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Do You Smother Your Loved One?

Updated on June 25, 2008

I just read an interesting article from men turned off by the fact that their girlfriends and wives are too clingy and possessive. They explained that while they were at work the women had ample "me time" but when they were at home the women became a second appendage, often disabling them from the quality time they so needed themselves.

I know exactly how they feel when it comes to quality time to one's self. There is nothing like being with someone 24/7 and literally feeling like your essence is being zapped away from you because someone is so insecure with the fact that maybe you need to be alone for a moment just to recharge. I have been in innumerous arguments trying to explain that just because I need some time alone didn't mean I was ready to throw the relationship away.

I have friends (female) that literally suck the life essence from their men because they need to know the guy's every movement, every detail, every thought. When the guy wants to hang out with his friends or family it becomes a major production, oftentimes where the guy has to lie just to get a few moments away. I sympathize because I know what that is like, you feign work for the weekend to have a moment of peace and tranquility.

A couple of my friends don't quite understand that relationships are built on compromise, trust and understanding. Going to the gym doesn't necessarily mean he is checking out the women at the gym, but perhaps he is actually going to the gym to work out. Working out is a great form of stress release, not add stressors prior.

I know a few of the men that I have dealt with find that I am quite the opposite of what they normally deal with. I actually respect another person's time and space, and I don't feel like each waking moment I should possess. We have things to do, people to see, and money to make. I would actually get harassed because I didn't call all day everyday just for the sake of calling.

When a person can't get a simple moment of silence just to recharge, animosity can build towards the other person. Think about it, if you have children, you look forward to bedtime just so that you can have a break, watch TV or read that book you've been trying to read for ages. This doesn't mean you don't like your kids, but everyone knows that raising a child takes a great deal of time, energy, effort and most of all love. The same as a relationship. You must be able to nourish your relationship, cultivate it and step back and take a breather.

This article explained that his girlfriend, now pregnant demands that he spends all of his time with her. Even when he gets home from work, a definite time to recharge, she is literally glued to him. He described how he sometimes just walks out of the door for an hour or two with telling her, simply because he knows she will balk about it. She feels as though time away from her would mean a new life that doesn't include her, and she simply cannot deal with it.

Hmmmmmm, what's an hour away from the house? That seems to be enough time to drive around the corner a few times, or park your car somewhere and ponder your day before your mighty succubus steals your life force. What that sounds like to me is insecurity, which leads to possessiveness and crazed thoughts and feelings. You shouldn't worry about an hour away, worry when the person stops coming home period.

So they want to spend time with family and friends, is that really so hard to accept? Their family and friends were definitely there before you were, they are just another extension of your loved one, that shouldn't wreak havoc on your home.

Here are a few examples of someone who smothers their loved one:

1. While they are on the phone you lurk in the shadows listening in and adding your commentary while they speak.

2. You're first before you see their shadow.

3. You know you don't like football, yet you're smack dab in the middle of the gang.

4. They use the bathroom facilities with you (sometimes those private moments really should be PRIVATE)

5. Sitting at the breakfast table reading the paper, your face is covering up the headlines.

(I'm poking fun at this, but some of these experiences are real.)

I absolutely cringe whenever I hear, "I was nothing without this person in my life, now I am someone and I HAVE to spend every moment with them." Here is an eye-opener for you: You were someone before you met them, you are still someone with them!

So how about using your children to keep a stronghold on your loved one? I just had a conversation earlier today with a friend where he explained to me that his friend's wife wouldn't let him pursue his musical career because of her insecurities, and literally told him he would never be able to see his son if he did. That is absolutely CRAZY! Love is not BINDING and should not be used to control someone....ever...

Communication is the key to an effective relationship, however, discussing instances of smothering can be uncomfortable. There are tactful ways of explaining "me time." One could usually say that it is essential that I have at least an hour of downtime so that I can be my best with you. Assurance can help lessen the stress. For myself, since I am prone to awful mood swings, if I don't get my time, well let's just say that it isn't "pretty," and I even had to find tactful ways of saying, "I need to recharge my battery...."

Sometimes people don't quite understand that smothering can run a person right out of the door. I know for myself, I tend to gravitate towards "standalone" players, because they have their own lives, their own sense of self and do not waste their energy reflecting on the amount of time we're not spending with each other. Too much time with each other can be a lethal combination, like lighters and paper. Think about it, if you are around someone all of the time, literally 24/7 you begin to notice their idiosyncrasies and begin to pick them apart. After awhile you no longer desire to be in the company of the person and do think about the "greener pastures."

Respect for each other, especially time, space, family and friends can go a long way to achieving a greater appreciation for each other...

The choice is yours...


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      Lisa Barrow 

      5 years ago

      It's great to hear a mans perspective. I used to be a smotherer myself but I now realize that it is in fact a real turnoff. I now try to keep my issues to myself and not project them onto others. It's insecurity and a lack of a quality life of our own that causes this kind of behaviour. I am ashamed of my behaviour but I have changed for the better.

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      8 years ago

      My bf feels i smother him, yet he is the insecure one.. ALways wanting to know where i am, who im speaking to, Am i lying to him?? Gees now i look the ass in the relatiosnhip.

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      8 years ago

      me and my g/f just took a pause from our relationship she said that im not mature enough for her what should i do keep doing what im doing now or just leave it be

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      I agree with you but why men complicate things? Like the chase, when women tried to treat them like a prince, they treat those women like crap!


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