- Gender and Relationships»
- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
How to deal with an obsessive or abusive person
Author: W. K. Hayes
Update: March 19th, 2017
Years ago, when I wrote this article, it was with the mindset of helping others currently experiencing what I have come through. Dealing with someone who is controlling and possessive can be very dangerous and should be taken very seriously. "Control Freaks", as I call them, are individuals who believe they have the right to exert their will upon others using violence and fear, as if it it were an acceptable behavior but it is not.
A) You CANNOT make someone be something they are not. Trying to change a person only says that you don't really love them for who they are.
B) No one person has to right to tell another person what they can and cannot do. Freedom was earned with blood and sweat and so was equality.
C) The best way to keep a relationship healthy and fun is with love. If you love someone that does not feel the same, then walk away and find someone who does. There's somebody for everybody... don't force a person into a relationship or think that keeping a person by using fear makes love real... fear should NEVER be a part of any relationship or used to continue one. You will never be able to force someone to love you... either they do or they don't.
D) Heart break hurts, as we all know but so does thumping your toe on a coffee table. Just shake it off and focus on moving on. As the old saying goes, "You can't win them all".
I know how it feels to be abused
One of the hardest lessons I have ever learned, is how to deal with an obsessive or controlling, person. Mental abuse is far more damaging than physical abuse though neither should exist in the life of a person.
People who have the tendency to be obsessive really need to rethink the person they are. If you are in a relationship with an obsessive person, you really should leave them and I mean now! Obsessive people can be turn violent, as they believe that using fear is the easiest way to control the person they are supposed to love. Obsessive people are dangerous and should be, avoided at all costs.
Still, many young people lack the people skills to recognize an obsessive person quickly enough. Truthfully, there is only one way to determine if the person you are with is obsessive, break up with them. Seriously! Tell your loved one you need a few days to decide if being in a relationship with them is what you really want.
If the person you are dating is patient and gives you, your space for that few days then you’ve found a good person to be with. However, if they start texting you and pulling on you, then they have proven that they are obsessive and more concerned with their needs than they are of yours.
Obsessive people only think they are in love with you when in fact, they are more in love with the idea they have created of you. Therefore, your relationship with them is, based on a fantasy and has no basis in reality, making the relationship plastic in nature.
If you already know the person you are with, is obsessive but are afraid to leave them you need to realize that you do have options starting with these first two options. Either you can leave on your own free will, or you can leave feet first. The choice is yours and I hope that your will to live is stronger than that.
There are battered women’s shelters where you will be safe. Get a restraining order. The restraining order, itself, might seem pretty, useless but trust me, it is still a good idea to get one. By federal law, if a person has a restraining order or a domestic violence charge against them, they are, not allowed to buy a firearm or be in possession of one. If your boyfriend or husband has a firearm, be sure to let the police know when you file for the restraining order.
In some cases, I have seen where going to stay with cousins that live far away has proven to work. Make sure you alert the police and sheriff’s department to restraining order and provide them with a good picture of the person the order is against, wherever you decide to go.
If this person makes any form of contact, let the police know immediately. You may believe that they are not doing their job but that is where you are wrong. The police cannot pick a person up for breaking the law until they find that person. Most of the time, they find people through roadblocks or simply by crossing paths with the person. Therefore, whatever you do, be patient with them and try not to freak out on them, if you can help it. Taking a bad attitude with the police will only deter them from wanting to help you.
Also, get your concealed handgun permit and arm yourself. No matter how much you might hate guns, I have always said, “It is better have a gun and not need one than to need a gun and not have one”. So, protect yourself at all times and stay safe but get the permit. The class only takes a day and the permit will allow you to buy a firearm anywhere in the state. The permit also allows you to keep the gun on you at all times with the exception of banks and government buildings.
Make sure you get the childproof lock if you have children and keep the gun and key in two separate locations away from your children. Childproof locks should be, provided for free buy all firearm dealers in accordance with Federal Firearm laws. This is a mandatory federal law. Also, keep the ammo in a third location. This is only when you feel more safe.
Until then, keep the gun close to you. My suggestion would be to stick the gun under the edge of the mattress. First, always check that the safety is set to on before lying down. Place the gun at the head of the bed with the barrel facing the wall at a thirty-degree angle. Do not allow any part of the gun to show.
As for buying the gun that is best suited to your needs, most, law enforcement officials recommend a .22 caliber pistol. Your accuracy is greatly, improved by using a smaller caliber and the smaller caliber is less likely to kill your intended target.
Do not go for the gun until you can safely pull it out. Tipping your hand too soon, could cause the person to take the gun and use it on you. If you hear someone break into your house, get the gun. If they are already on top of you, keep them distracted by focusing your fight on the opposite side of where they are looking until you can reach the gun and use it to stop the attack.
By law, you have to give them a warning to stop. If they refuse, shoot them in the arm or leg to get them off you. If they continue, shoot them again until they stop. Think like a cop, have them get down on the floor with their hands behind their head and call for help.
DO NOT worry about them being hurt. They obviously did not care about attacking you in the safety of your new home. Just keep the gun on them until the cops arrive.
After being in this kind of abusive relationship for nine years, I know how hard it is to get free of the pain. For the same reason, I should have walked away when I realized the kind of person she was, the instant I realized it.
I cannot stress this enough to you…you do have options…get away from the psycho and set yourself free. You do not have to stay in a bad relationship. You do have people that will help you so please don’t think you are alone.
If you ever need me to talk to, you can reach me here or through one of my websites, Personal Advisor. The website is free and so is my friendship. Please do not hesitate to reach me.
Obsessive behavior can be dangerous. Please be careful and make every attempt to escape in the safest, possible manner. You can get out of the situation and there is hope. Please do not forget this...there is hope.
Update: December 23rd, 2016
Over the past several years since publishing the article, I have done my best to help people break free of poisonous relationships, control freaks and well...jerks. It does not matter if you are a man or a woman, BOTH sexes are victims of these bad relationships, as mentioned here in this article.
Secondly, control freaks are people who cannot get their own lives under control and think that the only way to accomplish this is by controlling others and that is not a viable solution. I once had a friend. Her partner was confined to a wheelchair. Because of this, he constantly tried telling her what to do, how to do it and when to do it. Not because he was asking for help but because he felt inferior to her because of his disability. So, he thought the only way to keep her was to control her. She gave him plenty of opportunity to stop abusing her but in the end, he lost her because of backwards thinking like that.
Be with someone because of love and no other reason or the relationship will fail because it was built on lies and bullying. Love or leave but why say you love someone if they're just a possession for you to dictate to? That's not a relationship and it sure isn't love. Let them go. If you truly care about someone then shouldn't you only want their happiness above your own?