The Misconceptions, Deep Analysis and Insight to Love
Introduction to Love
As long as human beings have been on this earth, people have felt strong emotions both positive and negative. Today, I will be shedding some light on the strong emotion (arguably the strongest emotion) we like to call love. I will be speaking about the social conceptions of love, the steps to become in love and a description of what love is when you're in it. Love is certainly a popular and controversial word that frankly, many unaware people enjoy using to refer to the most simplistic thoughts and feelings. Most people use it to describe how they feel towards many people, objects and so on but what they fail to acknowledge is what love actually means and how they actually feel. Love is very straightforward because it is not an emotion relied by others but by yourself and in a few short moments I will explain why. I will be giving my best analysis and in sink into as much depth as I possibly can to clear up any confusion on the subject.
What is the opposite of love? If you guessed 'hate' you're correct. What is associated with hate? One hundred percent of the time it is associated with negative feelings which are not good. I won't get too much into hate since that is not the topic I'm discussing but in basic terms hate is used when you feel bad. The definition of love from, "Wikipedia.com" says, "an intense feeling of deep affection" which in my opinion is too broad. Although, in the simplest terms that is what love is. So then I ask you, why are people afraid of love or do not want to feel it? You are essentially avoiding something you deeply want; you hate love. If love is supposed to be an intense feeling of affection then you're drawn to it not pushed away.
Love 101 (continued)
So why are people hesitant on loving something or someone else? It is because of the process it takes to love. It is that lack of mental and emotional readiness. It is never because of another person, it is always because of yourself. People begin with a fear of not knowing how someone they're attracted to feels which, consequently, influences how they will feel. Gaining mutual trust in the beginning of a potential relationship is important and ruining that trust breaks chances. Eventually that fear subsides and the couple can feel more at ease with one another. Although society's views on love have been realistic, society fails to understand that love cannot seem easily achievable and quickly taken away or thrown away. Something that should be worth so much shouldn't be felt so rapidly. Society believes that you can lose a love, that you can be hurt by love and that you should be afraid to trust anybody because they can stop you from falling in love etc. These are the perceptions people have mainly from the media and others who have been brainwashed to believe this nonsense. We have the power to love however, being able to love comes with commitment and consequences and it is up to everyone to work together to work out those barriers in order to fall in love.
How to Love
Love is altruistic, intrinsically motivated and a long goal to achieve. It is dealing with the understanding of you and finding self-acceptance as well as with a significant other. Not knowing what you want is normal, but if that lasts for too long while being in a relationship, it can have some major consequences. I’m not trying to scare anyone but anything that you’re passionate about will mean having to work hard with the mindset of success and optimism. The focus is that you're trying to find what you like, and separate what you like the most to what you like the least, implying that you learn what you want and adapting to know how to like what you like the least to eventually not minding or liking it. This should be a cooperative task between you and whoever you're with emotionally.
Understand that love is the final result you want to achieve. It takes a lot of self-sacrifice, openness and determination. There is a process to love, just like there is to everything in this world. So the saying, "love at first sight" is a bunch of bologna. There are steps to eventually falling in love.
Steps to Falling in Love
Steps to Falling in Love
It takes all types of ways to fall in love such as trust, patience, care, respect, confidence and much more. Nobody has to be perfect. There are some unconscious thoughts and feelings that your brain 'sees' that you may not realize right away or at all. Believe me when I say that it is not hopeless to have faith in something that may seem insurmountable. Now, for the steps:
Step 1: Attraction
Obviously this should be the first step to finding love. An attraction is a quick assessment and usually impulsive. This comes from the biological aspect that human beings look for the best ‘mate’ according to their standards for reproductive reasons and being with an attractive person usually leads to having attractive babies. It’s a feeling that comes natural and is not worked for or forced and therefore is the reason why it is step one. It has to do with our five senses. Of course some are used more than other senses but it’s basically a flash of sensory stimulation and what do you do when you have something that feels good? You want more and there’s no denying it. That leads us to the next step…
Step 2: Lust
After being attracted to someone there comes this type of feeling infamously called lust. Lust, according to, "Wikipedia.com" is "a strong sexual desire." This is the most obsessive types of emotions to feel because it is unsatisfying to lick a spoonful of ice-cream when you can have the whole bowl. With obsession comes the intent to manipulate, seduce and control to favour odds. It’s not entirely bad…I mean, there are positive consequences to lust. There’s a drive to figure out what you like and want, there’s gaining experience and finding confidence. Like attraction, lust deals with a person's physical appearance. Except with lust you have separated the good from the bad. However, it is actually less superficial. This is so because you learned something about someone that in comparison to others stimulates you more and has led to narrowing your options. It's showing how much you care about learning about the next part of someone even if it is only sexual. It’s the thought that counts.
Sometimes, what someone says or how they say it does not match how they look and therefore, we lose our drive to get to know them anymore. Have you ever been extremely attracted to someone and as soon as they uttered a word you lost that attraction you were convinced you had? That's part of the process of love. It’s hardly ever completely beneficial. There has to be bad so that there is a good and vice versa. As a mentioned earlier, nobody is perfect and you will find flaws that you aren’t ready to accept yet and if it is too much baggage in comparison to what you like in that person then it’s time to move on.
Step 3: Care
At this point, even though you still admire someone physically, you're ready to look past their appearance to some extent, and begin focusing mainly on their personality. There is a lot less doubt in this step than the former and more comfort because of learning that the feeling is somewhat mutual. You rely a lot on the amount of reciprocation they deliver and the amount of disclosure they offer. If you feel you put in a lot more than you're asking for and not much is coming your way, then this will usually end in failure. If there are right amounts of reciprocation and disclosure without anyone being overwhelmed with baggage, then, and only then will the two be able to move on to the next step.
Step 4: Infatuation
You are now in the middle procedure of falling in love (even though it's further than you might believe). It is a mixture of Lust and Care. You are clearly a little obsessed with the other person and this is the step where most people fall into. They get to this point thinking they're in love and when it leads to pain and emotional and psychological (sometimes physical and verbal) harm you start feeling like you lost a love. The fact of the matter is at this point, you've immersed yourself almost completely because you're really into the relationship that you are so worried about losing it. The main misconceptions of love come from here. When this stage happens, you will try almost out of desperation to keep the "spark" alive so that the other person doesn't get bored of you. It’s finally revealing your deepest secrets and insecurities to the other person hoping they’ll accept them. This is where the obsession comes back and it’s more powerful. This doesn't have to happen. There are positives to this stage, of course. The person with whom you're infatuated with should be at this stage, too. It's important, probably a little necessary because it's getting tougher to find new things about the other person. If having the courage to reveal the flaws in you so that both of you may work on them together and look forward to be happier then that is when the next step is possible.
Step 5: Deep Care
Similar to step three, it's just what the subtitle literally means. It's getting more in depth of caring about the other person. This step is the result of accepting and supporting the other person despite the flaws and dissimilarities the two of you may share. Most people who get married fall into this stage. Marriage is simply a test of commitment. It's to prove your faithfulness towards another person. It is that you're willing to stay monogamous for the rest of your life with the one person who you deeply care about. I won't get into marriage much more but for example, if cheating were to occur during the time spent married and the spouse wouldn’t be able to accept it then that is what separates caring deeply and being in love.
Step 6: Love!
Finally, the last step and the most difficult step to attain. Love is not what you love but HOW you love it. What you love would make love subjective which is inaccurate to say the least as opposed to how that makes it much more fulfilling, meaningful and objective. Love is a complete acceptance and support of the other person. Having a love for someone is really them teaching you all they could have and you accepting that based on their capabilities that you would not learn any more than you could have from them. That does not bother you, it cannot because accepting means to understand the ceiling of your potential with that person and appreciating everything they have done for you. It means never getting angry, never being disappointed, never being scared or worried about anything they do all because you have. It's a complete confidence in yourself and a complete trust in yourself before being able to love the other person. You have successfully found acceptance. Logically, if you accept the other person it's impossible to feel negative about what they say or do because you know that's who they are already. They helped you learn that and make you feel good learning that from the aforementioned steps. There is no more unpredictability between the two of you, you're neutral but you still admire and do not take them for granted whatsoever. There is no rush of adrenaline or dopamine in love like there is with lust or infatuation. You learn to control that during this process and understand that there is a thrill in in of itself. If you still don’t understand, here’s a deeper clarification. When someone dies, we either cry or feel sad because that person is “gone.” That’s the illusion. It isn’t because they died that makes you feel sad. It’s because you didn’t get to learn everything you feel they could have taught you. You feel incomplete, not from them, from yourself. You feel you won’t be able to move on because they were the only ones who “understood” you so you would be able to learn more. The problem with that is you don’t love them if that happens. I don’t mean to sound insensitive but not accepting that they’re gone because you were not able to learn everything you could have about them means not accepting which means you’re missing something. You might have been at step 5 most likely when they died. But it’s that, that also separates love and deep care.
In conclusion, getting to become in love consists of having an attraction turning that attraction into a driving force to learn more and finding self-acceptance in the process. Learning from others to learn about yourself and gaining as much knowledge as you can. You can’t blame yourself for not always being taught everything you could have from someone. The point is to just move on and keep gaining that knowledge, spreading it, and getting more people to understand the greatness from doing so. It’s the whole principle of love. You can be in love, it just takes time to reflect on yourself and realizing what you like and dislike, want and do not want. It’s working on eliminating the flaws you find unacceptable and eventually accepting and appreciating those flaws within you to make you and your partner better people. Even if that person is no longer in this world, you know you learned what you could have from them with the time they had here on this wonderful planet. Accepting that does mean you love them. Good loving everybody !