When you separate or divorce it's already so hard on most people and you never imagine the reactions of others that go with this. These days we have social media to also add fuel to the fire of the broken hearts of the world. You always had the gossip, drama starters and now you have cyber stalking to add to the list. My divorce is not easy and unlike most people would like to believe I very much miss my husband. He was my first true love and we share beautiful children and a beautiful home together. His anger gave me no choice besides leaving my family home and starting from scratch with my children.My life and dreams were destroyed and judgmental eyes were all on me. You will always have two sides to every story but in the end you can't hide the truth. Money changes people and my first love is gone forever. I've made many mistakes but nobody deserves what I had to endure and my children had to fear. I feel it's so unfair. After leaving and starting over I also had to deal with the negative comments that go with that. It's not like I walked away with a few kids we had five children. So the idea of me taking on five children alone comes with a lot of questions. All the questions were all the reasons I stayed so many years. Last night I had a dream someone was breaking in and my husband was sleeping in the back room and could protect me. When I awoke from this nightmare I heard someone knocking on the back door at 3am and realized I had no husband to protect me and I'm the one who has to protect my children.I didn't just walk away from a husband I also lost his family. The years we were together his family was closer to us then mine and I never talk to them anymore. The loss is like a death you truly loose part of yourself if you truly had given yourself into your marriage. The overwhelming anger, sadness, forgiveness and anger again come as a emotional ride and your hanging on for dear life to make it out with well raised children. It's been two years and I still cry and still flinch when someone raises a hand to me. I know how strong I am and I've also seen how helpless and weak I can be. Drinking to numb the pain and then remembering I'm all my children have to look up to. Sometimes I wish I could do whatever I want and just make money like he does. Have the kids love me like they love him. Two years later they remember the horror of what happened but the money he gives them and me being the only disciplinary makes it easy for me to look like the bad guy. I gave up my career where I was moving up the cooperate latter very fast to care for them full time after I walked out. I've never been a stay at home mother but with the amount of children we have I had no choice when I walked out. I lost so many pieces of myself but also gained a strength I never knew I had.I've given up on ever being happy again and focused only on my children. I'm being talked to by family and friends that they are worried I will die alone and never find a partner in life. I have one cat so I don't think we can go as far as to call me a cat lady yet. I wish I could have my life and my old husband back before the money and abuse. I wonder if the money never happened would he have still became the monster that hated me. He cries when I see him and sometimes I feel bad for him and sometimes I don't. He doesn't want to let me go but I was always a doll on a shelf for him. Something pretty he liked to show off but he never wanted to spend time with me.Please stop asking if I will love again and how you want to see me happy. I beg of you to stop telling me how strong I am and you don't know how I do it. I'm tired of the comments of how may children I have like I planned to have so many and walk out on my marriage. Just leave me alone and mind your business about my love life. I have no choice but to be strong and just pray that I'm doing ok. In the end I have my children and they know I loved them and it was all for them.