- Gender and Relationships
Does He Have A Superhero Complex, That Isn't Measuring Up?
Just because a man tells you he wants to "save" you, does not mean he will always be there...
Some men will measure their self-worth by how much a woman needs them. He will assume if he can't "save" the woman he loves or be the superhero in her life then she doesn't genuinely care, need or want him. Please!
Although having a guy who wants to always save our day might sound heroic and endearing, often men like this will have a difficult time fulfilling this particular suit of armor. Of course, we won't realize this fun fact until we actually need him and he's not there for us.
There is a reason why actions speak louder than words. Men who are true "superheroes" won't need to tell you, they will continually show you through their actions. Men who talk about wanting to be the guy who "saves" you will tend to disappoint more than help. He will generally go through life making bad decisions because he doesn't create boundaries for himself, therefor constantly making promises he can rarely keep and letting you down—a lot. Ugh.
How can you fully depend on a guy who needs to be the superhero for everyone else?
Needing to be the superhero for everyone else means there is a higher risk that he will consistently fail to be there when you need him. This happens because he will have a very hard time saying no to others and in turn making you a low priority in his life.
He will put you last by making everyone—including strangers—more important than you. He won't create boundaries for himself because his inflated ego needs to be liked by everyone, therefor never seeing how his actions are negatively affecting you.
I dated a guy who was big on wanting to be seen as the hero.
I'm not someone who enjoys having to rely on others. Dating a guy who needed to be the superhero in my life was challenging for me. I had to remind myself that compromise in all relationships is important. And, if relying on him made him happy, I was willing to compromise and be open to letting myself slowly depend on him. Little did I know, he was more concerned with receiving praise and credit, then actually following through.
At first, his help was great. He would fix little things that I mentioned in passing (but didn't even ask him directly to help with)—proving to me that he was not only dependable, but also trustworthy. This was impressive...until I actually needed him for bigger things. Let’s just say, he was not the superhero he claimed to be.
Months into dating there was a huge snow storm—I barely got home safe. As I attempted to pull into my parking lot, the entire lot was covered knee deep in snow—forcing me to park (unsuccessfully) on the street. This was a disaster. There was so much snow and ice my car ended up getting stuck.
My car was stuck at an angle with the front sticking out in the middle of the street. Since there were cars also stuck on the opposite side, there wasn't much room for other vehicles to pass through safely. I was going to call roadside assistance, but when I spoke to my "hero" he was insisted on "saving the day" by helping me.
Hearing his "I've got this" attitude made me feel as if he truly did care. He lived only a few minutes away and said (with confidence) that he was on his way and I would see him in ten minutes (or less). Immediately I felt relaxed and excited I had chosen to trust him. Well...
I stood outside with confidence waiting. I didn't want anyone to hit my car since the roads were so messy. I waited and waited and waited, but no sign of him. Hmm. I tried to call, but no answer. Over an hour later he arrived. I was worried, freezing, stressed and annoyed.
He jumped out of his truck eagerly approaching me with stories of how he dug multiple cars out of the snow on his way from his place to mine. It took all the strength I had in me to not go ballistic. Although his actions were heroic for others, I was surprised how unconcerned he was about me and my vehicle. And, to not have the decency to call? Seriously?!
Don't get me wrong, I completely understand wanting to help other people. However, promising to be there for someone—that you claim you love and care about—means you help them first. Unless of course, the other person you are choosing to help is in a life or death situation or elderly—neither of these situations were the case.
By putting me as the last priority I felt I could not depend on him or trust him to be there when I needed him. I also felt that setting boundaries would be an issue for him. I was right, they were.
After I expressed why I was upset (and not impressed with his heroism), he apologized profusely. I didn't want to believe that making me a low priority was something he was consciously capable of doing—especially after realizing how difficult it was for me to depend on him in the first place. I decided not to end things on what I hoped was just a fluke situation. Unfortunately, I should have listened to my first instincts.
Being a true superhero is in his actions, not just his words...
Any man can tell you that he will always be there for you when you need him, however actually following through with that promise is a whole different ball game.
Nine months into dating my "hero," I found out that I needed to have surgery—hearing this news I felt worried and stressed. The anxiety I was feeling went away the second he told me he would take a week off of work so that he could be there for me and help out—another opportunity to be my savior. I felt extremely lucky and blessed to have a guy like this in my life. Little did I know that taking time off was more about receiving the "credit" then it was about genuinely saving my day. Great.
My Ex boasted to everyone he knew that he was taking time off work to help me. People at work were impressed, his kids were impressed, family members were impressed and even my friends were impressed. But, when it came time to actually helping me, he acted as if he was struck by kryptonite. Yikes!
This guy was no superhero at all.
He would come over stressed out—and had no problem expressing his stress—daily—when I was ill. He acted as if being there for me was a chore—which was annoying since he wasn't actually there for me—except by showing up to get credit.
He acted clueless on how to take care of me (even though he has children). He would fall asleep quickly—not concerned at all if I needed anything. The entire time he was there, he needed me to micromanage him. And when I directed him on what to do (with the little energy I had) he would get offended. Seriously?! This is when I realized that being a superhero was more of a fantasy than a reality for him. This phony quality was no longer appreciate and frankly, became very unattractive.
If a guy always needs to "save the day," likely, he is over compensating for not having enough self-worth and self-love. A man who is a real hero will give us unconditional love and support—without us needing to ask. He will show up and be there for us—emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically—one-hundred percent.
Ladies, we deserve a man who doesn't need to put everyone else before us. A man whose strengths will be seen and felt by how he treats, respects, loves and values us. A man who we can proudly depend on because we know he's not just Clark Kent...secretly, he is our Superman—and works hard to prove this.