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Debunking the Myth: Finding Love After 40

Updated on July 5, 2011

Masked Marauder

I wonder who started the myth that women over 40 don't stand an ice cube's chance in hell of finding a mate and marrying, whether for the first time or the 5th. Seems to me that there are loads of women over 40 who are not only extremely attractive, they're also more comfortable in their skin, more confident, and certainly more compassionate than their younger counterparts. So why do such myths continue?

If I were given a magick lamp and offered the opportunity to 'go back' to any age, I wouldn't choose any of them. I like being where I am. I like the feeling of knowing who I am and not having to subscribe to anyone else's version of who I 'should be'. I love the calm that washes over me when I'm confronted by anyone who thinks they have the right to challenge my beliefs. Most of all, I love knowing that when push comes to shove, the one person in the world I can count on is ME. It comes from living. It comes from settling in with my Self. It comes from having loved and lost and survived the whole ugly mess. Truth be told (and that's another thing that this Skin provides: truth!), I am a far better woman now than I ever was at 25 or 30. In fact, when I was in my 20's, even though I thought I had the world in my hands and nothing could stop me from doing anything I wanted, I was a total train wreck. Really. A train wreck. My feigned confidence was abrasive arrogance. I had no patience. I was a masked marauder eager for my next victim. SHEESH! What I didn't know (way back then) was a LOT.

Where are all the good ones?

I believe there are 2 kinds of men in the world: those who know who they are and those who pretend to be someone else. (This is not exclusive to men; however, I need to make a point bear with me, 'k?) I have seen many a marriage torn apart after 20 years because he found someone younger. He leaves his wife, who put him through college, bore his children and put up with his baloney while he was working his way to 'the top', all in the name of waning virility or some stupid mid-life crisis crap. He grabs up the little chickadee who makes him "feel like a man" and ditches the woman who gave her all.

Then there are the other kind. The men who do not fear their mortality. The ones who wouldn't dream of leaving their beautiful wives for a younger model. The ones who see her for who she is, in all her aging glory, and love her even more. The ones who understand that her beauty goes far beyond what can be seen with the eyes. The ones who were there when she was a train wreck and stayed for the ride anyway. The ones who went through as many changes as she did but stuck it out because they made a promise. These are the very men who'd marry a woman over 40 and be grateful for the chance. Question is, where are these men?

They're with their wives, that's where. The reason a woman over 40 might have a bigger challenge marrying is not because she's over 40. it's because most of the men who would love to marry her are already married. They were smart enough to know what they got when they got her...and held on tight. Smart men with their promises intact.

The other ones, the ones who left their wives for the little chickadee, are likely to be divorced (again...) because the little chickadee got fed up of his tired old ass and ran off with a younger man. So Mr. Lonely Bonehead is on the prowl for someone with lower standards or, at the very least, a night or two of false promise. No amount of pleading is going to get the 'old lady' back because she is not only wise to his ways, she has raised her standards and won't settle for less than she knows she deserves. Stalemate.

Plenty of fish?

There's actually an online dating site called just that. "Plenty of Fish". Go figure. There are also websites for older women, one of which is called "". When I first saw that TV ad, I laughed til I nearly fell off the couch. My Sweetie (who does happen to be a bit younger, but not because I was stuck on any of that age stuff. It just turned out that way.), came in from the other room to see what was so funny. I told him about the ad...and we had a good laugh together. I say "to each her own". Whatever floats your boat. Point is, short of going to the grocery store in hopes of bumping into the next hopeful in the produce department, there are plenty of options for women (and men) who might like to stretch a little.

I'm not suggesting that there is any truth to the myth. Nor am I suggesting that there is a shortage of good men in the world. I am suggesting that it's not about how old you are. It's not about the baggage you might have carried with you for too long. Ditch that baggage and get on with it. There is great thrill in starting over. New adventures are what keep us thirsty. Hold yourself in high esteem. Sing your own praises. Honor who you are and quit worrying about how "attractive" you may or may not be. Because it has been my experience that "beautiful" and "sexy" and "desirable" are all outward manifestations of one thing:

The courage to be who you are.


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    • danfresnourban profile image

      danfresnourban 6 years ago from Fresno, CA

      Excellent Hub, I particularly like the quote by Maya Angelou. That could not be more accurate, courage is vital. Particularly with matters of the heart.