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Diary of An Affair - You're Gonna Need Waterproof Mascara - Chapter One

Updated on October 24, 2010

 I don't think anyone in their right mind would choose to have an affair, particularly if both parties are married.  Yet, life is complicated and if you feel strongly about this issue I recommend you choose another blog to read.  I don't think we can choose who we love in this world, there are circumstances when destiny takes over particularly in matters of the heart.  Here are some guidelines of what to expect if you find yourself in love or lust with a married man.

Have Plenty of Waterproof Mascara.  A married man will always choose his spouse for holidays, birthdays, important events, family and children's schedules.  Part of being in a normal relationship is sharing families; however, in an affair this is simply not possible unless you possess the uncanny ability to befriend the family of the married man and can share some of these holidays.  Most of us cannot do this; however, so the reality is you can expect to be alone most of the time.  Time spent together unless you work in the same business consists of stolen moments and whatever time is left over from a scheduled and hectic life.  While these stolen moments can be quite passionate, they will undoubtedly end up leaving you feeling empty and wondering when the next will occur if ever. 

Nerves of Steel.  The guilt that accompanies an affair is overwhelming for both parties.  Not one of us wishes to be viewed as a home-wrecker in the community.  There are also moral issues to face if you are married or unmarried for that matter.  A married man stood at the alter, before God and pledged his love for another woman for eternity.  I don't stand in judgement of someone who enters into an affair because until you walk a mile in their shoes you don't really understand the circumstances that may be involved.  Many men and women in their 40's, in particular reach a point in their life where the may have vested many years in their marriage, have children, mortgages, debt, deal with addiction, a spouse who has lost interest in sexual relations, and the list goes on.  Feelings of guilt, sadness, depression, lack of self-esteem all accompany a relationship of this nature.

Cell Phone.  Let's face it, communications are going to be difficult so having a cell phone or a separate cell phone for specific communications is going to be necessary.  The ability to text quietly is a bonus because a married man does not want to be called during dinner, work and family time.  Be prepared to expect no response from your communications on a regular basis.  A man will always put his family first.  Again, refer to above recommendations for "waterproof mascara" as this can be very hurtful.  To keep a relationship going, ongoing communication is necessary in any relationship for it to deepen and grow.  It is advisable to keep communications, particularly texts generic so no miscommunication can be perceived unless you are willing to expose the other party to the possibility of being caught.

Love or Lust?  It can be confusing to determine the difference between love or lust.  An affair holds all of the passion, excitement and secrecy that define lust.  If you love this man, you will be willing to put his needs ahead of your own.  Understand that a man will more than likely use you for sexual relations, particularly if he is not getting this at home.  Men deal with emotions and relationships on a different level and can separate the two based on the nature of their reproductive make-up.   If your self-esteem is low, it may be a time in your life where you are more vulnerable to succombing to the attention of a man.  Recognizing this is important.  I have often thought that an emotional affair is far more damaging than a sexual one and is based on a deepening friendship over time.  If you are in love with this man, and choose to share your love with him, you need to accept that afterward he has to return to his wife and family and act as if nothing has happened.  A woman often expects (and rightly so), the cuddling and softness that occurs after sex and having him abruptly "shut off" these emotions is hurtful.  A married man may also treat you as a "friend with benefits", in this you must be willing to share your passion without the benefits of a normal sexual relationship.  Don't kid yourself here, not many of us can do this.

Value Yourself First.  If your heart is set on an affair, remember to always value yourself first.  Women who have self-esteem, a support system intact and value who they are and their self worth will project themselves in a positive light.  Learning to value yourself may give you strength to end the affair and pursue a more healthy one where you can, in turn, receive the true love and respect you deserve.  If you are caught in the middle of an affair and don't know where to turn, taking control of your feelings is the first step in making a decision on the direction your life will take.  Remember, each of us deserves to be loved, viewed as beautiful and valued for who we are and anything less is second place.  Stop placing judgement on yourself for your actions because we are all human and make mistakes.  Learning and taking away the feelings you have experienced have a place in your journey in this life and your life is important.  Letting go of a married man may be difficult, but if he truly loves you, he will come back to you and make you his wife.  Sound like a fairy tale ending?  Maybe, but what is life without hope and love to strengthen our foundations.  In the end, your journey in life will lead you exactly where you are meant to be.

Still on the fence on whether to have an affair with a married man?  This is one blog in a series that takes you into the emotions, experiences, and truths of a relationship of this nature.  Many who read this will condemn anyone who chooses to engage in an affair, which I expect, but I pass no judgement on anyone and only wish to provide support to those who find themselves in this situation..helping just one person in this world is enough for me. 


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      Erzsebet Bathory 4 months ago

      This is for Hopeless -

      Don't beat yourself up so bad. I'm in the same boat right there with you. I would love to trade stories if you are so inclined. The intimacy with my married man started a couple of months ago. This is after we have shared a strong friendship for almost 5 years..

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      Hopeless 6 months ago

      I have been with my mm for almost 5 years now. We are both on love with eachother and he tells me he wants a future with me and doesn't want to be with her anymore but I feel like nothing is changing , I just keep getting excuses about the debt he is in and whatever else he tells me. I have never felt this way about anyone before and he tells me the same . I feel like a fool now and very pathetic . My confidence level is very low and I'm very depressed. I know I have to end this because he won't do it. I really don't want to either but I can't live like this anymore. It is wrong to do this to anyone and I always hated women who would do this kind of thing. I just fell for him and lost control of my feelings by falling in love. I am afraid I will never feel this way again about another man. I need the strength to move on and I guess I just needed to let this out because this is my dirty little secret that I am ashamed of.

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      Sadness 10 months ago

      Been with a married man for 6 years. Never imagined it would last this long. Wanting desperately for the courage to end it and never look back...

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      time2getout 2 years ago

      I.... Was involved with a married man for 10 years. We had some good times and we work in the same place. It has become increasingly difficult to be with him cause everytime we have to work together he has to run off to help others. Im sick and tired of him having others interest at heart and him treating me as unimportant to him in the workplace. When i confront him about this he says that i have issues, i dont want him to take care of his family, i dont want him to do anything for anyone and I am a bully. Its over for us but i cant seem to let go. We are both married. I was not looking for a relationship with anyone else so was he but it happened. He wants us to be friends but my heart says he will betray me. I cant bare to watch him treat others more important than me. If i could i would leave my job but i have a big mortgage to pay. I just need to let him go emotionally. I was once his best friend but i cant be because he treats me less than everyone around us. He is an amazing dad and basically everyones superhero. I dont want our relationship back because i dont want anyone to treat me like that. It hurts so much. The old saying that time heals all wounds has escaped me, how long do i have to wait. ( i feel my wound diabetic lol) i have done everything recommended to get over this but nothing is working. Seeing him everyday tears me apart. I dont want to become completely unstable buf i feel it. I believe he hss done the right thing by his family thats why i have accepted the fact that we need to go iur separate ways. Bug i cant get over the fact that he treats others where we better than he terats me.

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      Confused 2 years ago

      I'm 30 and married and having an affair with a single man who is 63. We were friends before it all started. This man is just mesmerizing and knocked my world out from under me. I truly have deep feelings for him. We don't have sex every time we see eachother. We are good friends too. But was always confused if his feelings were the same as mine. So I sent him a message asking if it bothers him that I could be having sex with my husband. His straightforward answer was NO! I felt like a deflating balloon.

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      wow 3 years ago

      I love my mm deeply. Two years, both of us married, and in may, I got pregnant. At 41 years old. By him.

      I lost my marriage. My home. My seven year old child half the week to my husband, who also had an affair, before me, and got caught.

      My lover side he would leave soon, for me and the baby. Before that could happen, I lost my little boy at half term. I gave up everything to give him life, and he left me.

      My lover is still with his wife. I live with my mother. I've lost everything. And it was all my fault.

      I want my mm to choke on a rock. I'm so hurt, so broken. Yet I continue to see him, two hours two or three times a week. It's as if I'm in shock still, two months after the death of my baby.

      I gave up everything for him. He lost nothing. He never even told a soul about our son.

      Some days, I don't even want to wake up, the Shame and pain are so great.

      I'd give anything to go back and do it over again. I'd run from him like he was poison gas.

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      bleedingheart 3 years ago

      Don't do it, it's not worth it. If someone is married the rules are different, let him go home to his WIFE!

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      Choiceshaz 3 years ago

      There is so much heartache and you have bear it yourself. I think it's really like a drug addiction. Sometimes I think that the man in question also wanted to really his marriage, but in reality men are really weaker and they weigh more pros and cons.

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      confuzzzed2 3 years ago

      @hopelessly do you deal with the guilt of it all?

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      hopelessly romantic 3 years ago

      Well continue to have fun, he's not leaving his wife so don't leave ur husband. It's exciting but try not to get in too deep. I too am seeing a married man and it's not easy. I have broke it off several times and we always end up at square one. Be careful with ur heart, u only get one....

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      confuzzzed2 3 years ago

      I am currently in this situation and as you said, I didn't really choose this path, it just happened this way. It started as a friendship and quickly grew. We are both married and he has made it quite clear that he will never leave his wife, but I can't seem to turn away from him. I dont have anyone to talk to about this, and I'm scared and confused. Thank you for posting this blog. Its so hard to find a non judgemental forum to express yourself.

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      reality check 3 years ago

      It took 8 years. Many smiles, laughter, love, and tears. He's not leaving and I would never ask him too. It's been almost 2 months since we spoke. I may hope he'll come for me. But reality check...its been 2 months. He's not going to. Heartbroken, but looking ahead hopeful in finding an everlasting love. No judgment, just advice...if you're in it...get out! Someone is going to get hurt.

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      Nervous in NM 3 years ago

      Thank You!!!!