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9 Homophobic Things Straight Men Say Too Often

Updated on August 3, 2013

A Little More Representation

Openly LGBTQ Congress Officials
How They Made History
The State they Served
Krysten Sinema
First Openly Bisexual Member of Congress
Arizona
Mark Takano
First Non-White (Asian) Openly Gay Member of Congress
California
Sean Patrick Maloney
First Openly Gay Representative from New York
New York
Mark Pocan
First Openly Gay Representative to be Elected after another Openly Gay Representative
Wisconsin

Listen Up, Bro

The Pro-Gay Team has been celebrating a year of many victories in the United States. A lot of firsts in terms of openly gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual (like bisexual, but includes attraction to transgender), and transgender Congressmen and women. Marriage equality victories in Minnesota, Maine, and Maryland, as well as the recent Supreme Court ruling on the controversial clauses from the Defense of Marriage Act .

2012 has taught us that being on the Pro-Gay Team is IN. I can see it in my own household, with my family. How television shows featuring gay cast members are slowly but surely making guys (straight guys) feel more comfortable with being on the Pro-Gay team. Seeing that being on the Pro-Gay (that is, supporting gay people and/or gay rights efforts) team is now cool to most guys, I'd like to take a moment and reflect on some behavior that I feel doesn't belong on the Pro-Gay team.

By that I mean, while I know that straight guys don't know everything about gay stuff or how to be more "gay-sensitive," I feel that if you wanna be a cool forward-thinking straight man in today's more gay-friendly culture...guys you gotta stop saying crap like this:

What you think you're saying
"Since most relationships have a dominant male or a submissive female dynamic, who plays which roles?"
What you're actually saying
"Who gets it in the butt?"
Perhaps what you should say instead
"I don't know much about gay or same-sex relationships. Would you mind telling me more about how they work?"

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #9 --> "Which one of you is the guy in the relationship? Which one is the girl?"

I don't wanna spend much time talking about this, but too many guys just don't get it. When a man loves a man, there is no woman or "woman." There are many different kinds (many more egalitarian kinds) of relationships, than just the "common" dominant male and submissive female.

Why this is homophobic:

It's less homophobic, and more just plain ignorant.

Most gay relationships don't work by prescribing roles to each other, but rather they leave it up to themselves (those two men or two women) to decide what's best for their relationship.

Believe it or not: PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE in purely masculine, purely feminine, or purely androgynous relationships. The male-female dynamic is NOT a staple for the world's best relationships. (Hell, usually, it's the heterosexuals who are divorcing like crazy or getting married multiple times in one life.)

What you think you're saying
"You're not acting how you usually are. Man the Hell Up!"
What you're actually saying
"Only women and little girls act as weak and pathetic as you are right now. Grow some balls!"
What you should probably say instead
"It seems like you're acting different than usual. Is everything ok?"

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #8 --> "Stop being such a girl/woman"

This is a pretty UGLY thing to say to a fellow man. (Not because it's ugly for a man to be womanly, but rather it's just harsh.)

Ever noticed how, when coaches wanna demean and insult their players for not playing as aggressively as they should, coaches call their players "a bunch of little GIRLS" (just check everyone's favorite Disney sports film, Remember the Titans, Denzel Washington's coach character does it to the Titans high school football team). Or when a guy is moving too slow to get ready to go somewhere with his guy friends or is over-concerned with their looks before going out...you'll here that exact phrase.

Pretty much, anytime a fairly masculine man is impeding on his fellow man's plans or success, he's called a "slow-moving, superficial, physically weak, emotionally oversensitive, no-balls-having WOMAN or GIRL." Sometimes more vulgarly referred to as being a "bitch" or a "pussy." Funny thing about calling someone one of those two things...they are BOTH female-related and derogatory to be called such.

There's a "Man Code" (not really, but you know what I mean), or, as I like to think of it, a "Man Zone." There are whole volumes of books on this "Man Code/Zone," and why? Because men (straight and non-straight) believe in this crap wholeheartedly, and because there is serious penalty for stepping outside for the "Man's Zone," even for a second. Once outside of the "Man Zone" of manliness, people, usually other insecure men, within the "Man Zone," question that man's sexuality or pride in being a man. A dreadfully fearful experience, which is made all the more fearful by being in such a hardcore, patriarchal society that puts manly men in power and feminine women in submission.

Why this is homophobic:

Gay men are considered by mainstream society to be at least 25% more likely (not an actual figure) to operate more outside the "Man Zone." Straight men are considered more preferable by mainstream society WAY WAY over the gays. By reinforcing to men everywhere that operating outside the ridiculous "Man Zone" is a crime punishable by rude sexual inquiry and social suicide tells men that being meticulous, sensitive, momentarily ill-conditioned or not physically fit is what "women" are, what "women" are supposed to be like, and that being any of these qualities is terribly wrong.

When, in actuality, ALL MEN, to some degree, are these qualities...meticulous, when it comes to working hard (Surprise, dude! You don't know it all!)...sensitive, when it comes to raising children (You don't wanna be that dad, whose kids have Child Protective Services on speed dial)...momentarily ill-conditioned, when it comes to "man challenges" (Men, in case you didn't know this...you're NOT indestructible. Or, in other words, you're destructible.)...not physically fit, when it comes to comparing oneself to celebrities (Believe it or not, body anxiety is just as serious of an issue to men as it is to women. There was a time when, in cinema, our male action stars, Bogart, Grant, Cagney, were just average joes when it came to their bodies. Now, every male star on TV and in movies has an adonis body, unless you're a comedian or a villain.). These qualities don't belong to one gender or another, but we need to address that some of these individually can be good and bad.

I imagine that if we did not demonize "femininity" and "sensitivity" in our young boys:

  • there would be a lot less violent crimes in poverty-stricken areas
  • there would be a lot less bullying in private and public schools
  • young men wouldn't go out and rape their female peers

What you THINK you're saying
"I'm not interested in that sort of stuff"
What you're ACTUALLY saying
"Only gay guys watch/do/go to (that gay-related thing). Why would I do that? I'm straight."
What you might sound LESS accusatory
"No offense, but I don't know if I'd be comfortable going or participating in that."
Read more on how to sound better in the "Try This" section below

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #7 --> "I'm not watching/doing/going to (that gay-related thing), because I'm not gay"

The most recent example of straight men saying this: The film Magic Mike which recently came out on DVD. I cannot tell you how many of my straight guy friends had to make it clear to EVERYONE that they would NOT watch that movie. (In case you don't know, Magic Mike is about male strippers.) It was like a boycott. The "Man Zone" again.

As a media studies student and as a young gay male, male nudity in films is a fascinating topic, especially when it comes to a straight male audience. In the last 5 years, the crudest, but highest grossing (catch that?) comedies featured blatant full-frontal male nudity (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, the Hangover films, and American Reunion). Despite flashing the predominantly straight male audience with another man's goodies, these comedies did very well. However, while Magic Mike had a bit of comedy, for the most part, it's a very serious film that deals with struggling to find purpose in life and drug addiction. The crazy thing is...you don't even see any guy's goodies...a butt or two, but no penis. There's actually way more tits in this movie than dick. (That I was a personally disappointed about.) So, why are straight guys freaking out at this specific film, yet love other films that show real dick?

Why this is homophobic:

While Magic Mike has NOTHING to do with anything gay, it shows (nearly) naked men dancing provocatively. (I wonder how many movies there are where nearly naked women dance provocatively that tons of women have to sit through.) The fear here of admitting that some straight guy WANTS to watch a movie where men dance naked provocatively in a serious setting is very clear, despite the fact that females have to sit through tens of thousands films where women dance nearly naked for the pleasure of their male audience (and I'm not talking about porn). It's the fear of "gay by association": straight men fear that, if they are seen at an event or movie most frequented by women and non-hetero guys, this makes them "gay by association," and people wonder about the guy's sexuality.

Not liking something doesn't make a guy homophobic, but not liking or engaging something (especially something very non-gay as Magic Mike) because other people will think you're gay is questionably homophobic. There are many reasons to not like drag shows, many reasons to not like going to Gay Pride events, many reasons to not watch gay-themed movies, shows, or plays, BUT to make it known to others that you don't like or wanna engage in these activities or others for fear that you, a straight male, would be in the minority and others would think you're gay is pretty homophobic. There is no "gay by association," just like watching Soul Food or Boyz in the Hood doesn't make you anymore "African-American."

Try This, instead:

You don't have to give a reason why you may not wanna go, but I'd urge you to try something new. Who knows? You might actually have a good time around the gays and the women. Hell, straight men, you might actually meet single straight women...not saying that that's why you should spend time with gays at gay-related events, but might be an incentive.

What you think you're saying
"If only some gay guys didn't have to SHOW OFF all the time."
What you're actually saying
"If only ALL gay guys could squelch their 'gay-ness' and 'femininity' and just be NORMAL."
What you might wanna say instead
"I'm not used to spending time or talking to guys who are very extroverted or who have certain interested. What do you think?"
Read the more on how to sound better in "Try This" section below

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #6 --> "You're cool, but I hate those flamboyant gay guys."

I hear this double standard from all men, straight and gay alike: a detest for the loud, effeminate, queeny, bitchy, superficial, egotistical, sex-obsessed gays. Fem gays have long had to carve out their own faction in the LGBTQ (Lesbian-Gay-Bisexual-Transgender-Queer) community, because of this disgust. However, nowadays, there's at least ONE overtly fem gay guy in your high school, dorm room floor, or workplace.

For some reason, when he comes around, OH LAAAWWWRD!, and as soon as he leaves, he's chastised and ridiculed for his high-pitched voice or lisp, his bright, metrosexual clothing, his feminine excited gestures, or his mild facial makeup.

What I've learned as a (fairly) masculine gay guy is that most straight men REALLY wanna be on the Pro-Gay Team, they wanna play, BUT they fear "gay by association."

If straight men think that going to a Gay Pride event makes them "gay by association," what do they think of spending time with a (not my words) "fairy"? Oh, BOY! Or should I say...Oh, GUURRRRLLL!

Why this is homophobic:

This is where the line gets drawn; a guy can totally date guys, and be accepted, but the minute he starts lisping, shwishing his hips, wearing capris or bright colors, or starts talking about very "gay" things, OH NO! We cannot respect him. "He's not a real man. Why is he acting like that? Why can't he just be a normal guy?"

My usual response: "Why does this fem guy have to be like you? What makes straight men like you so special?"

What straight men need to realize is that "being a man" is not ALWAYS a priority for all men. When I wake up in the morning and start going about my day, I don't go around flaunting my masculinity, as if I'm "more of a man" than a "fairy." I do my thing, and I don't feel like I need to "protect and stand up for my manhood," because my real manhood is between my legs, attached to my body. It's not something that can be proven or promoted.

For a lot of straight men, I think that they think that "being a man" is like a contest: who can be the MOST masculine, virile, self-confident, and attractive? My theory is that straight men don't like fem gays because they feel like fem gay men either don't wanna participate in this pissing contest or feel exempt from participating. I know fem gay men who don't hold masculinity as a priority who have TEN TIMES the drive, personality, intellect, and zeal for benevolence than most of the really masculine straight men I know who hold their masculinity as their ONLY priority.

Maybe us men need to shift our focus from constantly trying to "be a man" to just "being a good person." The most influential male figures (Jesus Christ, Gandhi, MLK, Jr.) didn't focus so hard on "being a man" but rather on "being a good person."

Try This, also:

I know that you're only speaking your mind, BUT there are times when you must hold your tongue.

Better than any of this, try to talk/spend time genuinely with an fem gay...contrary to popular belief, fem gay men are WAY MORE COOL than you think.

Also, analyze your manhood. Ask yourself, "Am I trying too hard?" (Because nobody likes it when anyone tries too hard to be something that they're not or cannot be)

What you think you're saying
"I know a few gay people, and it surprised me when you told me you were"
What you're actually saying
"I know gay people better than you, because I've interacted with homosexual feelings. You don't seem homosexual like them."
What would sound so much better
"Honestly, I don't know much about gay people, but I was surprised to know that you were gay. Tell me more about it."

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #5 --> "I totally did not know that you were homosexual...you don't act gay"

Often do I hear this when I come out as "gay" to people. The shock. The confusion. It's priceless. "BUT...you're one of...THEM?! But HOW?"

There are mistaken numbers, which are often called "statistics," which my sociology professor called "sadistics," which say that one in ten people are indeed of the "homosexual persuasion." If that's the case, then shouldn't there be 3 shithole gay bars in my hometown if there are 30 nightly venues? The point is that men and women, on all points in the sexuality spectrum, have believed this myth. Why?

This myth, like most other myths, grants straights and gays the most coveted superpower of all, in terms of finding love: the ability to tell what someone's sexual orientation is. Put it like this: 10 men are standing in a line, and you are told to identify, if any, the gay person/people of the line-up. Applying this "sadistic," we would think that the nine of them MUST BE straight, when they could all be queer as a 3-Dollar Bill.

These gay "myths" and "sadistics" are perpetrated by our heterosexist (ignorant to gay possibilities in society) society, in order to allow (for the most part) straight people the justification for stereotyping gay people. "See! I told you he's gay. I knew it, based off a set of preconceived notions of this individual's behavior, style, and language WHICH WAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS SEXUALITY."

Why this is homophobic:

Couple problems with saying this. First, last I checked, most people in the world aren't trained, qualified, and educated experts on human sexuality. So, why everyone is trying to act like they know what "gay people are like" is beyond me.

Second, I hate that usually it's the people who only know like one or two gay people who actually say this. Now, not to create a double standard, but I wouldn't be as upset if someone who has spent time in the gay community, really talking and getting to know gay people, said something like this. However, from what I've noticed as a young gay man, it's usually some straight jock who has only seen or talked to or is related to ONE gay person, and now has prescribed this image to ALL GAY PEOPLE, and then gets freaked out when there's a WILD UNEXPECTED GAY in his midst.

Third, you know that someone generally doesn't associate with "gay" people when he or she calls them "homosexuals." I'd love to go into details as to why it's awkward and somewhat offensive to call someone a "homosexual," but I'll give the short-and-sweet analogy: In the same way that you don't call a "black person" a "Negro," you don't call a "gay person" a "homosexual." It's over-technical, awkward, and usually a term most frequently used by homophobes (i.e. "Those evil homosexuals."). Get it?

What you think you're saying
"I wanna play for the Pro-Gay Team, but there are some reservations that I have about gay people."
What you're actually saying
"I wanna SEEM LIKE I want to and do indeed play for the Pro-Gay Team, but my own opinions on gay things are so grounded in truth and real life experience that I cannot."
What you need to say if you wanna say this
(Read "Try This" Section below)

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #4 --> "Well, hey, I have nothing against gay people, it's just..."

Yes, we know. You love the gays. Who doesn't? We are pretty fabulous mofos. But what's this? You, a non-gay, has a complaint about the gays. Well, I'll have to take this complaint to the High Chancellor of the Gays, so that a decree can be made to allow straights like you more docile gays. So that our gayness doesn't disrupt your life...even when our gayness doesn't disrupt your life, at all.

Why this is homophobic:

In fact, now that I think about it...sometimes your straightness disrupts my gay life. I mean, it wasn't gay people who disallowed gays from serving openly in the military until 2011. It wasn't gay people who created laws against gay sex and then arrested/brutalized gay people until 2003. It's not gay people who have tried to bar gay couples from adopting children, becoming teachers, having a federally recognized marriage, or making end-of-life decisions for each other. And it's certainly not gay writers, gay producers, or gay directors that are using gay couples as props in purely heterosexual storylines (i.e. "Modern Family" and "Glee") to win points with GLAAD.

So, let's make a deal.

Try This, instead:

I won't bitch at you for sounding like a heterosexist moron for whatever you're about to say, so long as you don't say shit like this...to my (GAY) face. Ok?

(I know that this sounds a lot like just bitching, but it's no easy feat living as a gay man in a world where most major religions [on the surface] don't appreciate who you are and in a society which refuses to offer any substantial assistance to young gay men and women when the world has turned them a cold shoulder.)

What you think you're saying
"That's stupid"
What you're actually saying
"That's stupid...I mean, GAY!"
What you should say
(Read the "Try This" section below)

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #3 --> "That's gay!"

That's right. I'm gonna be THAT GUY. That guy causes an "unnecessary uproar" over the misuse of the word "gay."

Why this is homophobic:

In the last 3 years, at least 11 students (elementary, middle, and high) have taken their own lives because they felt like the peers around them didn't want them around. They were undervalued, some because they openly identified as gay and some simply because they SEEMED gay to peers.

When a person kills herself or his self, I feel like one of the main reasons is that their self-worth is GONE. Now, a person from childhood immediately has self-worth; it's why we love compliments and hate being teased or insulted. Most people in this world don't lose self-worth because they are mentally self-deprecating people, but rather because others take one's self-worth and undermine that person's identity.

One of the easiest and most seemingly innocuous ways to decrease another person's self-worth is to make a part of that person's innate identity synonymous with something in society that's not to be desired. In other words, make a person feel bad for being who they are, which is unchangeable. Once you convince someone that an unchangeable part of their identity is bad and will always be seen by others as bad...you've succeeded in decreasing their self-worth.

Now, I know that most people who say "That's gay" mean absolutely, positively NO OFFENSE to gay people; however, in the interconnected digital age that we're in, the walls most certainly have ears. When I volunteer at the Boys and Girls Club, I'm not longer shocked to hear children as young as 6, using each and every curse word in perfect context sadly. Unlike adults, though, kids use these words and phrases without understanding the weight and disparaging nature of these things.

Even when people say, "That's gay," it can make young people think that being gay is "undesirable" or "stupid," and this language can multiply and be passed down from generation to generation. And forever would students who are gay or who seem gay be insulted and lose self-worth and more gay youth can die, because the adults around them make "gay" synonymous with "stupid." That's one future...

Try This, instead:

...or we could get smart and nip it in the bud. Your choice. Just remember, those AT-RISK GAY PEOPLE could be your family members, your future bosses or co-workers, your friends, or your future children.

What you think you're saying
"You insensitive cowardly fool!"
What you're actually saying
(Read the "Why this is Homophobic" section below)
What you should say instead
(Read the "Try This" section below)

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #2 --> That "F-A-G" Word

While some of the previous statements are grounded in some sort of (misunderstood and minor) logical reasons, this one has NONE OF THAT. There's no scenario that pops into my head where the word "fag" can or should be used. As a gay gamer, "gaymer" (add that to your vernacular), I've heard this infamous sexual slur mostly around, sadly, my own folks, GAMERS, specifically straight male gamers. I also hear it from stupid people, just plain old bigots and unenlightened homophobes. While I don't care about the idiotS, I care (very much) that my own community uses a slur against gays so frequently that the word and saying it is now instinctual and seemingly powerless to those who say it.

Why this is homophobic:

Words have histories and cultures attached to them. Every so often, when I challenge some guy on the grounds of using the word "fag," I get this smart ass reply, "Well, I mean the British definition of 'fag' which means cigarettes." For the same reason (I hope) that America no longer uses the word "niggardly" as a synonym for "stingy," Americans don't use "fag" to mean cigarettes. That's stupid. We know what you're really trying to say.

The word "fag" has a history for sure, a terrible history that should never be forgot. "Fag" is obviously short for "faggot." (The etymology of "fag" seems to come from the Italian word "fascism," not a very nice thing to think about) "Faggot" denotatively meant "a bundle of sticks." In American history, dating back to the early Settlers, faggots were collected and placed in a public place, where a "social deviant" (someone considered a "witch" or a "heretic") was strung to a pole and the faggots below them were burned...burning the "social deviant" in public at the stake. More notorious, in Northern European, especially during the rise of a certain group of conservative radical anti-Semitics, many of these "faggots" were burned, which took the lives of gays and lesbians, who these societies wanted to be eternally damned. Everyone, from adolescence to elderly, thought to have overt gender variance or untraditional sexual mores were found, hurt, and burned atop a pile of "faggots."

Try This, instead:

I cannot think of any scenario EVER where this sort of language should be used or tolerate, knowing that it has this sort of history and cultural weight.

What you think you're saying
"Hahaha. I want to compliment you fellow man, but I also want to ensure you that you know that I am indeed heterosexual."
What you're actually saying
"Hahaha. I want to compliment you fellow man, but, in complimenting you, I've shown weakness and mild attraction to you, so I must retaliate by telling you and the whole world that I HAVE NO HOMOSEXUAL FEELINGS WHATSOEVER...and NEVER WILL...despite this ONE instance which would make me seem gay otherwise."
What you should say
(Read the "Try This" section below)

HOMOPHOBIC STATEMENT #1 --> "No Homo"

Gentlemen, my straight friends, I know how much you love the vagina, and the boobs, and the ladies' behinds, and her curves, and her smell, and her soft skin, and BLAH BLAH BLAH. As a gay man who hangs out with straight men regularly, I almost feel threatened by how STRAIGHT men can be. It's like a freaking contest. Who can be the MOST heterosexual? Get the most girls?

It's like all guys talk and think about. GIRLS! GIRLS! GIRLS! How hot they are...how ugly they are...how nice they are...how crazy they are...F***ING GIRLS...ALL THE F***ING TIME!! Gosh!

Even when I'm around my gay friends, we don't just sit around, and drool over the sight of EVERY SINGLE hot guy. My gosh!

The point is, WE KNOW THAT YOU'RE STRAIGHT!

Why this is homophobic:

Is it funny? To an extent, yeah.

Is it offensive? OH YEAH.

The idea of straight men reminding the already straight-accepting world how straight they are, despite minuscule male-to-male affection or compliments, is unbelievably idiotic.

On New Year Eve, I went to Indianapolis to hang out with one of my straight best friends and his family, and, before we left to go to his family's house, he told me that I probably shouldn't mention the fact that I'm gay, because one of his cousins is kind of homophobic. While at first I understood, I later remember getting very upset, while alone, about it. Here I am, a 22-year-old college senior fully open about my sexuality as gay...and yet, I STILL have to "closet myself" around people because of their own bias.

For a gay guy to be very open about his sexuality is seen by some idiots (homophobes) as offensive, morally repugnant, and worthy of unjustified homophobic violence. In other words, it can be DEADLY to be open or even humorous about one's gayness.

YET, a straight man can assert his straightness at ALL times, even in the stupidest situations that totally don't require him to...and this has become a social norm. It's crazy, and insensitive to the struggle of the queer members of the Pro-Gay Team.

Try This, instead:

In the event that a straight guy does or says something that can actually be seen as "gay," don't be a cowardly punk and "reassert your straightness." Be a REAL MAN, and don't give a crap about what OTHER men think of you, as long as you're a good guy.

After reading this article, which of these phrases would you MOST like to eliminate from straight guy vocabulary/conversation?

See results

You Understand, Bro?

While there are gonna be some gay guys, like me, who cringe when they hear crap like that stuff just mentioned, there are going to be some gay guys who may be a little more tolerant than me...might actually say this stuff. I know that I've caught myself saying some of this.

However, a lot of this stuff is pretty sketch to say on its own anyway. If it's not a guy like me who will notice and possible judge you for it, it might be a potential lady, who might hear what you say about gay guys and hold that against you.

Gentlemen, the world is changing, which means for you...MEN MUST CHANGE WITH IT. Women have definitely learned how to change with the times, but I believe that men, especially straight men, are way behind. Step up, men. Gotta be better. Your future children are depending on it.

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    • profile image

      TheCloud 2 years ago

      Well, yeah, as a whole, homosexual relationships don't need the masculine-feminine dynamic that characterizes heterosexual relationships because we are talking about people of the same sex attracted to the same characteristics (masculinity), however, some gay guys try to replicate this masculine-feminine dynamic. This is one of the reasons that explains effeminacy in some gay guys.

      Growing up in heterosexist societies as a homosexual guy you grow up seeing this masculine-feminine dynamic, so eventually some gay guys grow up assuming that the only way in which they can attract other men is by behaving like women do (femininity).

      Gay guys, as a whole, are not attracted to femininity which also explains why it is harder for the effeminate gay guy to find a partner, because they are trying to force heterosexual dynamics onto homosexual relationships where masculinity is the object of desire; not femininity.

    • profile image

      Charles 2 years ago

      "loud, effeminate, queeny, bitchy, superficial, egotistical, sex-obsessed gays"

      Hmmm I wonder why no one likes fem gay guys? Because they're obnoxious. All their defining traits from "bitchy to egotistical to loud" are annoying.

    • itsallrelative profile image

      itsallrelative 2 years ago from Outside Dallas

      A very interesting post. I do agree that most of these things are said in ignorance. I also think that it is an ignorance born of a lack of interaction. Straights not being around gays, will not have learned what is and is not appropriate. I would be surprised if many of the thoughtless things said above would continue to be said by straight folks if they spent time around gays. When we are six we don't know not to say outloud how big that lady's nose is - but with time we learn acceptable behavior for our particular environment. Maybe your hub wiill shorten the learning curve for some. That would be great. As a MWM, and semi-hip old dude, I would like to think that I do not make such statements. But I have to admit I do say "that is so gay" on a regular basis - but I do usually follow it up with the statement, "and I don't mean in the good way..." Thanks for the great hub.

    • profile image

      millz 2 years ago

      Wheres the list for the 900 homophobic things gay men say too much

    • profile image

      Light 3 years ago

      "Moron" is an ableist slur. I think you have no right to complain about homophobia if you use an ableist term.

      Unlike me, who AM gay, but I support both the rights of gays and the rights of disabled people.

    • jonnycomelately profile image

      Alan 3 years ago from Tasmania

      It is all founded in ignorance, Charles. It seems like ignorance will not away in the near future, possibly never.

    • profile image

      charles 3 years ago

      As a gay man I hate "flaming gay guys" because they are, as you said " loud, effeminate, queeny, bitchy, superficial, egotistical, sex-obsessed gays".

      Notice how NONE of those traits are positive in any way, shape or form. That's why no one likes them. Its also those gays that have slowed down gays gaining their rights. People see the flaming homos and think all of us are shallow, immature, freaks.

      They are terribly annoying and I would be happy to see them gone.

    • jlpark profile image

      Jacqui 3 years ago from New Zealand

      John Doe - and that means what? is it your opinion also? Or are you just bringing to our attention? Elaborate

    • profile image

      John doe 3 years ago

    • jonnycomelately profile image

      Alan 3 years ago from Tasmania

      "I am gay and I have always found feminine guys annoying." Me too.

      But they have a right to express themselves despite my objections.

      "Seriously stop acting like a teenage girl, toughen up."

      I feel this too. But I also get very annoyed with "teenaged girls."

      We will never stop some guys from behaving effeminate, nor teenaged girls from being annoying. We will just have to live with it and deal with the annoyance which is within us. IMHO

    • profile image

      mike 3 years ago

      I am gay and I have always found feminine guys annoying. Seriously stop acting like a teenage girl, toughen up.

    • Aldric Tinker profile image

      Aldric Tinker 3 years ago from Malaysia

      Hi Anthony!

      Congratulations on an article well written and articulated. It puts seemingly innocent and common phrases under the microscope. At the same time, you do not accuse the users of being uber-homophobic.

      The "What you said", "What you meant", & "What is heard" stood out for me. I am guilty of skipping many paragraphs, but this helps me sum the section up. That is why I wrote "seemingly innocent". It can easily be misconstrued by the listened - and other people.

      Coming from Malaysia, we lack the "diversity in vocabulary" for LGBT. You are either straight or 'pondan' (effemate/transgender). Note that you never want to use that P-word when talking to a transgender! She'd feed you a knuckle sandwich!

      Coming back: homophobic statement #6 seems to rear its ugly head here as well. And the P-word is similar to #2, to a degree.

      At the end of the day, letting some things slide is alright. But too many will cause an avalanche. Yet the worse part is when the seemingly innocent words creates collateral damage mentally and emotionally to others.

      Thanks for the article!

    • Everyday Miracles profile image

      Becki Rizzuti 4 years ago from Indiana, USA

      As a closeted pansexual who has been immersed in homosexual culture for all of my adulthood, I've heard pretty much everything that there is to hear. Oddly enough, the expression "that's gay" was foreign to me until pointed out by a lesbian friend. I'd never heard it used until that point, and then I heard it *everywhere*.

      The main problem that I've noticed is that people have misconceptions about what it means to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, asexual (you name it). A lot of people don't even know what "pansexual" means (that the gender of the individual is irrelevant and that the person him or herself is more important than his or her genitals).

      It's always going to be a fight, and I do believe that people have to choose whether or not they're going to be offended by certain things being said. Most of the time it's meant innocently enough and we (the members of the LGBT community) need to make the decision of whether or not it's worth it to be offended by the mistakes that non-allies make.

      For what it's worth, this is the first time I've mentioned being non-straight on Hubpages, unless I'm mistaken.

    • acdashford profile image
      Author

      Anthony Ashford 4 years ago from Fort Wayne, IN

      Thanks for the comment. I'm very new here and I appreciate this.

      This was just something on my mind that I thought I'd get off my chest. Thanks.

    • acdashford profile image
      Author

      Anthony Ashford 4 years ago from Fort Wayne, IN

      That's most definitely an idea for a hub I might do in the future. I'd have to talk to some lesbians who'd be willing to telling about silly things that men or women, gay or straight or bi or anything say. But great idea.

    • acdashford profile image
      Author

      Anthony Ashford 4 years ago from Fort Wayne, IN

      Thank you so much, I'm glad that my work is getting out to the masses in what ever way possible. Thank you.

    • RavenBiker profile image

      RavenBiker 4 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA.

      Nice Hub! "Magic Mike?" try "Brokeback Mountain!"

      "That's gay?" Okey Dokey....mean what you really wanna say...or is your vocabulary so small, you need to resort to Shithead things to say?

      And my all time favorite from personal ads by gay men---"Straight Acting." These two words spoken by gay men is very well loaded with hatred. SO much, I don't want to get into it here....

      Upon first meeting, everyone knows my partner is gay. I'm less obvious. My partner swings a hammer a lot better than I do. He took over from me when our car received a flat tire. My best friend once admitted that the choice in my partner was a "surprise" to him. "I expected you to pick someone more Straight Acting..." Ouch!

    • jlpark profile image

      Jacqui 4 years ago from New Zealand

      Thank you for this hub, from a gay woman. Many of these things can be adjusted slightly to cover what should not be said to a lesbian either.

      Jonny - Thank you for your response to ib radmasters - you said it in a much nicer way than I was about to manage!

    • jonnycomelately profile image

      Alan 4 years ago from Tasmania

      ib radmasters, you might like to refer back to one of your hubs about Facts and Opinions.

      What you have written above is an .......opinion! Just like my post above....another opinion. Each of us is entitled to an opinion.

      One Fact you have not realised: There is no such thing as a "gay lifestyle." Period. If you disagree, can you please describe to us what "a heterosexual lifestyle" is like?

      Fact no. 2 - "Homophobic" is an adverb, describing a way of thinking or acting. "Homophobia" is an attitude. A fear (phobia). It's born of ignorance and prejudice.

      If you desire to rid yourself of ignorance and prejudice in this matter, would you like to enter a respectful and intelligent discussion here in this Hub? The real purpose of human life is to learn and gain awareness through experience.

    • jonnycomelately profile image

      Alan 4 years ago from Tasmania

      Absolutely Brilliant Hub, Anthony...... and I have only read half-way through, so far. Thank you for putting so much hard work into it, especially from your own perspective.

      I am planning to send a link to this for guys in my men's groups here in Australia. These groups are a healthy mix of men, some hetero-, some homo-, but all trying to address men's issues regardless. There will be many who will support your hub and enjoy the read.