Divorce - A Declaration of Independence
I had no idea who I was
After 24-years of marriage, the last thing I expected was my husband’s declaration of independence. It seems he was— tired of his life, and wanted to— find himself. He left, and my whole life disintegrated around me. Without realizing it, all those years of being his wife and our children’s mother, had drained any semblance of my own identity. I had no idea who I was.
Two of our children were grown and on their own; the youngest was 8 and just about to start third grade. I thought the older two would take it all in stride, but I couldn't have been more wrong. They were both as hurt, angry, and confused as I was. Their reaction was to cut off all contact, and so we lived in silence for 2 long years.
I was primarily concerned for my youngest daughter who, as it turned out, took things much better than the older ones; at least for the time being. I think she actually liked the fact that it was just she and I together.
I lived in a haze
For me, life was a deep, dark hole, and I was stuck at the bottom with no idea of how to get myself out. For a long time, I lived in a haze, going about each day robotically. Thankfully, I had a job to go to and somewhat of a scheduled life. After work, I picked up my daughter from school, helped her with homework, and made dinner for her – I could not eat without getting sick. After tucking her into bed each night, I was left alone to wrestle with the emotions that strangled every ounce of peace I had ever had. I hardly slept. When I did, I would wake up at 3:00 am in a panic. It felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest and I could not breathe.
Finally, a close friend suggested counseling, and for the next 18-months, I went on a journey that took me from the pain, darkness, and confusion I had been in, into a place of self discovery, freedom, and joy. The journey was not an easy one; I had to accept my own faults and failures that had contributed to the end of my marriage, and find the path of healing for my shattered soul.
I needed direction
A verse in the Bible reads, “Without a vision, the people have no direction.” I needed direction and so I said a sincere prayer asking God to show me what to do. Almost immediately, the words sprang from somewhere deep inside me, “go back to school and finish your degree.” How simple – how utterly brilliant!
The healing of a wounded soul and a broken heart takes a long time, at least it did mine. There were many stepping stones along the way, one of which has been a reawakening of writing poetry. The poem titled Divorce was the first of many I wrote during those times, a short piece about the indescribable pain of profound loss.
In the deep darkness of night;
Flesh and spirit torn apart,
Lying, bleeding, heart still beating
Soul entombed in hellish rage;
Questions echo why, when, how,
Burning tears of acid rain;
Writhing in unending pain
Torn flesh lies on the ground;
Gaping mouth tries to scream,
But cannot make a sound