Dead for today
My face look like I got punched. In both eyes. Crying and crying. Then a headache. I couldn't even watch Hook because the glare from the screen was pulsing through my skull and into my brain.
Jared and I had another talk last night. He has the will, the way, the memory, and the good graces to fight for this. Me? I just want to hug and make up, like we always do. Eight years of running back to whats comfortable. I want to be strong, but I don't know how. Nothing is working. I write on my arm, I talk to myself, I text anyone and everyone. I stay away physically, but never emotionally. His pictures are everywhere. Him and Mike, Him and Me, Us at the lake with his hands around my stomach, Megan Him and I, His senior photo, Our homecoming picture. And that doesn't even compare.
I want his smile right in my face. I want his goofy dancing back to make me laugh. I want his hand reaching for mine. I want his lips seeking mine. I want those butterflies...the ones that left me six years ago. I want them back, and I want all those first experiences to fade from my mind. Just for a little bit.
How is it that I cannot remember what was bad?
We were Not happy. Even with those first months back being wonderful, he doesn't want the breaking end again. How come I can't view it the same way?
I know I'm to look awful today. So why strighten your hair Laura? Maybe so Amber doesn't look at me. I don't want any stupid questions posed. She needs to stay away from me. And I need to stay away from everyone else.
This is stupid. You're stupid. It will get better. Too bad you have to start all over again though, eh? Way to go.
Do yourself a favor. Zone Out. Don't think. Maybe then you'll stop crying.