- Gender and Relationships
Diary of An Affair - You're Gonna Need Waterproof Mascara - Chapter One
I don't think anyone in their right mind would choose to have an affair, particularly if both parties are married. Yet, life is complicated and if you feel strongly about this issue I recommend you choose another blog to read. I don't think we can choose who we love in this world, there are circumstances when destiny takes over particularly in matters of the heart. Here are some guidelines of what to expect if you find yourself in love or lust with a married man.
Have Plenty of Waterproof Mascara. A married man will always choose his spouse for holidays, birthdays, important events, family and children's schedules. Part of being in a normal relationship is sharing families; however, in an affair this is simply not possible unless you possess the uncanny ability to befriend the family of the married man and can share some of these holidays. Most of us cannot do this; however, so the reality is you can expect to be alone most of the time. Time spent together unless you work in the same business consists of stolen moments and whatever time is left over from a scheduled and hectic life. While these stolen moments can be quite passionate, they will undoubtedly end up leaving you feeling empty and wondering when the next will occur if ever.
Nerves of Steel. The guilt that accompanies an affair is overwhelming for both parties. Not one of us wishes to be viewed as a home-wrecker in the community. There are also moral issues to face if you are married or unmarried for that matter. A married man stood at the alter, before God and pledged his love for another woman for eternity. I don't stand in judgement of someone who enters into an affair because until you walk a mile in their shoes you don't really understand the circumstances that may be involved. Many men and women in their 40's, in particular reach a point in their life where the may have vested many years in their marriage, have children, mortgages, debt, deal with addiction, a spouse who has lost interest in sexual relations, and the list goes on. Feelings of guilt, sadness, depression, lack of self-esteem all accompany a relationship of this nature.
Cell Phone. Let's face it, communications are going to be difficult so having a cell phone or a separate cell phone for specific communications is going to be necessary. The ability to text quietly is a bonus because a married man does not want to be called during dinner, work and family time. Be prepared to expect no response from your communications on a regular basis. A man will always put his family first. Again, refer to above recommendations for "waterproof mascara" as this can be very hurtful. To keep a relationship going, ongoing communication is necessary in any relationship for it to deepen and grow. It is advisable to keep communications, particularly texts generic so no miscommunication can be perceived unless you are willing to expose the other party to the possibility of being caught.
Love or Lust? It can be confusing to determine the difference between love or lust. An affair holds all of the passion, excitement and secrecy that define lust. If you love this man, you will be willing to put his needs ahead of your own. Understand that a man will more than likely use you for sexual relations, particularly if he is not getting this at home. Men deal with emotions and relationships on a different level and can separate the two based on the nature of their reproductive make-up. If your self-esteem is low, it may be a time in your life where you are more vulnerable to succombing to the attention of a man. Recognizing this is important. I have often thought that an emotional affair is far more damaging than a sexual one and is based on a deepening friendship over time. If you are in love with this man, and choose to share your love with him, you need to accept that afterward he has to return to his wife and family and act as if nothing has happened. A woman often expects (and rightly so), the cuddling and softness that occurs after sex and having him abruptly "shut off" these emotions is hurtful. A married man may also treat you as a "friend with benefits", in this you must be willing to share your passion without the benefits of a normal sexual relationship. Don't kid yourself here, not many of us can do this.
Value Yourself First. If your heart is set on an affair, remember to always value yourself first. Women who have self-esteem, a support system intact and value who they are and their self worth will project themselves in a positive light. Learning to value yourself may give you strength to end the affair and pursue a more healthy one where you can, in turn, receive the true love and respect you deserve. If you are caught in the middle of an affair and don't know where to turn, taking control of your feelings is the first step in making a decision on the direction your life will take. Remember, each of us deserves to be loved, viewed as beautiful and valued for who we are and anything less is second place. Stop placing judgement on yourself for your actions because we are all human and make mistakes. Learning and taking away the feelings you have experienced have a place in your journey in this life and your life is important. Letting go of a married man may be difficult, but if he truly loves you, he will come back to you and make you his wife. Sound like a fairy tale ending? Maybe, but what is life without hope and love to strengthen our foundations. In the end, your journey in life will lead you exactly where you are meant to be.
Still on the fence on whether to have an affair with a married man? This is one blog in a series that takes you into the emotions, experiences, and truths of a relationship of this nature. Many who read this will condemn anyone who chooses to engage in an affair, which I expect, but I pass no judgement on anyone and only wish to provide support to those who find themselves in this situation..helping just one person in this world is enough for me.