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Domestic Violence - When Love turns into Abuse

Updated on March 19, 2012
Domestic Violence Kills
Domestic Violence Kills | Source

Love isn't supposed to hurt. Domestic Violence Doesn't Happen to Everyone

I've written a letter for those who deal with domestic violence. It's personal and raw. While my situation involved a man, you should know, domestic abuse happens to men too. It has no age, race, gender or sexual orientation. It is - Domestic Violence!

I've lived this life you're living. It's been something that haunts me in my sleep, my waking hours and each time I cook spaghetti. It's the reason for my broken relationships after I left him. It's the reason I seem paranoid as I teach my young daughters about relationships. It's the reason I spent the first 10 years ducking when my new loving husband moved his hand too fast. It has affected me in ways I never imagined possible - even 20 years later.

It is the pain of Domestic Violence

Do you know that is what it is called when your partner hurts you?

People tell us, "Love hurts." We believe them. How can you leave someone when you feel so lost without them?

People say, "Maybe they'll change." We want them to but then they don't, but somehow, someday they'll grow to love us enough to not hurt us. Besides, being a victim of domestic violence is mostly our fault. (at least in our heads at the time)

People say, "What did you do to make them so mad?" We walked into the room. Wrong time; wrong place?

There's a million different ways to say we deserved what happened to us. I'm pretty sure I've heard most of them -from myself. I'm not sure what causes people to feel a need to ask us what we did to result in getting harmed by a partner. I can only guess it has something to do with the idea, they cannot ask the partner why they abused us.

It's terrible being a victim of domestic abuse. It's a place of hollowness and fear. When a person's actions don't match our expectations our nature seems to be, we blame ourselves.

It's classic and I was guilty too.


Domestic Violence Makes You Think it is Your Fault

You plan a nice dinner, flowers on the table, spaghetti and meatballs with garlic toast and a salad, wine and a plan for a romantic night. Talking sweet and being the best partner you can be. Nothing can go wrong with this picture. It's all set for a night of passion and you've put on their favorite outfit and strut into the room.

The spaghetti is boiling on the stove and you walk into the kitchen. (heck with the 3rd person crap. This is real. It's me and I'm going to tell you.... )

I cooked spaghetti for him. It was as simple as that. I planned on making love with him and reaffirming our hurt relationship. He'd hurt me 3 days earlier. I was blaming myself and I planned to fix it. That's right. I planned to fix it! It's the world of the abused.

Being a victim of domestic violence we are sure it is our fault, our problem, our need to resolve.

The spaghetti looked great to me. I hadn't cooked it many times before. It was a simple meal in my mind. How could I mess that up?

Apparently, I did!

I put it on his plate and carried it to the table. I poured a little wine and kissed him softly. It seemed to be going well. I was young and naive, thinking this was going to be the night that put us back on the map. Happy and carefree, I sat at the table across from him. I smiled and gave him the look as if to say, "Tonight is the night." He smiled back and I got that warm fuzzy feeling. He's the only one who could make me feel like that.

The happenings of the night a few days back seemed to disappear and I was no longer afraid. Certain my feminine wiles would keep him from ever repeating the hurt, I pushed on and tried to forget.


Domestic Violence Can Strike When You Least Expect It

What happened? Wait! Please don't! I'm sorry.

Just as the spaghetti hit his mouth the world turned upside down. It happened so fast, I still don't know what exactly happened. Before I knew it, I was against the wall and so was the plate of spaghetti. Complete terror! A dream, a nightmare. I couldn't scream, I couldn't breathe. He was there and much bigger; much stronger. At 128 pounds and barely 5'3 I stood little chance with this behemoth of a man. I was sure he was going to kill me.

I felt a tear leave my eye and the fear grew. Just 3 nights earlier I'd made him more angry than I ever dreamed. Why? Because while he was screaming, I cried. Tears made him angry!

I blinked back my tears but it was no use. Suddenly I felt a pain in the back of my head. I thought I'd gotten a headache from all the yelling and holding my breath out of fear.

No. It wasn't that at all. My head hurt because his hands were wrapped tightly around my neck and my head was hitting the wall.

Your abuser makes you feel stupid, crazy or unworthy.


My first thought was, "I'm going to die over spaghetti!" then, "I am so stupid. I don't even know how to cook spaghetti."

Me: "I'm sorry, please don't be angry, I'll make you some more."

Him: "Don't be sorry. Pay attention! How F$##n hard is it to boil noodles!"

It wasn't a question he was asking, but a reinforcement of my previous thought. "I am so stupid. I don't even know how to cook spaghetti."

20 years later, I realize I was groveling when I asked him to show me how to make spaghetti. I made him feel useful and needed. I confirmed his behavior was reasonable. I let him put ice on my head and apologize for his behavior and swear he would never do it again. I told him, "It's all my fault for not cooking spaghetti the right way. I'll pay attention next time."

He was such a sweetheart telling me, "It's ok baby, you'll learn how to cook someday." <sarcasm>

Remember that love making I planned for? It happened! He was more attentive than ever and I felt completely loved. I had to forgive him!

I put up with this a few times a year at first. Then it became once a month and then once a week. Before I knew it, I walked around scared all the time. Who knew when the explosion would take place? Who knew when he would kill me? He told me he would.

Who knew this was domestic abuse? This was what everyone meant by, "Love hurts." I screwed up, it hurt. I was a bad girlfriend trying to play house. It was definitely, my fault not domestic violence.


I LEFT!

Yay me! I grew a brain and I moved out. So proud of myself. It was the right thing to do. I had been paying the bills for both of us. His car payment, our house payment - all of it. Now the money was mine. I took care of both of us, I could live a good life on my own. I got an apartment with a friend and bought myself many nice things. I started dating and having fun with friends for the first time in years I felt happiness and security.

There was only one problem - I missed him. He was the only one to ever understand me. He called me almost daily to tell me how he'd changed. I was sure he was telling the truth. I tried to make him angry on the phone and I couldn't spark his temper for anything. He sent me flowers and nice gifts. He told me he wanted a baby and to marry me.

True commitment? He was ready to be a family? He'd grown up! My dreams had become a reality.

I Went Back!

It wasn't long before I moved back in. We spent every day together and things seemed perfect. I was pregnant within a couple of weeks and he shared the excitement too. I couldn't have been happier.

Things went well for a few months but it wasn't long before the yelling began. It was always over the stupidest things. Where were the towels? The table isn't set properly. Why is the faucet dripping?

The baby was born and things seemed fine for a few more months. It was a natural decision to get married. Mommy + Daddy + Baby = Marriage and a happy family of 3.

I Married Him!

I was finally worthy of him. I married him at the Justice of Peace. We said our vows and left the courthouse. My husband, my love, my protector, my man! What could be better?

Stop! Before we went to the Justice of Peace, there was something I forgot to tell you That morning he walked in the room and said, "So, what do ya say we head down to the J.O.P. and get hitched?" How romantic! He loved me and he wanted to marry me. I was worthy! I knew how to cook spaghetti. I had his baby. Why not be his wife?

I had bought a dress 2 years earlier for our wedding. It was simple and elegant and white - a steal for $50. I'd tried it on a few hundred times and I felt like a queen.

I looked in the mirror and felt more beautiful than I ever had in my life. I walked out to get in the car and he says, "Ok Virgin Mary, that's not your best look." I should have told him to kick rocks, but I didn't. Conditioning I guess. Instead, I went inside and picked a dress he always liked. I got in the car and we headed to the courthouse. He never told me I was beautiful. He kept watching his watch. I thought he had an appointment with the judge.

The wedding took all of 5 minutes with the clerk serving as a witness, the papers were signed and I was Mrs. "Butthead!"

You'll never guess what happens next. We walk out of the courthouse and he says, "I've got plans with a couple of guys from work, so I'll drop you off at home and I'll be home later tonight."

I was so conditioned, I didn't even cry. Oh God no! Never cry.

The control was only beginning. Day after day he would take off and leave me alone with the baby. I may as well have been a single mother. I stared in her eyes at 3 months old and asked her if she'd hate me for leaving him. He'd leave us with just enough food to eat and enough to make his dinner. It had better be on time, even when I didn't know what time he'd be home. I dare never to question him. Proven time and again, my head would meet the wall.

Domestic Violence Usually Gets Worse and More Frequent. Not Better!

I put up with this a few times a year at first. Then it became once a month and then once a week. Before I knew it, I walked around scared all the time. Who knew when the explosion would take place? Who knew when he would kill me? He told me he would.

Who knew this was domestic abuse? This was what everyone meant by, "Love hurts." I screwed up, it hurt. I was a bad girlfriend trying to play house. It was definitely, my fault not domestic violence.


I LEFT!

Yay me! I grew a brain and I moved out. So proud of myself. It was the right thing to do. I had been paying the bills for both of us. His car payment, our house payment - all of it. Now the money was mine. I took care of both of us, I could live a good life on my own. I got an apartment with a friend and bought myself many nice things. I started dating and having fun with friends for the first time in years I felt happiness and security.

There was only one problem - I missed him. He was the only one to ever understand me. He called me almost daily to tell me how he'd changed. I was sure he was telling the truth. I tried to make him angry on the phone and I couldn't spark his temper for anything. He sent me flowers and nice gifts. He told me he wanted a baby and to marry me.

True commitment? He was ready to be a family? He'd grown up! My dreams had become a reality.

I Went Back!

It wasn't long before I moved back in. We spent every day together and things seemed perfect. I was pregnant within a couple of weeks and he shared the excitement too. I couldn't have been happier.

Things went well for a few months but it wasn't long before the yelling began. It was always over the stupidest things. Where were the towels? The table isn't set properly. Why is the faucet dripping?

The baby was born and things seemed fine for a few more months. It was a natural decision to get married. Mommy + Daddy + Baby = Marriage and a happy family of 3.

I Married Him!

I was finally worthy of him. I married him at the Justice of Peace. We said our vows and left the courthouse. My husband, my love, my protector, my man! What could be better?

Stop! Before we went to the Justice of Peace, there was something I forgot to tell you That morning he walked in the room and said, "So, what do ya say we head down to the J.O.P. and get hitched?" How romantic! He loved me and he wanted to marry me. I was worthy! I knew how to cook spaghetti. I had his baby. Why not be his wife?

I had bought a dress 2 years earlier for our wedding. It was simple and elegant and white - a steal for $50. I'd tried it on a few hundred times and I felt like a queen.

I looked in the mirror and felt more beautiful than I ever had in my life. I walked out to get in the car and he says, "Ok Virgin Mary, that's not your best look." I should have told him to kick rocks, but I didn't. Conditioning I guess. Instead, I went inside and picked a dress he always liked. I got in the car and we headed to the courthouse. He never told me I was beautiful. He kept watching his watch. I thought he had an appointment with the judge.

The wedding took all of 5 minutes with the clerk serving as a witness, the papers were signed and I was Mrs. "Butthead!"

You'll never guess what happens next. We walk out of the courthouse and he says, "I've got plans with a couple of guys from work, so I'll drop you off at home and I'll be home later tonight."

I was so conditioned, I didn't even cry. Oh God no! Never cry.

The control was only beginning. Day after day he would take off and leave me alone with the baby. I may as well have been a single mother. I stared in her eyes at 3 months old and asked her if she'd hate me for leaving him. He'd leave us with just enough food to eat and enough to make his dinner. It had better be on time, even when I didn't know what time he'd be home. I dare never to question him. Proven time and again, my head would meet the wall.

Domestic Violence Affects Children Too

The Day I Left for Good! ( I never encourage anyone to take the stance I did.) You should leave! Just leave! Keep it as calm as possible until it's safe - then leave! I got very lucky this didn't get me dead!


The baby was sleeping in her baby seat on the floor. I had just dodged a soda bottle earlier that morning because he spilled some on himself. I had become a bit of an antagonist by this point, meaning, I would say things that were spiteful because I figured there was no use trying to be nice. I laughed at his spilled soda and quietly told him to pay attention. Eek! If it was going to hurt, I may as well earn it. Right? He laughed too with a, "You really think you're funny," sort of laugh.

I'd grown up a little and was sick and tired of cowering to him. I was no longer the young girl he married.

It was dinner time and I set the table. He made it to his chair before I did and sat down. I had walked over to check on the baby when I heard a sound. It was something ungodly. I think he was growling! There was some unintelligent grumbling as he was seemingly talking to the table. I knew I'd done something wrong. Oh my God! What? I'd perfected the dinner thing. My mind was racing, my heart was pounding. The baby was sleeping and I stood between her and the table. I dare not move. There was no way he was getting to her before I did. I knew it was going badly, but I didn't know why.

I asked him what was wrong just as I noticed the fork. I didn't remember putting it there, but it was obviously in the wrong spot. How in the heck did it get there?

Before I knew it, the fork was in flight towards my face. I dodged the fork and followed it with my eyes through the air. Remember the baby?

It was headed straight for her and there was NOTHING I could do! I started toward her and the fork passed through a curl in her hair. She was safe, but I wanted to hold her. I reached for her and suddenly, I was off my feet. I felt myself moving through the air with no control.

I flew over the baby and landed, half on the floor, half on the couch. He was coming at me with so much rage. I pleaded, prayed and covered my face. Here I go again, I have a headache! That wall is so tough! I'm sure he could have hit my head off that wall for years without making a dent. Concrete? I don't know. The baby was screaming and I feared she'd watch me die.

This time, I told him, "Calm the F#$k down!" He didn't like tears, so I'd learned to curse him. I screamed at him, "You almost hurt the baby, you S.O.B.!" He told me I almost hurt the baby,because I didn't pay attention. Again, I told him to calm down. He became furious! He told me if I told him to calm down one more time, it would be my last mistake. I started to punch him but he assured me if I did, he'd kill me.

I said, "You might as well, it's going to happen someday. Let's get it over with!" Suddenly, I feared he would. I saw him think about it and inside I prayed he would not.

I don't know if he felt my fear turn to rage or if he was just tired of fighting. He slammed the door and left the house. I grabbed the baby and we both cried. We were so lucky! I had been ridiculously stupid! I had taken an unnecessary chance with her watching.

That was it! The breaking point. I had to go, for her! I'd gone to the point of daring her father to kill me right before her very eyes. It had to end.

In 45 minutes, I moved! I took the baby and all her things, my clothes and personal effects. I walked away and left everything else. I'd planned this day for awhile. Thankfully, he insisted I keep the house spotless and organized. This time, it worked to my advantage.

The Reason I Never Went Back! - not that being abused wasn't enough.


I almost went back, but a lady told me something I'll never forget. She said, "Most abused women will go back 7 times! The 7th time, they'll either live with domestic abuse forever or get killed or permanently harmed."

I'd already gone back 6 times. Each time had taken longer to decide to leave. Each time it happened sooner and more violently. Each time I thought I learned, what not to do. Each time, I thought he was better. Each time, I thought ___________!

Domestic abuse is not love! It is not a way of life. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You can't fix an abusive partner. Abuse happens to males and females. It has no boundaries!

YOU ARE WORTHY - without the abusive partner!


Domestic violence is going to take away your self-esteem. It will take your individuality. You will lose your friends. You will lose the ability to trust - everyone! You may lose your life or your child!

Do something today! GET OUT! STAY OUT! Live!

In the U.S., call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

For more information:

Visit http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

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    • profile image

      Unknown 5 years ago

      Jason Speegle

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      BeyondMax,

      I'm sorry you too have to know the pain of being abused by someone who is supposed to love you and treat you well. I am glad you have survived the situation.

      I will never and I will never try to understand a person that harms another in such a way. It is beyond me and I'd like to keep it there.

      I am soft spoken and even afraid to raise my voice even when I know others would be right in doing so. I'm not timid really, just afraid of finding a level of anger that would result in such violence even though I do not believe I have it in me.

      Hugs to you! Thank you for such a valuable comment.

    • BeyondMax profile image

      BeyondMax 5 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Tam, you are my hero! Thank you for writing this amazing piece, people have to see it and to hear about it. So much stays behind the closed doors... I can sure relate myself, as a child I was living my own nightmare from the hands of my own mother and it took me ages to overcome the fears and I'm still carrying the scars physical and emotional from those long gone years.

      Like you said, the most important thing is to stay alive and find it inside ourselves to move on! I say, thank you, hugs and loves, sister! Very well-written hub.

    • Tams R profile image
      Author

      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Billybuc, thank you again. You are brave! I have several life experiences (too many). This is as much about awareness to others as a way of dealing with my own life.

      I have no choice than to write from the heart. If I didn't I would have nothing else to say.

      Thanks again!

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      Tams, people call me brave for speaking my story about alcoholism but I'll tell you something lady, you are in a different realm of brave with this hub. I'm not sure why you don't have 5000 followers but keep writing from the heart and you will have more followers than you know what to do with. This is powerful and I felt honored being allowed to read it. Thank you!

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Sunbun143, Thank you for your compliments and encouragement. I cannot comprehend how many times I've written something about this time in my life and deleted it. I'm glad I didn't do that this time.

    • sunbun143 profile image

      sunbun143 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA

      You are an amazing woman, mother, writer, and storyteller...I kept wishing it were fiction, but through your words, I felt your very real pain and anguish. Thank you so much for sharing this...you are so brave and your strength and honesty is inspiring.

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      heart4theworld AND everyone who has voted and commented on this hub,

      Thank you so much for your comments and votes. I could never have imagined or even wished this story to gain a nomination for any award.

      Whether it wins or does not is not effectual to me so long as it reaches that one person who needs it when they need it. One person, one goal, one desire to empower one person to get out, stay out and stay alive. Thank you everyone.

    • heart4theword profile image

      heart4theword 5 years ago from hub

      Good you finally stayed out! Love shouldn't hurt...bringing your child up in a loving environment, is the best thing you could do for the both of you. You are a very brave woman, relating the details of your story...in hopes to help another. So glad you were able to change your lives:) It is amazing even when we are older the things that surface, that need attending to. Timing is everything, when it comes to the healing of our hearts. Keep on writing and making right choices for your life:)

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      vrbmft, Thank you for taking time to comment. I understand what you mean by the shame of sticking around for more, but I think it is all part of the conditioning of the abused.

    • vrbmft profile image

      Vernon Bradley 5 years ago from Yucaipa, California

      Hi Tams R

      Thanks for sharing your very personal story and thanks for sharing it so realistically, no holds barred, so to speak. There are a lot of "good" reasons why folks are abusive and why folks stick around to be abused. On some level, you can find "threads" that make it all make sense, but nevertheless crazy and incomprehensible. And THANKS for getting out so you could LIVE to share the story. I'm glad I followed my instinct to take the time to read this this morning. WELL WRITTEN as well. Thanks for adding that it happens to both men and women. The shame of being on the receiving end of objects flying at me, on one occasion a plate of hot food, and sticking around for more sometimes still haunts me.

      Vern

    • Tams R profile image
      Author

      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      RealConception7, Being a person that has raised my voice 3 times in my life to my partner, I have no idea how people do these things. 2 of those times were to the person in this article and even then it was provoked for years before I was able to reach that point.

      Thank you for commenting and reading my hub.

    • RealConception7 profile image

      RealConception7 5 years ago

      How can a human harm another and do nothing while seeing them suffer? People are monsters.

    • Tams R profile image
      Author

      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      AEvans, Thank you for commenting. I'm sorry you have the knowledge of this pain. I hope you have made it out as well. I will never understand the anger that lives within a person to be so cruel to hurt another.

    • AEvans profile image

      Julianna 5 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

      Thank God you got out alive. Many women and men do not and they believe it can get better. Horrible that you had to endure all of that pain and abuse from a person, I am happy that you found your self-worth and walked away. Unless a person has lived it they cannot always understand it. I have lived an abusive relationship and I understand what you went through. Congratulations on the hubnugget nomination and Thumbs up! :)

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Keri, I hope so too! Thank you!

    • Keri Summers profile image

      Keri Summers 5 years ago from West of England

      So sad, but empowering in the end. I hope other women (and men) are encouraged to walk away from such toxic and dangerous situations. Brave writing.

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Marcy,

      Thank you for your comment. Yes, I have come a long way and it feels good to stand on my own two feet. The lessons - I appreciate. The memories - I could live without.

    • Marcy Goodfleisch profile image

      Marcy Goodfleisch 5 years ago from Planet Earth

      A very powerful story - you've come a long way; thanks for helping others through your experience. Voted up and awesome.

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Brainy Bunny, (love your profile name) Thank you for your comment.

      Writing this hub definitely stirred an emotional roller-coaster further than I expected. I'm glad I finished it.

      Too many times I took on writing about that time in my life, but changed my mind because it took an emotional toll I could not tolerate.

    • Tams R profile image
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      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      ripplemaker, Thank you for taking time to comment. It was a painful period in my life. It feels like a dream sometimes, but it felt like a dream (nightmare) while it was happening. I often wondered if I were the only one.

      It wasn't like I could get on the internet and find someone to tell me what to do.

      I had left my family to love this man and felt confiding in them would only intensify the situation.

      Alone!

      If one person finds this hub and needs it, maybe just maybe, I will help them before it's too late.

      Interesting to me, I wrote it because someone I love was in an abusive relationship and time after time I told them my story, but they made no move to change their life.

      Their story made my past memories spread like wildfire.

      After writing the story they have changed things and seem to be headed in a better direction. Success if only for a short time.

    • Brainy Bunny profile image

      Brainy Bunny 5 years ago from Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania

      This is such an important message, and you are so brave to write it!

    • ripplemaker profile image

      Michelle Simtoco 5 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

      I am so quiet now as I read your hub and I could feel the pain, the fear, the headache, the questions and on and on and on. I am so glad you have been able to get out all in one piece. You are right. You deserve to be loved and not abused. Sending you a loving hug in the spirit for all the things you have went through and for all the beautiful things in your life now.

      Congratulations on your Hubnuggets nomination! To read and vote, this way please http://pattyinglishms.hubpages.com/hub/Presidents-...

    • Tams R profile image
      Author

      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      CM, thank you for the compliment. I'm glad you enjoyed my writing.

      Sadly, I felt it important to write about this topic because too many people suffer at the hands of someone who is supposed to love them. In your case, it is particularly bad because as a child you didn't have the option to simply get up and leave. I understand that as well.

      I believe that while I've grown and my life isn't ruled by my abuser any longer it will always have an impact.

      In some ways I'm glad I know that side of life because it has made me appreciate where I am now; something I may have otherwise taken for granted.

    • CM Sullivan profile image

      CM Sullivan 5 years ago from California

      This was very good and well written. I love your writing style, it flows so well it almost reads itself, and before I know it, its over and I want more.

      I can completely feel you when you talk about the fear that stays with you. My stepdad used to beat me when I was young (once giving me a major concussion in which all I could do was sleep the rest of the day and fell asleep in school the next day as well). When he was home I felt fear all the time and didn't want to be at home or I would hide in my room. It is strange how people that are abused relate love and family with this kind of pain and fear, even if years later it is subdued within the subconscious, it will always be there a little.

    • Tams R profile image
      Author

      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Chelsea, Thank you for stopping by. It is my hope to have someone learn from my story. No one deserves to be hurt. Thanks for commenting!

    • chelseacharleston profile image

      chelseacharleston 5 years ago

      Great topic! SO many women can benefit from this!

    • Tams R profile image
      Author

      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Kelly and Louise, I'm glad we are survivors! My self-esteem is growing and part of that is being able to share the stories of my life in a way that may help someone else. I don't think I'll ever get over cooking spaghetti but I still cook it and get reminded. I'm not sure I want that to go away. It makes me who I am. Kelly, you were very lucky to get out. I'm very happy for you!

    • louiseelcross profile image

      Louise Elcross 5 years ago from UK

      I cried when I read this hub. You are an amazing and strong woman that other women to learn from. I am very sorry that you had such a bad experience and hope your self esteem gets stronger with every passing day. Very well written.

      I have been there with the abusive partners and it took me a long time to find the courage to leave each one of them. I would never allow myself to be abused now and am still shocked when I look back and see that it happened. I wrote about my experience and why I think I allowed it to happen. voted up

    • KellyPittman profile image

      Kelly Pittman 5 years ago from Walker, LA

      I was a victim of abuse at the early age of 15. I was lucky to get out and get help that early too.

    • Tams R profile image
      Author

      Tams R 5 years ago from Missouri

      Thank you Shampa and Kelly. I've had a lot of experiences in my life and others say I should write a book. This is the first step in that direction, starting a website and hubs to help others. Shampa, it's great that you wrote about the male experience. Too many people only see the female being harmed, but it does happen both ways.

    • KellyPittman profile image

      Kelly Pittman 5 years ago from Walker, LA

      Wow. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but thankful that you are able to write about this to help others.

    • shampa sadhya profile image

      Shampa Sadhya 5 years ago from NEW DELHI, INDIA

      Voted up and useful.

      I am sorry to know about your pain and suffering but loved your ultimate decision. Life is not to be wasted due to someone else's fault. You suffered but took a strong step and that is commendable. Thanks for giving others a strong suggestion which is very much required or else the abusive partners will never realise their fault.

      Recently, I too wrote on this topic but about the male victims as I have witnessed many such cases. In every case the victim lives in an awful state. Where the males are the victims there the abuses they suffer are not very physical but mentally and emotionally they are totally broken.

      I too believe that victims should not continue to be in such relationships.

      God Bless you and your child!