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My Story of Overcoming an abusive relationship

Updated on March 28, 2015

This is my story

I know everyone's first thought is why would you be with someone, or stay with someone that is abusive towards you? How could you be so naïve? Couldn't you just leave? Well, that all sounds so simple. I'm sure most abused victims wish they could have just left the situation. You've also heard the saying hindsight is 20/20. Well when I was 17 I met this guy, he was a little older than me, and already in college. I met him through a group of friends, and he seemed so smart, mature, and caring. I fell for him right off the bat, and we started dating. At first he was very loving and wanted to spend every moment he could with me...he even would come to the grocery store where I worked and visit with me (by visit I mean he would even sit on the bench inside and just watch me). This should have been the first sign for me, controlling wanting to watch my every move. I didn't realize this was what was happening. After 6 months of dating, I turned 18, and a week and 1 day later we were married. We lived in my parents basement, and the first time he hit me he told me he was sorry, cried, and begged me not to leave. He told me if I would have just done what he said he wouldn't have done it. I felt like it was my fault for mouthing off. I had bruises, and I had to lie to my mom about how I got them. After that we had little incidents much like that, but then we went on vacation. We were in a hotel room, and he had been drinking. I came out of that with 2 black eyes, and he had tried to suffocate me. After that incident I had to return to work the next day. I lied to everyone, I told them I fell down the stairs. They didn't believe me, and wanted to call police, and I begged them not to insisting I only fell down those stairs. the next time something happened, we were at a party (which he rarely ever let me go to parties with him, or even talk to my friends or family), and he pulled my pants down and raped me in front of everyone there. He told me I was his wife, and it was his right to do what he pleased when he pleased. He convinced his friends I wanted it, and I was drunk so I was just making a fool of myself. To fast forward a bit, we had our first son. (I thought a child would change him, make him grow up) It didn't work, and I became fat and disgusting in his eyes. Fast forward again, I got pregnant again, and he didn't want that. He pushed me against the wall, and punch me in the stomach a few times causing me to have a miscarriage. We went to the hospital the next day, and once again I lied to cover for him. A few months later he got me pregnant again with my youngest son. (I call him the I'm sorry baby). I didn't believe in divorce, and wanted things to work out. I had called my best friend, and she had already known everything. It was hearing her say "It's until death do you part, not until he beats you to death. God would forgive you for leaving under these circumstances. I thought long and hard about he words, and I decided I had to leave. Not just for me, but for my boys. My biggest fear was that he would hurt them, or they would see him beating me and grow up to be abusers like him. It took me about a year to really leave, my attempts we usually stopped by him taking my keys, and cell phone from me. One day he had to go out of town for a few days. I took that opportunity to pack up our stuff, and I moved out with my boys. It wasn't easy because he came back, and he was furious. It was a rough divorce (we were married for 9 years), and he threatened me every chance he got. I knew I was safe, and I have stood up against him ever since. There was more abuse throughout the years, I have just touched on a few of the incidences. I am very happy now, newly remarried to an amazing man that treats me with the utmost respect, loves me for who I am, and is a wonderful father to my sons. When I look back I don't understand how I could have let myself live that life. Someday I hope to be able to use my story, and experiences to help encourage other women. You don't have to live life that way, you deserve the world. Never, for one minute, think you'll never get away. There are places and people that can help. You just have to be strong, and take that fist step towards saving yourself. Be strong, and you'll be glad you were. Once a man hits you, he will say he won't do it again, but he will. Just remember you are worth so much more!

What is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence (closely related to domestic abuse, spousal abuse, battering, family violence and intimate partner violence) is a pattern of behavior which involves violence or other abuse by one person against another in a domestic context, such as inmarriage or cohabitation. Intimate partner violence is domestic violence against a spouse or other intimate partner. Domestic violence can take place in heterosexual or same-sex relationships. Domestic violence can take a number of forms including physical, emotional,verbal, economic and sexual abuse, which can range from subtle, coercive forms to marital rape and to violent physical abuse that results in disfigurement or death. Globally, a wife or female partner is most commonly the victim of domestic violence, though the victim can also be the male partner, or both partners may engage in abusive or violent behavior, or the victim may act in self-defense or retaliation.

Domestic violence often occurs because the perpetrator believes that abuse is justified and acceptable, and may produceintergenerational cycles of abuse that condone violence. Awareness, perception, definition and documentation of domestic violence differs widely from country to country. There may be a cycle of abuse during which tensions rise and an act of violence is committed, followed by a period of reconciliation and calm.

Victims of domestic violence may be trapped in domestic violent situations through isolation, power and control, insufficient financial resources, fear, shame or to protect children. As a result of abuse, victims may experience physical disabilities, chronic health problems, mental illness, limited finances, and poor ability to create healthy relationships. Victims may experience post-traumatic stress disorder. Children who live in a household with violence may continue the legacy of abuse when they reach adulthood. Domestic violence often happens in the context of forced and child marriage.


As defined by: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domestic_violence

Love shouldn't hurt, let's work to end Domestic Violence

Here's a list of websites that may help save your life

These are a few websites that I found, if you feel scared about contacting them talk to a family member that will support you. You have to have a solid plan in place, it won't be easy, and you have to stay strong and confident. My best advice is this: your abuser will try to promise the world to you, or threaten you to get you to go back. DON'T DO IT! Get a restraining order if you have to, but please stay strong, and don't go back. Your abuser will be more mad than ever, and coaxing you back by "being nice" or threatening you is just because they need that control. I stayed strong, and you can too! Good luck, and I wish you the best. You deserve better, and you don't have to take it anymore.

www.thehotline.org

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_help_treatment_prevention.htm

http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp.php

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    • Violet Wheeler profile image
      Author

      Violet Wheeler 3 years ago from Iowa

      Thanks Elaine! I hope my story does help. My goal is to some day be able to find out how to go about going to our local high schools, and sharing my story to help young girls and boys understand it's not something you should ever accept as okay just to feel "loved" or "accepted". I'm very sorry to hear about your friend, that is why I want to help raise awareness. No one deserves an end like that.

    • Elaine Flowers profile image

      Elaine Flowers 3 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Voted up and useful.

      Thanks for sharing your story. It is no mystery to me, as it is to others, why some people stay in abusive relationships. It has everything to do with how you feel about yourself and what you think you deserve. It also has to do with how you were raised, as far as commitment and loyalty. Some people are loyal to a fault and find it difficult to walk away from someone who they know is not well or stable.

      I had a friend who was murdered by her husband and she felt guilty once she left him and ultimately thought she owed him forgiveness and her loyalty. That was her final mistake.

      I'm so glad you survived to tell your story and I hope it helps someone.