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Do Men Think Insecure Women Are More Attractive? What Men Think About an Insecure Woman

Updated on October 30, 2013 maybe not all men would go for THIS secure

The Confident Woman: Start Today Living Boldly and Without Fear
The Confident Woman: Start Today Living Boldly and Without Fear

Are you part of the insecurity epidemic? Take charge and gain confidence with this no-nonsense approach to learning how to appreciate yourself.


Recent surveys suggest that men may find insecure women more attractive than secure women. All I can say is – seriously? How many men really think this? Sure, certainly some men appreciate the “wilting flower” who needs to be protected and taken care of, the demure belle who clings to you and constantly seeks reassurance of your love, or – on a more cynical note – the uncertain woman who is particularly easy to manipulate may gain the attraction of a less-than-wholesome type of man who needs to be able to control or crush something in order to feel the proper level of machismo.

Does This Sound Familiar?

Men, if you’ve ever been in a relationship, and certainly if you’ve ever been married, you’ve probably heard this: “Does this make my butt look fat?” Substitute some other anatomical characteristic if you like, but almost every man has had to hear those onerous words – and wished they’d feigned deafness previously in preparation for this moment.

Wouldn’t it be nice to never have to hear those words again? Would you prefer a personality that says, “I’m sexy, I know it, and I’m going to show you just how much I can make you want me,” or would you rather, “Oh my God, I’m up to 120 pounds. I am so disgusting, don’t touch me or you’ll realize just how undesirable I am.”

Think About This For a Moment…

Whether it’s a hot date or a scenario after 20 years’ of marriage, you tell me (seriously, I don’t know, I’m a woman and purportedly straight), which is more appealing to you?

Scenario #1: The woman who waits in the shadows for you to notice her. She desires you with all her soul, but nothing outward will ever hint at that. You keep watching football – as far as you can tell, she’s ignoring you. Suddenly you’re the most horrible man on earth, how could you not notice those silent, invisible signals she sent to you from under that bulky bathrobe while she was reading the newest home decorating publication?

Scenario #2: She wants your attention. Rather than waiting her turn, she approaches you with a passionate kiss and fire in her eyes. She wraps her hand around certain anatomical features you’re rather fond of, and her body language readily suggests that that tongue has many talents aside from kissing.

Then, Ladies, think about these tips for building confidence if bulky bathrobe lady is uncomfortably familiar....

And the Next Scene

Whether you’re intimately connected with bulky bathrobe lady or she of the talented tongue, eventually one thing leads to another and you’re both ready for the next step. Men, which one sounds most appealing?

In the midst of passionate kisses, she interrupts the progress of your trembling hands to insist that all lights be extinguished before you get anywhere near the sash on that bathrobe…and don’t touch there! Your sensitive fingertips might detect one of her many imaginary flaws if you dare venture too far. Never mind that you don’t give a rat’s south end about a stretch mark or two, or maybe a touch of weight around the waistline – no! No matter what your feelings on the matter, you must not see any obvious proof that she’s not an airbrushed supermodel. Once in the wondrous throes of passion – she has to stop and bemoan her lack of physical appeal, and how she’d be willing to please you so much better if only THIS were like THIS, or she acted a little different, or liked something that you honestly aren’t even bothered by.

On the flip side – it doesn’t matter if you’re in the bed, on the couch, on the floor in the middle of the hallway, resistance is futile. She has your attention, and she is going to reward you for having it in the right place. She is well aware of the benefits of sumptuous curves and soft thighs, and she won’t hesitate to show off every one of those advantages to you. Whether you want to sit back and relax or actively show your appreciation for various bodily regions, she’s more than willing to soak up the attention and focus her efforts on your body instead of obsessing over her own.


Okay, so maybe I am just a woman, and a purportedly straight one at that. Enlighten me – what exactly is more attractive about an insecure woman? Insecure women may be extremely beautiful, but the attitude with which they approach their body, and others who might be intimate with it, can be a much bigger turn-off than any physical attributes or flaws (imagined or not). Being a chronically self-conscious person, I’ve been able to see what damage low self-esteem has done to my relationships, and just how much better they can be if I just act like I’m a perfect 10.

Remember, a man doesn’t want to hear that you’re fat, or that your hair looks funny, or that this mark or that detracts from your appeal – hey, this guy entered into a relationship with you despite all that. If women didn’t mention it, then they’d probably never even notice! Ladies, you were able to inspire hard spots in the nether regions, and whatever “flaws” you think you have certainly weren’t show-stoppers. It’s difficult to understand how pointing them out could be in any way more attractive than gearing all attention and energy to pleasing your lover.

Studies also state that the vast majority of women are insecure about something, and most of them are physical. If you'd like to share with us, please post below regarding which insecurity in your significant other (or past "others") has been most annoying to you. Feel free to also state your opinion about the assumption that men are more attracted to insecurity -- I'd love to know!

Sorry, one more from this guy -- I love what he has to say about beauty


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    • wychic profile image

      Rebecca Mikulin 4 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming

      Thank you for your input :). Yes, I do try to portray the types in "black and white" here for discussion's sake, but I do agree that every real person falls somewhere in shades of gray, so to speak. It is sad to know that there are some people in the extreme insecure side, and in some respects I have been there myself in the past. Most men do seem to like to be needed in some way, though, so a 100% secure person could certainly be a drawback as well.

    • profile image

      Samachan 4 years ago

      For starters, I enjoyed many of your hubs, I agree with you on a lot of subjects you've written about. However in this hub, I must say that you showed a really drastic view on one side- the insecure one.

      Of course when you put it like that- The woman is so insecure about her body that she tells her man where not to touch, where not to look, because god forbid he might realize she has flaws and leave her. The hints she gives him are so subtle from insecurity that he couldn't notice even if he wasn't staring at the tv, it's way too passive-agressive In my opinion; insecure women are usually way less.. Extreme.

      As far as the "secure woman"s' scenario goes, I can tell you that it applies to my relationship (Which also includes quite an age difference), while I have some insecurities about my body, and I do indeed need some reassurances from my spouse from time to time.

      I suppose for the purpose of making your point in the hub you went for the more extreme insecurity, but I just wanted to make it clear that women can be insecure and yet initiate those sexy, passionate and enjoyable moments, hint more boldly, etc.

      I mean, for those who have the common sense to understand the man (or woman) they are with already discovered what they see as 'flaws' and still decided to be with them, it should be pretty obvious that turning the lights off and keeping restrictions on parts of your body is very unnecessary. But if you are showing extreme, Keep in mind the other side has extremes too, that men might find unatrractive. It also depends on the kind of man anyway.

    • wychic profile image

      Rebecca Mikulin 4 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming

      Just had to share a quote here, namely in response to gmwilliams' assertion that boys like insecure women and men like secure ones. To an insecure woman -- "And what kind of men do you attract? They're all PUSSIES, right?!?!" Yep, my thoughts exactly ;)

    • Pop Culture World profile image

      Pop Culture World 5 years ago from United States

      I will say a little bit to the opposite. I am not insecure about my looks but I have other insecurities. My husband is the strong type and I rely on him in many ways. He came along in my life and saved me one day. I think the modern world puts too much emphasis on the strong, independent woman, and has downplayed the importance of the masculine, traditional man.

      Men are so used to women being independent that a lot of men no longer bring anything to the table relationship-wise. Now more than ever, a good man is hard to find.

      I think women in the generation growing up now have it pretty bad. Just take a look at that HBO show "Girls." Their depiction isn't exaggerated.

    • wychic profile image

      Rebecca Mikulin 5 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming

      Awesome answers so far, thanks so much for sharing! I agree, gmwilliams -- that does seem to be the line between the preferences ;). My guess is that once a man grows up and becomes confident in himself, it becomes a lot easier to be comfortable in a relationship with a woman who is also confident. I know that despite my insecurities, what confidence I had seemed to scare the crap out of my first husband -- I guess he thought that if I felt I could have anything I wanted, then I might take something else. On the other hand, my husband now makes no secret about how attractive my "secure side" is, and he does his best to encourage it.

    • gmwilliams profile image

      Grace Marguerite Williams 6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Great hub. I am with you on this one. I concur with you. Here is my take on the issue-BOYS like insecure women but REAL MEN love secure women. Enough said.

    • Sun-Girl profile image

      Sun-Girl 6 years ago from Nigeria

      Great hub you actually shared in here wywhic, which i so much enjoyed.

    • tmbridgeland profile image

      tmbridgeland 7 years ago from Small Town, Illinois

      To answer the question, no. Men are quite attracted to secure, strong women. But...insecure women are a lot easier to approach! Since most guys have insecurities of their own, we find it harder to make a move on really strong women. And since even really strong, secure women rarely make the first move, that leaves them left out of a lot of the action. Intelligent women often complain that men don't like them. No way! But they need to act friendly if they want attention.

    • gguy profile image

      gguy 7 years ago from new jersey usa

      I would go for scenario#2 I think Alpha Females are sooo hot!! Please check out my hub if you get a chance. (just getting started here!) Thank You, Gary

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 7 years ago

      I highly doubt men are more attractive to insecure women.

      Generally speaking men are not that good at offering “reassurance”. LOL!

      I do however believe that men do enjoy feeling needed/desired, respected/important, offering advice from time to time to their women on things other than appearance, and playing the hero or knight in shining armor from time to time.

      Having said that I think it’s natural that insecure people tend to bend over backwards to be liked, loved, or desired. Simply put they “try harder” to win over the object of their affection. They aren’t likely to play cat & mouse games or play hard to get if they are attracted to someone. It’s human nature for people to take the path of least resistance. This explains why these women are seldom without a man.

      It’s a worn out fallacy that men prefer to “hunt” or “work” to win a woman’s heart. In this day and age no one is looking to (jump through hoops) for anyone!

      Men are attracted to easygoing approachable beautiful women.

      Having insecurities is proof of being human. Both men and women have insecurities. Sometimes being up front about insecurities makes a person appear to be more honest and endearing because they aren't wearing any masks.

    • kallini2010 profile image

      kallini2010 7 years ago from Toronto, Canada

      I agree with the points made about body image. Women tend to be too self-conscious about it and nobody is perfect. I work in retail and even if I make a compliment to somebody who is size six, I am only to discover that is not good enough.

      Men, by the way, are no exception - the way they are not happy with their bodies is as sickening as the way women going about the number of imperfections they have. I don't see much difference.

      I enjoyed reading your hub, however, it surprises me that two answers I received for my question about "Men preferring insecure women" were about about appearances.

      I did not even think for a second about body image.

      I do agree that insecurity creates a fertile ground for romance. It is this void in our hearts, disharmony, tension, unhappiness that invite love and lovers. We project our hopes onto the other person who might come and make our life so much better.

      Secure people (where have we seen completely secure people? the ones who pretend don't count!) - cannot be seduced. They are satisfied, they are happy with themselves.