Deployment ~ The Army Wife Story, Part II
Deployment ~ The Army Wife Story Part II
(This is part of a multi-part hub)
Continued from http://hubpages.com/hub/Deployment-The-Army-Wife-Story
Before I go further, I do want to point out that I have a few other “stresses”, other than the deployment and what I am talking about in this hub, that “interfere”; dealing with deployment is just the icing on a not so good cake!
The First Month of the Deployment (16 September – 16 October)
My husband is still stateside for train-up at this point and with all of my crying, sleepless nights, cell phone practically glued to my side both night and day and everyone’s offer of ‘let me know if you needed anything, they were there’, I feel so “overwhelmed” in a sense. I am honestly thinking that I will NEVER get through this deployment. How the hell did I do this 4 ½ years ago??? After a few weeks, this other type of emotion has overcome any other emotion I have felt over this last year. It was a feeling of loneliness, even though I was not alone; I had family and friends all around me, here for me if I needed them. This ‘loneliness’ was different, I felt as though I had just gone through a separation or divorce, like I lost my husband forever, the man of my dreams; as if it were one big bad break-up. Why has this come over me? Why am I feeling this way? I keep this emotion to myself (yet again), not even telling my husband. Of course, when I talk to him on the phone, I TRY to put on a front and “be cool”, as I said in the last hub, my husband knows me all too well (I think he knows me better than I know myself). He asks me what is wrong and I try to fight it and not tell him, but he knows something is bothering me and eventually gets it out of me. He tries to “soothe” this emotion by telling me that he is not going anywhere, we are and will always be married, he loves me more than words could ever say, etc. etc.. I hear every word he is saying, but it is as if it is going in one ear and out the other or it sounds like one of the adults on the Peanuts cartoon and all I here is “mwa mwa mwa mwa mwa”. This feeling of loneliness has taken over my reality. Will this feeling ever subside or will I feel this way through this whole deployment? Why am I feeling this? I love my husband. I hate these feelings that I am having, but I can’t stop them, I have no control over what is going on with me, with my emotions having taken over; it seems that nothing is comforting these emotions, not even my husband’s reassuring words.
Through this first month of deployment, I missed sharing his birthday with him and we missed having our anniversary together. We did get to chat on these days, but it is just not the same. He missed the open house day at his son’s school (even though I videotaped almost every aspect of it, it just was not the same). We talked fairly often at night, as he still had his cell phone and internet access. He purchased an internet hotspot before he left so that he could have internet access and we did video chat some, when the internet was not giving him problems. I loved every conversation we had, but my heart was still hurting ~ hurting for the love of my life.
Month Two of Deployment (17 October – 16 November)
Well, one month down, 11 more to go (if no extension). I guess that is the “positive” way to look at it. During this month, there were people (family, friends, and people I didn’t even know) trying to comfort me and tell me to ‘hang in there’, ‘you are a strong woman, you can handle this’, ‘he will be home before you know it.’ What? Do these people even know me? I’m a strong woman? Are you kidding me? Can they not see how messed up I am right now? Can they not see these bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep? Do they not see the red in my eyes from crying so much? My husband is gone and even though still stateside, will soon be in a place of fighting, killing, and weapons. People, PLEASE! (This is yet another emotion overcoming me). I am to the point of thinking, ‘leave me the hell alone! If I want your help, I will ask. If I need to talk, I will come to you. You have absolutely no idea!’ The ‘best’ (sarcasm) ‘comfort’ that I have had thus far was at a birthday party for my son’s friend (about 2 months after my husband deployed), a lady (stranger) came up to me as we were leaving the party and put her hand on my shoulder and said “I heard your husband is deployed.” My reply, “Yeah, he has been gone for about 2 months now.” Stranger: “Oh, I know what you are going through.” My reply (actually trying to ‘comfort’ her), “Do you have a loved one in the military.” Stranger: “No, a few years ago, my husband went on a four-day business trip and I was devastated.” Really?!?! You HAVE GOT to be kidding me! What the hell lady?!?!? It took EVERYTHING I had to remain calm. My emotions were going crazy and you are going to say something as asinine as this to me?!?!?! WOW! I put on the ‘front’ again and with a smile on my face said, “Yeah, that must have been really hard on you.”
I am shutting myself off from almost everyone. At times I am even shutting myself off from my husband. He would text me to tell me to get online so we could video chat, and I would ignore it. Something I look forward to, but this emotion is yet again taking over. I start to resent him for being gone and, to me, it seemed as if he had no emotions about what is going on. It seems to not be bothering him at all. It seems like he misses nothing about home or his family. He is gone away on this “trip” and I am here holding down the homefront; being the sole caretaker of our home and our children. Why is he doing this to me? Why doesn’t he feel these same feelings that I am feeling. He is going about his daily routine as if nothing has changed. WHY?!?!? Even though, in the back of my mind, I know that he is a soldier and serving his country; this isn’t a joy for him, but the former has taken over the latter in my thinking. I am finding any little thing to get ‘mad’ at my husband, to reassure myself that THAT was the reason I didn’t want to talk to him. It is stupid things like him wanting to work out, go to the fight house or even go to eat dinner!!!! (yes, that bad) I know that the “extra” things that he does (like workout or go to the fight house) is a way of relieving the stress that he is going through (again, this knowing reality is in the back of my mind), but this emotion made me believe that he should spend every little bit of free time that he had to chat or talk to ME! What the heck?!?!?! Why would he not want to talk to his wife or to his child? By me shutting myself off to him and not answering his texts or chatting or talking to him, I feel like it will teach him a lesson of some sort. He doesn’t have time for me, then I will show him that I don’t have time for him and maybe he will understand! (AGAIN, this is my emotions taking over my reality. This isn't me, this isn't how I think.)
It is about at this time that our son starts to show a few “emotions”, but I was totally oblivious that they were his emotions of daddy being gone. He starts to “act up” in ways that he normally would never do. He would begin to cry over small things like, his older brother and sister leaving the house or me video chatting with daddy. I didn’t see it at first, but his emotions were also playing tricks on him. I know that he missed daddy, but why would he not want to see him on the computer? It’s not the real thing, but at least he can see him, see that he is okay, and hear his voice. I just couldn’t understand why. (It took me about a month to realize what was going on (next Hub).
Through this month of deployment my husband missed trick or treating with our son and a Halloween party. He also missed pumpkin carving. All in all, I feel like my emotions are taking over my life. I feel like a zombie or something, on the outside looking in. Once again, why is this happening to me?
TO BE CONTINUED …