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Easy Steps to Hating Your Spouse- Ways we show a lack of love

Updated on March 4, 2012

It is so easy in our marriages to show anger and frustration with our spouse. To show love sometimes can be very difficult. We often come across with our spouse as unloving, cold and uncaring. Following are some ways we show hatred to the one we are married to and how we can make things better to show love to them.

Ways We Show Hatred to our Spouse

Following are things we do that comes across as unloving and uncaring to our spouse. Too, you will find ways to correct these down falls so that you can better love your spouse.

1. Not listening attentively

Let's face it, we have so many things on our mind. How are we going to pay the bills? Will I be able to keep my job in a bad economy? What are we going to do with a child that will not listen to us? There are many things that take our attention so that we don't really hear what our partner is saying. Sometimes, we are guilty of not listening because we just don't care about the subject being discussed, but it does matter to them.

Solution- So, if you find yourself guilty of not listening attentively to your spouse, here are some ways to make it better. You can begin by spending an hour a day without distractions to just listen to each other. Too, set ground rules with your children that when mommy and daddy are talking, they don't interrupt. Another idea is to not answer phone calls or texts until the conversation is over. Caller ID helps in this, because you can ignore the call and return the call at a convenient time. The main step to better listening is just understanding that your spouse matters enough to be heard.

2. Showing disrespect

We can often be guilty of showing disrespect to our spouse. We can say things like, "Are you stupid?", and related things that makes them feel humiliated. By doing this we come across as unloving. Our spouse feels at this point that you are the enemy and don't like them. There are many ways that we can show a lack of respect to our spouse.

Solution- Sit down and discuss with your spouse ways that they feel disrespect from you. Listen to yourself, and make sure that your words, your voice tone, and your body language are communicating respect and love to your partner.

3. Lack of time spent together

The crush of life can drive you and your spouse physically apart. The demands of work, children, and time for yourself can pull you both apart. When you are together you are exhausted, frazzled and just plain empty. You don't feel like you have any energy left to give to your spouse. However, they are the most important person in your life. They deserve the best from you.

Solution- Take time to go on dates. You used to date and loved being together before you were married. Why not now? You both need time for just each other. One thing my wife and I do is take an hour each evening after the kids are in bed to sit and quietly talk. We share our day, laugh and sometimes just sit there together and say nothing. We just enjoy being physically in each other's presence.

4. Using unloving words and yelling

It seems for many of us that it is easy to just explode on our spouse. The pressures of life get to us and we just let it out on our spouse. When we yell, jab, and use sarcasm we are essentially saying, "I don't love you". We don't like it when our spouse acts this way toward us, but fail to realize that they don't like it either when we are guilty of doing it to them.

Solution- Take time to calm down before speaking to your spouse. They are such a gift to you. Do you want to trample on that gift? Let them know that you are not happy in the moment and that you need time to cool down, so you can love them well. If you already blew up at them, then humble yourself immediately and ask for forgiveness and gently explain the context of why you did this to them. Often, there are underlying pressures that you or they can't see, and so there will be a misinterpretation of the unpleasant words.

5. Lack of attention

Often we can be guilty of just not paying attention to our spouse. We don't write love notes to them. We don't send texts to say we are thinking about them. We don't give them the attention they need. So, now they feel unloved. They feel like they aren't as important as your boss, your friends or the television.

Solution- Take time each day to write a little note, send a text, and in some other way let them know that they are appreciated and loved. Let them know that they matter to you and that you are thankful for them. By doing this you are saying those important words, "I Love You".

An interview on breaking the crazy cycle in marriage


So, there you have it. We can often be guilty of showing hatred to our spouse without even knowing it or meaning to. We want them to show love to us, but overlook the fact that we need to show love to them. By implementing these practices in your marriage you will see a change for the better, and your marriage will be a pleasant experience as you journey life together. One more piece of advice is to not get so focused on the end result of what you want in your spouse or marriage that you miss today with them. We have high expectations that we want them to live up to and when they fail to live up to those expectations, we get upset and distant with them. Enjoy today, because you may not have them tomorrow. Leave the end result and the big picture up to God, and just enjoy the gift of today together. You will find that you are less stressed and more free to just enjoy the one God has given you.


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    • Michael Davis profile imageAUTHOR

      Michael Davis 

      4 years ago

      confused- Thank you for your honesty. It is easy to fall for someone who gives you special attention, but you must avoid this pitfall. Especially never meeting this person and only talking on the internet makes it an especially dangerous situation. Also, keep in mind that everyone has weaknesses and this other guy will be just as weak and broken as your husband is and as much as you and I are. No one is perfect. Right now you may not see and just only see the romance in this guy, but keep in mind that he is human too.

      As far as your husband, you both made a commitment to love each other. Love is very difficult sometimes. It sounds like you two need to renew your love for each other. Talk and remember what caused you two to fall in love in the first place.

      Also, remember that everyone changes over time. No one ever is same as when they met. So, now it is important to focus on what is good and amazing about your husband and fall in love with him all over again.

      He needs to do the same. What is his response when you share your needs?

      Does he want to work on the marriage?

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      I never met this guy before. We met on internet. I don't know if that make difference in you answer. He be so great. I know family be mad, but I love how he treat me.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      I am confused and not sure what to do. I hope you help me. We been having problems for while now. I keep trying. I love my husband very much. Not seem to be working though. Emotionally and physically nothing there for long time. He keeps wanting to work on this cause he say we are meant to be and he love me. He keep getting mad at me though. I have a friend who we talk in private. My husband not know. He is so kind. He writes me or calls everyday. We send private pictures too. He tell me how sexy I am. I not hear that from my husband in many years. He really get me and understand. He is so kind. It is so much fun. He say he love me and want to be with me. What do I do?

    • Michael Davis profile imageAUTHOR

      Michael Davis 

      5 years ago

      John-Rose- Yes, it's not easy to get back on track. I'm glad that you are figuring it out. Often we see clearly how our spouse is trampling us and we become bitter for it, but we fail to see how much we are tramping our spouse.

    • John-Rose profile image


      5 years ago from USA

      It's so easy to be guilty of everything that you mentioned after spending so much time with someone. It desensitizes us somewhat and it's hard to keep under control after letting it become a habit. I was a bad husband a few years ago and can relate to this article. Getting back on track isn't easy, but it is well worth it.

    • bizna profile image


      5 years ago from NAIROBI - KENYA

      Enjoy today, because you may not have them tomorrow. Leave the end result and the big picture up to God, and just enjoy the gift of today together. You will find that you are less stressed and more free to just enjoy the one God has given you.

      Am in love with that conclusion, don't wait to learn that he was the best when you have already lost him.

    • Michael Davis profile imageAUTHOR

      Michael Davis 

      6 years ago

      Ruchi Urvashi- Thank you. I am happy to hear that these articles are helping!

    • Ruchi Urvashi profile image

      Ruchi Urvashi 

      6 years ago from Singapore

      Great work. I am amazed by your each article. They are true to the core and gives me some insight what can I do right to make my relationship better. Looking forward to read all your articles on relationship. Keep on writing. Voted up!


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