Do's, (Mostly Don't's) of Girl-Watching
I ask you . . .honestly
My Cast of Characters Are . . .
THIS HUB IS ABOUT GIRL-WATCHING.
That's all. Plain. Simple. This is not about political-uprisings. Riots. Occupy Wall Street groups. Just good old American girl-watching.
In my day, girl-watching was appreciated by most girls that walked near my girl-watching friends and I. We meant to harm. We just just honest guys who appreciated the beauty of God's most-tender creations, girls. Pretty girls. We didn't consider what we were doing sinful.
But as years went by, feminists got up in arms about girl-watching being sexist. Not fair to women, although girls could man-watch all day long without any remramand. What was fair about that? Let me answer for you. Nothing.
This hub is not to be taken so seriously that boycotts will be implemented, for I do not mean anything but respect for the females in my life. Those who follow me on hubs included. This is a humorous look at girl-watching. And a little tongue-in-cheek added for good measure.
I do hope that you will enjoy this hub as much as I did working on it most of the evening.
Thank you . . .
"Hey, Rocky! Watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat!"
"Nothing up my sleeve!" (Tiger head: GRRRRR!)
"Now here's something we know you'll really like!"
So you think girl-watching is just a passing fad? Think again. So you think that girl-watching is just a bunch of lazy guys hanging-out to watch every pretty girl that goes by? Not a chance.
Please allow me to talk to you for a little while about a lost art. A faded-art. Girl-watching. Oh yeah, guys. Girl-watching could be on the "Endangered Hobby List," if you are not very prudent. And careful. I cannot lay all the blame for phasing-out girl-watching on the powerful group for women, the N.O.W., for that would be immature. I just want the facts out in the open.
Girl-watching has been around as long as there have been girls. Girls. I ask you to, as you help me trace the roots of girl-watching, back to pre-historical man, consider this scenario: The caveman needs a mate to carry on his bloodlines. What other choice does he have than to hang-out with his cavemen friends after the dinosaur races, and see which cave woman he will choose to be his mate. Thus, girl-watching was not only a fanciful habit, but a necessity.
Now that the roots of girl-watching has been established in pre-historical man days, we can look to the years of civilized man where the natural male-female attraction began to take on more than just a cold necessity, but a down-right, fun thing to do on a Saturday when young men were allowed to leave the farms and go to town. Wow-eee, what a time! We gonna have a hoe-down in the old town tonight!
A typical, but not proven, system of successful girl-watching might be where four or five guys find a place that is well-travelled by female shoppers in town for that Saturday and just sit quietly as they walk to and fro. Some bold girl-watchers might even whistle or give them a wolf-howl. And the girls, who were taught prim and proper behavior in those days, might "act" upset, but inside they were enjoying the fire out of the attention. What a thing to tell your girlfriend. "Hey, Sally Sue, guess who whistled at me today? No. No. Okay. It was, giggle, giggle, Lee Roy Hammer, Mr. Hamp Hammer's boy. You know Mr. Hammer. He owns the sawmill out of town!" And from there it would be Sally Sue's next turn to be the center of attention on the front of the Piggly Wiggly that following Saturday.
Before I get to involved. And carried-away. Let me tell you . . .
WHAT GIRL-WATCHING IS ABOUT . . .
- Appreciating pretty girls and women who are made by God.
- Enjoying, if you are a single guy, just how great a pretty girl looks as she floats down the center of the mall or sidewalk.
- Keeping a true American art form alive for future generations of guys.
- Showing the girls and women that they are still appreciated as females, not livestock.
WHAT GIRL-WATCHING IS NOT ABOUT . . .
- Ogling. Stalking every girl that you see. This is cheap. Rude behavior.
- Acting like an idiot and getting yourself arrested for lude remarks.
- Making any girl feel dirty.
- Bringing unwanted attention to the girls you watch.
- Laughing like animals when a pretty girl smiles at you.
Right now, guys, who have never experienced a good afternoon of girl-watching, you may be saying to yourself, "But, Kenneth. I'm not a girl-watcher. I could get in deep trouble for doing that." What? Big trouble? With whom? The law? Listen, my timid pal, you have listened to Satan or someone as slick, a presidential candidate, who has steered you in the wrong pathway. Cheer up. Relax. Exhale. I am here to straighten you out on girl-watching and how you can be a happier man if you know how to watch girls.
But before I do that, my timid pal, I want to tell you . . .
whom are not fit for girl-watching . . .
- Shy. Self-conscious. Awkward guys. This is an arena for fit men. Daring men. Confident men.
- Loud-mouths who love to make suggestive remarks to women to hear their equally-loud and rude pals laugh like donkeys.
- Insecure men who cannot handle rejection. And harsh-looks from (some) girls.
- Outdated fashion guys who do not know how to dress for 2012, but use their 1960s get-ups when they go to town.
OKAY, MY TIMID PAL, HERE IS HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL
GIRL-WATCHER . . .
- DO NOT stand-out of the crowd. The last thing a successful girl-watcher wants is to bring attention to himself. Keep quiet. This way you can watch girls and not be detected.
- BE IN CONTROL at all times. Do not cough. Sneeze. Scratch if an ant stings you on the foot. Be very reserved. Statuesque. Sudden. Nervous movement can 'scare away' the pretty girls from the place you have picked to watch them. Kinda like deer hunting. The most-sudden movement or suttle sound can spell doom for your hunting trip. Understand?
- GIRL-WATCH if possible, alone, not with pals. There is something that's unnerving about a gang of guys hanging out. Doing nothing. And when a pretty girl walks by, they all stop talking. Their heads follow the pretty girl as far down the sidewalk as their eyes will let them.
- DRESS IN SOFT TONES like professional deer hunters dress in camouflage. This will enable you to relax. Watch the girls more. Because if you blend-in with the crowd, she cannot see you.
THINGS NOT TO DO IF YOU WANT TO BE A SUCCESSFUL
GIRL-WATCHER . . .
- DISGUISE YOURSELF in a bear suit. Clown suit. Or oak tree. And think that girls won't see you. They will. Girls have excellent sight. And if you were to wear some outlandish costume and get caught when the girls scream in fear, you will have to wear that costume all night in your local jail. Imagine how that would go over.
- SING ORIGINAL SONGS that YOU have written. First, you will be made into a laughingstock by the pretty girls--unless you sound like Usher, Jay Zee, or some other talented singer. And second, what good would it do? Girls had rather hear songs on an MP3 player for it has better quality. Better sound.
- BE OVERLY-CONFIDENT standing up flashing your just-cleaned teeth at the girls. They hate a show-off. Really. If I were you, just starting out, I'd just be humble. Quiet. Shy. And sincere. And the girls will appreciate you watching them. Some might go out with you. But make absolutely sure that it's not out of pity, but because they want to.
- "ACT" like you are NOT girl-watching. One thing that any girl cannot stand is a fake. If she catches you, just own it. Say, "yes. I am guilty of girl-watching and I must say, you are the prettiest girl I've seen today," and hopefully she won't mop up the ground with you.
NOW FOR SOME IMPORTANT QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS . . .
QUESTION: Kenneth, do I have to be, like, really smart to be a girl-watcher?
ANSWER: (laughs) no, sir. You do not need an IQ of 237 to be a girl-watcher, but you do need to be smart enough to not stand up and yell at girls passing by in a Walt Disney's Goofy voice, "Heyyy, garsh! I'm uh, girl-watcher...look-a here! I seeee you!" An average IQ is just fine.
QUESTION: will the police arrest me for girl-watching?
ANSWER: if you are only watching girls out of the corner of your eye, or looking past them, what law are you breaking, living? If you are in a public place, say a park, and sitting on a wooden bench feeding the hungry pigeons, no court in the land would dare spend taxpayer monies on you just casually looking in the general direction of the pretty girls. But if you lunge off the bench at them and act like a German Shepherd, the police can and will haul you in.
QUESTION: why do I feel 'funny,' when I girl-watch?
ANSWER: unless you are a stand-up comic, I can assume the 'funny' feeling is yourself feeling something good. Clean. Moral. Girl-watching is not illegal. It only seems that way.
QUESTION: are there just certain places that are made for girl-watching?
ANSWER: (laughs), well you can watch girls most anywhere. Shopping malls; sidewalks; in the park; while sitting on the grass in the park--reading a book; while up a tree, but do not resort to climbing a tree to watch a girl. Anywhere there are pretty girls, you should have sense enough to figure out where to plant yourself and watch them.
. . .one more question. Yes, you in the back. In the red sweater.
QUESTION: Mr. Kenneth, last week my regular girl slapped me when she caught me looking at this really good-looking check-out girl at the 7-11. I apologized a lot that night. Now she won't let it go. What should I have done?
ANSWER: that's easy. You should have smiled that devilish smile that she likes and said, "busted!" "I looked at that girl there. You better thank your lucky stars that I didn't look at your sister," that would have shown your girl that you are a manly-man. Hard to tame. A loner. A guy she had better hold onto.
Thank you for the "Q&A," now a final topic about girl-watching:
TOOLS THE "OLD PRO" GIRL-WATCHERS USED . . .
- Newspapers with a hole cut out in the fold. This worked for years. But the risk of coming home with ink on the nose put a stop to that.
- Fake naps was a favorite tool of the "old pro" girl-watchers, and it was simple to do. You just bend your head over while sitting on a public bench or seat, then as the pretty girl sways by you, carefully open one eye. Then two. You can girl-watch a long time using the fake nap. But do not stay too long on the park bench or seat, for innocent by-standers might think you have passed away.
- Binoculars were the front-line tool for bold girl-watchers. And the pro' who used them had an excuse already made-up if they were caught, "Oh, you think I was looking at you, sister? That's very self-flattering. I was, in fact, watching that Red-Crowned, Brown-Breasted Water Crow on that building over there. Not you." These old-timers really knew their stuff.
- The 'group' effort was an easy way to watch girls. You get in the center of your pals who have their backs turned to the passage way where the pretty girls will be walking and keep ducked-down. Out of sight. When a pretty girl walks by, you ease-up and look at her walk by and then you take your turn at shielding one of your good-hearted friends who also loves to watch girls.
You see, there was more to girl-watching that you might have imagined. And I am so glad that my research outlets came through for me on this hub, which was tough to write. I had to respect the ladies of my readership and at the same time, say truthful things to the menfolks who have never had the wonderful experience of girl-watching.
And to the girls. Women. Ladies. No disrespect was intended by this hub. It is not your fault that you are attractive. Pretty. With perfect features. Just keep this in mind, our married lady friends
. . .your loving hubby was once a girl-watcher. How do you think he spotted you?
"A SINCERE THANK YOU TO ALL
WHO TOOK THE TIME TO READ THIS HUB."