- Gender and Relationships
How to Deal With Your Husband's Ex-Wife
Frustrations With Husband's Ex-Wife
If you are married to a man who was once married and has children with his ex-wife, or if your husband has a "baby mama," then you may relate to this kind of "baby mama drama."
First, I'd like to make it clear that I don't believe that all exes are "crazy," or any other similar word, for that matter. I'm also an ex. I also realize that some may say, "You knew he had an ex and that you were going to have to deal with this. You knew what you were getting into," and so on. Well, to a point, this is true, but let me just say that things were fine before we got married. It was not until after we said our "I do's" that things with the ex started to get crazy.
Unfortunately, I don't know if this information will actually help anyone who may be in a similar situation, but this was a good way for me to vent out my frustrations, and I would like to invite anyone else who would like to vent theirs to feel free to leave a comment.
Meeting Husband's Ex-Wife
My husband and I have been together for almost five years (married for four). He has three children with his ex, ranging in ages from 8 to 12. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, who is 11. We also have two sons together, an eight-year-old and a three-year-old.
This woman (his ex) is unbelievable! I think she may be bipolar, psychotic, or something of that nature. When I first met her, it was okay. We were pleasant to each other. She also once told me in an email that she "liked and respected" me.
The pleasantness that I displayed was:
1) for the sake of the children;
2) to help prevent her from giving my husband problems in seeing his children; and
3) just because I had no personal reasons not to be pleasant (at first).
I'm still unsure of her motive in being pleasant with me. At first I thought that maybe it was genuine, but after a while, I began to wonder.
Things were okay in the beginning. My husband was able to see his kids without problems. We would have them at least every other weekend. Sometimes we would have them every weekend for several weeks in a row and sometimes during the summer when school was out we would have them for 3-4 days at a time. Because my husband was working and I had just had a baby and was pregnant again, I wasn't working. Sometimes it was just me with all the kids for several hours. It wasn't always easy taking care of five kids, ages 0-9, while being pregnant. I didn't mind much though because he has awesome kids. His oldest daughter and my daughter love to help out with the baby.
I guess I will just cut to the chase and start with the first events that took place. I could go on forever about the first year and a half.
Major Conflict With Husband's Ex-Wife
As I said, things were decent for a while. She and my husband got along at first, but I have since learned that she is the type of woman who only does things for other people if she's getting something in return. It's her way or no way. If it doesn't benefit her, then it's not worth it to her. She's the most selfish, spoiled brat I have ever met in my entire life! But it was always okay for her to call my husband anytime she needed something. Once, she called because something was wrong with her plumbing. Another time, she called him because she was having issues with her "boyfriend of the week." It was as if any little thing happened and my husband was the first person she would call! "Oh, you're at work and 45 minutes away from my house? But my car battery is dead and I need a jump. So, why can't you help me?" What?! Like this chick doesn't have neighbors or something?? Please!!
Things Start to Go Sour
Now for the first "event" that completely soured our relationship.
First, let me say that we continuously did favors for her, mostly to stay in her good graces for the sake of my husband and the kids. You could listen to the following story and say, "So what? Why was it HER problem?" But keep in mind that we were mostly upset because we constantly went out of our way for her and she couldn't do this one little thing to make things easier for us this time.
I had all of the kids. My husband was at work. I was pregnant and started not feeling well. My husband called his ex (this was about 9:00 in the morning) to ask her to come pick up the kids because I wasn't feeling well. (It wasn't his normal weekend with them in the first place.) She told him she would call him back. About an hour went by and she had not called him back. He called her again and this is what she said. Ready for this? She said that she would not pick up the kids because she couldn't find the au pair (for those who don't know what an au pair is, it's a live-in nanny). That's right, this spoiled brat had a live-in nanny. She said that it was the nanny's weekend off and that she had a bachelorette party to go to that night, so she would not be able to pick up her children.
Well, I was in a lot of pain (in my abdomen), so my husband called his mom to come watch all the kids. He took me to the emergency room. I was only six weeks pregnant at the time and we were worried that it may have been an ectopic pregnancy (which, obviously now, it wasn't).
The next day, she sent him a text message asking how I was. Being pissed about the events the day before, he answered her text message with something like, "What do you care?" This started and huge texting war. She took a lot of shots at him, calling him things and saying things.
She had been hot and cold the whole time I had known her and I had been biting my tongue for long enough. I was sick of it! Plus my hormones were moving full speed ahead. I grabbed my phone from my husband and sent her a text of my own. Basically I said something like this: "I'm so tired of your bull*&#^. Stop blaming my husband for all of your shortcomings." She fired back with something along the lines of, "Oh I've been in your shoes, sweetheart. You just wait." Blah, blah, blah. My last text to her went like this, "You've never been in my shoes because I'm not a f-ing c*&t." Apparently, according to my husband, that is her least favorite word, so she called him after that text. She was crying and said that she would come to get the kids. He told her that she could come, but that no one would be there because we had plans to go to his dad's house to go swimming, which we did.
She called the police and said that we had refused to give her her children and that she was afraid that we would take the kids and run. Okay, first of all, where are we going to go with all those kids?! Second, it was just the day before that we couldn't get her to come pick up those kids if our lives depended on it!
The police called my husband's cellphone and he told them that she knew where we are and that she could come pick the kids up from his dads house. This chick shows up with a state trooper escort. Talk about a drama queen! The only reason she did that was have a police report on file that she could use against my husband in court. He had court dates two or three times a month after that.
It turned out that the kids didn't want to go with her. They never wanted to go! They always tell us how they don't want to go home and how they want to live with us. (I'm sure that kids say that a lot to the parent they don't live with full-time, because they miss them.) The kids were crying, tears streaming down their precious little faces, as they were ripped away from their father. This happened about three months before I wrote this. Since then we haven't seen them. About a week after that incident, she filed a PFA (protection from abuse) request, stating that she didn't want me or my husband anywhere near her or her children. Until the court date to process her request, we couldn't have contact with the kids. Now, here are my questions: Why did it take her a full week to file the PFA if she felt threatened? Why did she need a police escort to come with her to pick of the kids when just the day before, she refused to pick them up when we asked her to? I'll tell you why: The PFA benefitted her, while picking up the kids when we asked her to would not.
She Travels and Treats Herself, Leave the Kids with Us
On top of it all, she gets over half of my husband's paycheck every week. (Of course he should pay support and help take care of his children, but the amount he pays is ridiculous.) My husband doesn't make an extremely large amount of money to begin with. We struggle constantly to pay our bills, and here she is, getting her full salary plus more than half of my husband's salary. She has an au pair. In just one year, she traveled to Italy and London and took a month's vacation in Mexico. She had the money to do all of this, yet she continues to file paperwork with the court to request more child support! I'm not kidding!
Every time we see her, she's got new name-brand clothes on, yet she sends her son over in flip flops that are falling apart. She tells her kids to ask their daddy to buy them new shoes. Obviously that child support money isn't supporting the children, it's supporting her!
I don't buy myself anything! I make sure that my kids have what they need before I buy myself things. I mean, isn't that the way it should be? Shouldn't that be a real mother's instinct? Provide for your children FIRST!
Tell me, please, am I the only one that has witnessed this type of behavior from an ex?
For years, I have hoped that the B.S. would end and that we could all get along for the sake of the children and everyone's sanity. Let me tell you: It's been years now and some things have gotten better while some have gotten worse. I don't think things will ever be "normal."
I've done some research and read up of the subject. I think she may have something called PAS, or Parental Alienation Syndrome. Apparently, this type of behavior can be used against the offending parent in court. Here are some links in case anyone would like to look into it further.