Are You the Problem in Your Relationship?
Criticism tears down your partner and you as well
If you criticize your partner and do not help build them up, then you are tearing yourself down as well. Criticism is not good for a relationship, the world is hard enough. Sometimes people think they are helping to make their partner better, but it does the opposite it makes the partner who is criticized feel they are not loved.Your partner already knows their flaws and they depend on you to help them be better. Try and remember that you love this person when they do something you dislike and tell them how it makes YOU feel not how they should change. The only person you can change is yourself and how you express yourself. Don’t give vague commands of criticism explain how YOU feel from their actions. If you call someone crazy or lazy they will likely continue this behavior out of spite. Say when I have to do all the chores it’s makes me upset, and this gives them a chance to make up the behavior you dislike.
Contempt is resentment and it comes out as sarcasm, name calling and mockery. Be aware of your feelings and your words
Contempt is the worst because it causes disrespect and hate. If you feel resentment and do not respect your partner you are a person who is going to be miserable. Condescending remarks, actual feelings of hate begin to be aimed at your partner. Sarcasm, name calling and mockery are all contempt. Sarcasm is a way of hurting your partner and it’s petty and childish. Mocking your partner just shows you have nothing else to say. Look Inside yourself and decide if you are still in love with your partner. If you have developed contempt there are ways to change. Love is a choice and where you water the grass is where it’s green. Get to know your partner again and remember why you love them. Start focusing on the things you love about them not the things you hate about them. Have an adult discussion with your partner and talked about the things that are causing you resentment. Remember to use I sentences and not you sentences.
A defensive person is hiding feelings or reacting to how you are treating them
Defensiveness can be a reaction to criticism or contempt or you could be hiding something. Defensivesness tears down a relationship. If a person gets defensive they normally exaggerate their feelings and problems. Make excuses or blame their partner and pretty soon the communication is lost and no one really knows why they are fighting. Defensiveness can also come from holding a secret or hidden feelings. Don’t hold on to anger and make your partner a mind reader. If confronted or made to feel uncomfortable look at why you are upset. if you need time to process what your partner is asking don’t overreact just ask for time instead of running away or ignoring your partners feelings or requests. Another way people become defensive is by stonewalling or hiding from their partner if you do these things you make your partner feel insecure with you And this continued behavior causes uncoupling. Your partner should be able to to express their feelings without you yelling or running away. If you feel like you have to defend yourself ask your partner why they are asking what they are asking and what specifically they are upset with. Running away or freaking out looks guilty and causes mistrust. Try to remember the louder you say something does make it more true it makes you look defensive because you have something to hide. If you actually hide you probably are hiding something or have been allowed to use this childish behavior for too long!
Stonewalling is a defensive trait of a passive aggressive person
Stonewalling is ignoring and shutting your partner out. This causes your partner to become an attacker always trying to provoke emotion from the stone statue. Dont ignore you’re partner it’s childish!
What marriage counselors do to help and you can do when stonewalling occurs on your own to help fix the problem.
Know your partners internal world. What is your partner’s best friend, work friends, favorite things to do? Then together write down these things about each other. Do you still know your partner? Sometimes couples find that what they use to think about their partners is no longer true. Sometimes people grow apart and form an icy relationship, other times passion can still be found. One trick to use is making a test for each other or use cards to ask questions, this is a great way to reconnect in a friendly way. If you are getting stonewalled look at yourself and explain to your partner why this behavior is not ok.
Do you make your partner feel invisible? Do you focus on their flaws and not their positive behavior? Voice your appreciation whenever possible with words and touch to stop stone walling.
Be nice to your partner in conversation, give emotional support and use humor. Try and recognize more closely when your partner is trying to connect with you in conversation. Many times this no longer works if your partner has made many attempts to connect without success. If you want to stay together tell him or her you are sorry and you will make a more conscious effort to try to connect.
Don’t hold negativity for everything that your partner says, try and respond positively. Many times couples assume that they are trying to boss each other around, when your partner asks you to do something, instead of getting upset give your partner the benefit of the doubt and do what they want. Many times a fight does not have to occur if one partner can change the mood for the other.
Learn how to communicate and solve problems together. Learn how to start conversations with each other. Use “ I “ statements instead of “you.” It softens the conversation even if it is a disagreement.
Learn how to repair what could turn into a fight. Let your partner apologize when they say something wrong.
Learn how to self soothe and don’t fight when your heart rate is too high, it is clear that you are not calm enough for conversation.
Accept the influence your partner has in your life and learn to sometimes cater to their needs and return the favor.
Compromise with each other and learn to give in a little. One technique marriage counselor’s use is each partner draws two ovals and writes down everything that they will not compromise on and what they will. Together find your compromise on what each of you will compromise with.
Honor each other’s dreams. If you don’t already know your partners deepest dreams its time you find out. Almost all problems stem from couples who don’t have a grasp on the goals of their partner. When a couple is able to honor each other’s dreams they can fully be themselves with each other.
Stonewalling is also a reaction to criticism and contempt and this is when one just ignores the other. This often fuels hate and resentment.
Are you a rule breaker?
Stop breaking rules even if it’s hard. If you agree that you won’t befriend the opposite sex or turn off your location stay true to your word
We all have smart phones and although very convient they also cause problems. Many people have broken up over face book or browsing dating sites. A new one to piss off our partner is blocking them or turning off our location when we are upset. If you promise not to do something hold yourself to the same standard you expect and stay true to your word. If you lie about your online presence chances are your partner will not trust your words. Trust and communication go hand in hand so keep your Love strong and keep your word. Harder said than done but so is being single!!