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Do Yourself a Favor And Stop Wasting Your Time With Users

Updated on August 26, 2012

Love is in the air... everywhere you look around. So why can't I find it?

Playing games much?
Playing games much?
Take things slow, so you don't get swept away in the moment.
Take things slow, so you don't get swept away in the moment.

Men keep disappearing? Women keep breaking your heart? Stop the madness!

It has recently come to my attention, that I'm not the only one who has been experiencing a strange phenomenon. Some dating prospects just disappear after a favorable time spent together, and don't give you an explanation. Were they abducted by UFOs? No. Was it something you said? Did? Smelled like? NOOOOO!

They're just not ready to commit, rebounding, or seeing someone else (and you ain't #1 on their "fives").

I'll admit it: I've been fooled one too many times. It's a learning process, so bear with me. We all want to find our perfect match, and live blissfully together. But at this point, I don't see how anyone makes it to that point-- there are way too many skittish people in the dating pool, and I wish they'd stop wasting the time of those of us who are ready to open our hearts to love.

So, I wrote several Hubs about this dilemma. You can read more here. I never really knew why dating was so complicated, but reading up on several social media sites, I've read countless complaints by other people who say the same thing: they keep meeting one-date wonders, or dating sites are filled with people who can't even commit to MEETING in person. Can we say, there's something wrong with a person who signs up on a dating site, and then messages you incessantly, and never bothers to set up a date to meet? I had to learn the hard way to just cut these types off-- I've already wasted too much time with flaky men.

Have I gone mad? Or have a lot of people lost touch with dating? It's about finding love-- and we all need it in our life. So why do so many people avoid it?

I recently had a guy whom I'd met on a dating site chat with me on Skype. He's smart, attractive and funny, but our compatibility sucked. I remember asking him, "are you really that much of a jerk, or were you being facetious in your answers?" He played it off, but I still had my reservations.

After about 5 months of chatting on Skype, with no concrete dates to meet-- shoot, I don't even know this guy's last name, but his first name is "John," (I know, right?), he was finally trying to see me. He talked about how he would unbutton my blouse, and how he wanted to watch racy movies together.

Really? Really?

I don't know his last name, but he wants to lay side by side with me and "go there." *eyes cross*

So here's my new rule: stop wasting your time with people who aren't looking for what YOU are looking for! (I blocked him from contacts on Skype-- baby steps, people). I think after the first few weeks, if someone doesn't reveal too much about themselves, and men don't take the initiative to ask you out, don't waste any more time-- he's not serious about finding a connection.

Simple, no? And yet, I find myself giving too many losers my time, energy and effort waiting for them to "see how great I am." Yeah, I've quit that bad habit by deleting my dating profiles.

You are great, and anyone who can't see that isn't worth your time. Stop waiting for morons to notice with time. It's just not going to happen.

Here's my list of things to do when you first start seeing someone (mostly for women):

  • Ask what they plan to do in the near future. If they say something shady like, "I want to play it by ear," they're not serious about seeing ONE person. Pass! An honest person who's relationship-ready will say, "I want to love ONE person." Questions to ask: "Are you seeing anyone else? Are you looking for a casual relationship? Where do you see yourself in the next five years? Just curious,"-- make sure to end all statements with that.
  • Make sure they don't obsess about their ex. I can't stress this enough. A person who's ready for a relationship will not bring up their past baggage. They've done the "me work," made necessary changes to accommodate their new life, and moved on. For example, I had a 22-year-old guy give me the down low on his poor childhood, long term relationship where he was jolted, his step-monster, and the clincher: he's NOT happy. NEXT!
  • They talk too much about getting physical, or ask for pictures. Total red flag. If a guy/woman's into you, he/she won't ask for images of what you look like. It's obvious what their motivation is. Especially if all conversations are so dirty, you need a cold shower after to "cleanse yourself." If someone wants to know YOU, then it won't matter how you look.
  • Don't expect miracles. If you see red flags from early on, stop convincing yourself to give it more time to get to know someone. I suffer from chronic optimism, and have a hard time cutting off bad prospects. I'm a work in progress, so it takes time to learn how to cope with brain malfunction. I'll get there...
  • Players are PLAYERS! Stop fantasizing you'll change someone! That only happens in Sandra Bullock and Ben Stiller movies. AKA: fake, fictional plots. Men or women who use you for their own gain will NOT change. Leave the users behind, and start focusing on the people who mirror your soul. Good people. You'll know them when you find them-- especially if you cut off the rotten apples right off the bat.

What's the most annoying quality when dating?

See results


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    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      No, dashingscorpio, a man, AND a woman's opinion! I refuse to waste time crying over onions from now on (pun intended).

      Rajeev: online sites are a breeding ground for "fakeness." There's almost no accountability. You can say or become whatever you choose-- and buyer beware. I know a lot of men complain about women being 50 pounds heavier (or using pictures from decades ago), and complaining about it when he's disappointed he met her. Well, like ordering from a catalog: what you see isn't always as it seems, and it's best to try something on before you buy it. I suggest people go back to the olden days of "meeting in person" and then going from there.

      Mhatter: yes, things are bad. That's why I cut my losses and moved on.

      Thanks to you all for stopping by!

    • Rajeev143143 profile image

      Rajeev N. Verma 5 years ago from Nagpur, India

      Hi.. Your hub is very useful especially for women.. I always discourage the current trend for internet dating.. My assertion to it is if you are looking for true love, then it'll definitely going to be an arduous task for you to find it on such websites.. Almost all of the time, they are fake.. And your 'list of things to do' is the best part of your hub.. Keep it up!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Your statement; "stop wasting your time with people who aren't looking for what YOU are looking for!" says it all! In fact it is one of the central themes in my book, My Cat Won't Bark! (A Relationship Epiphany).

      There is no amount of "communcation" or "work" that can overcome being with someone who does not want what you want!

      Each of us (chooses) our own friends, lovers, and spouse. If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do we curse the onion for not being an apple? The answer is no! We have to learn to become better shoppers! One man's opinion! :-)

    • Mhatter99 profile image

      Martin Kloess 5 years ago from San Francisco

      Wow things are that bad! Sorry.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Mellonyy: "Baby steps." I just edited this so there's less anger, and more direction. The fact that I did waste so much time "waiting for them to come around" was the biggest problem. I guess I'm too patient. It seriously took my 17-year-old to just flat out say, "why don't you just remove him from your Skype?" I was like, "oh... yeah." Duh! I might add that I removed all the other "flakes" from my contacts-- It was quite cathartic.

      I read a good quote from a relationship expert where she said that we often put bones into an oven and expect to pull out a roast chicken. Nope. If it's crap to begin with, no miracle will happen with time. If you sense a bad vibe from someone, it's your intuition saying, "this isn't the one." A good prospect will make you feel joyful and secure, with no flaky behavior to throw you off track.

      Thanks for commenting.

    • Mellonyy profile image

      Mellonyy 5 years ago

      Interesting story..."stop wasting your time with people who aren't looking for what YOU are looking for!..." Yes, I agreed with you a 100%, but why didn't you block this guy earlier? He , doesn't deserve your attention , at all.