Diary of an Educated Idiot--Part III
Jan. 9, 2****
Wow! I can’t believe how amazing the hub community is. It really is as though I’ve found myself in a city, and am beginning to make good acquaintances who seem well on their way to becoming genuine, good friends. I wasn’t expecting them to be so concerned about it me when I published my first hub, but then again…I guess I really needed the perspective of outsiders to get an even better handle on how messed up things are around here.
Not that I didn’t know it was messed up…but it’s as though I’d just gotten used to something I ought to be appalled at…like all those normal people reading my hubs are appalled. It’s been such a slow progression to this point. I guess I have really been stripped bare of all my defenses since Mom died, over a year ago now…I can’t believe it. I think I’ve just been in a daze since then, and am just now waking up to find that, well, everything is so different from the way it used to be.
And I’m so tired. God, I’m too young to be this tired! But this emotional roller coaster has been in crisis for over ten years. I realize that now; it’s just been one tragedy after another after another…I tell myself that’s life, but is it really? I see other people who don’t seem to have the unceasing string of deaths, deceit, and disruption that I’ve had. Am I just unlucky? Well, I already know the answer to that. I am just stuck in a rut focusing on all the negative stuff…There have been things just as amazing: Ireland at the awakening of spring—while it is still tender and young, before it becomes that fiery green explosion of new life as Eliot’s cruelest month unleashes its final frigid—futile—bite as tiny green shoots and red buds burst forth! London in winter, grey and stately—complete with protesters angry about the price of petrol—I bet they went nuts last year. I lost all that weight and have been able to keep all but a few pounds of it off. I quit smoking two months ago—I will become healthier by the time I’m 30! I already am healthier. I need more energy though. I need structure too. This working at home has really got me lax about self-discipline; it really wouldn’t take much more freelancing to be making enough money to get back out on my feet again; I just need to get myself motivated. It would help if I got back into my yoga, I know.
And I need to keep writing! There are actually people listening!
Fellow Hubbers: Thank you everyone for all the support and kindness!! Your comments have given me some perspective, and a lot of smiles. Many things about our actual environment have finally gotten fixed...like the roof, the sewage...well, we're out of water again HAHA...but at least it's not the pump, it's an easily fixable problem (once the five feet of snow we're under have melted, that is). The emotional problems still exist, but I am becoming a different, more assertive person—and I am a pretty strong woman and independent: I *WILL* be okay. My temper—which is very slow-building but nuclear when it arrives—coupled with the fact that it is very difficult to be heard here in my home, makes it hard to learn to remain assertive rather than aggressive, but I am speaking up for myself more often—I am putting distance between myself and my roommates/S.O., and not standing for the disrespect any more. I’ve been making it clear that there are going to be some boundaries and respect and that as soon as it is possible I’m looking for other living arrangements. They don’t really like it, but the house has been peaceful for the most part, at least for a few weeks now—well…with the exception of one BIG explosion—but that’s another hub!