are expected to do related to her family and friends, things that will give her 'good face'. It may sound strange to say now, if you haven't already had a relationship with a Chinese female before, but you are not Chinese (unless you are of course, in which case you might as well skip this), getting her to clearly understand this, and accept what is reasonable for her to expect from you is just one of the re-framing points you will have to implement in your relationship with her at some stage.
Dating Chinese Girls Online and Online Dating Scams
If you are going to go down the route of dating a Chinese girl online then you should be quite careful. There are websites and profiles set up that are, in fact, not genuine people looking for marriage and dating with a westerner. Within China itself it can work in several different ways, for example: A Chinese girl who goes to a dating agency in China, but can speak very little English, pays for the dating services; then an interpreter sends emails to the westerner who has replied to the online profile. In truth, the Chinese female, may or may not know he is doing this, or at least it's very unlikely she knows; he will then ask for some money to be sent under some pretence.
Getting the females phone number as soon as possible is a good idea, no matter how little English she may or may not speak. But just a word of warning, the agencies that are really good at this give one number out to many different males and have a Chinese girl who is fairly fluent in English answer the calls. Another good tip is to get to see her on the web-cam as soon as possible, so as to allay any doubts you may have.
There are a couple of reputable online dating sites I would recommend, as any hint of scamming by a member will lead to their profile being banned . One is http://www.chinalovematch.net/, which has a nice easy to navigate site with a large choice of Chinese women to get to know. The other is http://www.chineselovelinks.com/. Just one point: Although these sites are free to join, that doesn't mean in actual fact you will be able to have a conversation with the females on the sites as you will need to subscribe first. Chinalovematch.net does, for example, let you send and receive 'hugs'; but to be honest with you though, if I want a hug I'll go see my mom!
Marrying A Chinese Girl From Mainland China
Compared to many countries, the legal requirements for marrying a Chinese girl are quite simple and straight forward. Assuming you are not from mainland China, there are only really three things you will need to take with you to the marriage registry office. 1. Your passport, this is a substitute for a Chinese I.D. 2. A certificate of no lawful impediment; this is obtained from your native countries embassy, and is simply a certificate that states that you are not married/still married to someone in your native country. The cost for this is dependent on your country of origin, but usually can cost upwards of $200.And lastly, 3. A certificate from the local province governing office saying it has received copies of you passport and certificate of no lawful impediment (they charge you to photocopy this!) and are allowing you to marry a native Chinese female.
Another point to bear in mind if you plan going down this route is that, unlike in western countries, the marriage certificate is not signed on the same day as the wedding ceremony. Sometimes it's way before the actual wedding ceremony, or actually after the wedding ceremony, depending on her families requirements (note: I say her families requirements, and not your requirements, or your future wives requirements; this is an important point).
Where To Find More Information on Dating & Marrying Chinese Girls
In truth, there are very few valid sources of information when dating a Chinese girl and how to deal with the problems that you will no doubt face. A good blog is by a Chinese girl called Crystal Tao, at lovelovechina.com providing advice from a Chinese girls perspective. If you want advice from a more western perspective feel free to visit my blog, it's updated regularly with articles about dating Chinese girls, Marrying Chinese women and Chinese news of interest.
Just one last piece of advice: When you do begin a relationship with a Chinese girl, you will probably within the first three months feel like 'this is the one', she may well be, but just know that, that is a very common reaction from almost every westerner I have known; find out more before you commit, as what you think may be her true character may only be a set of culturally enforced behaviors. A Chinese females true character takes a lot longer to truly know than does a western girl. The culture is different, and so are they.