ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Emily talks from her heart

Updated on November 28, 2013

Emily

Emily with some of her high school friends who helped cheer me up!
Emily with some of her high school friends who helped cheer me up!
Emily sporting her new look!
Emily sporting her new look!
Emily smiling!
Emily smiling!
Emily is so cute!
Emily is so cute!
Emily
Emily
Emily
Emily
Matty and dad (Pre-Emily)
Matty and dad (Pre-Emily)
"Little Eddie" at 4 when she knew she was a "girl"
"Little Eddie" at 4 when she knew she was a "girl"

Emily expresses her feelings and emotions of Life

I have done everything asked of me and tried to live within the confines of my personal entrapment as a boy when deep down in my heart I identified as a girl. I listened to my parents, my teachers and my little circle of friends. I existed in my life and did all the right things but if you asked me to describe my feelings at that time it would be one of great pain and frustration so I always had to pretend and try to accept my lot in life. As the years passed I continued on as Ed, a nice guy but so painfully shy and knowing deep down he was really a "she" and had to keep it her life long secret. I remember the ages I was when I was desperate to star transition. I identified as a "girl" since the age of 4 and at 16 I wanted to avoid puberty and start transitioning to become a girl. I had no one to confide in and I was tortured as I felt I could not speak to my family so I had to just deal with it on my terms. I was so alone. My parents also struggled with depression and that was one of the main reasons I could not speak about it.

Once my mom passed at the young age of 49 just at the cusp of becoming 50 within a few months she simply lost her will to go on as she was confined to a hospital bed. She actually was non cooperative with the staff and kept pulling her feeding tubes out eventually starving herself to death. It was a very painful time for us and especially for my dad.

When I was in my early 30's having been laid off I went to a transgender identity clinic where I wanted to learn about the process of transitioning and was ready to start but I was living at home with my dad and I knew I couldn't go through with it. I had to put on my brave face and just try my best to live my whole life as a guy betraying the feelings and promises I made to the "little girl" pleading to be set free. I truly felt for her but there was nothing I could do but quietly absorb the continuing heartbreak and isolation caused by my being male to female transgender.

I started going for therapy in my mid 30's finally after trying to deal with this by myself. I discussed my needs to transition and needed to go about it the right way but I was concerned for my dad and how he would be affected so I put the idea on the back burner as I always have never confronting my feelings. In essence I ran from then and never truly addressed them and my therapist decided to see if I would be interested in meeting a girl, young, beautiful and very shy. I was very nervous at first but when I was given her phone number I called her and we scheduled a date. When I first met her I was in love as she was so beautiful and sweet. It was my first experience with a girl and I en joyed her company, We dated for several months, seeing movie, music concerts and eating out. I was happy but I did not discuss my transgender identity and was afraid if I did she wouldn't want to stay with me. In reality I could not tell anyone but my therapist. I was very happy but also conflicted.

We met in September 2007 and were married in September 2008 and in December 2008 became the proud parents of a baby boy which I credit to my wife for all her courage and the tremendous amount of pain she endured,

Our heartbreak was discovering our son was autistic and had no control over his action which worsened as he got older. We are trying desperately to have him place in a residential school as we speak.

There were two tragedies that occurred to propel myself towards male to female once I started seeing a new therapist. I was struggling with the need to come out in the wake of my dad's suicide on April 16, 2009 and my best friend who was there for me to help me cope passed away at age 40 two years later leaving behind a wife and baby girl. After many visits I reached a difficult decision which was hard to come to grips with because I have a wife and teenage son but my happiness and emotional well being was at stake.

I had many long conversation with my wife and son and I literally came out to others through Facebook and my two blogs. I really had no choice.

I am now out of work on medical disability and working with my wife to help him get situated in a residential school because that seem the only other option left on the table and we must act on it and take full advantage if we are going to survive as a family with no tragedies.

I pray for my wife and son who need the love and support to get through these difficult matters and poor economy.

God Bless all those close to me.

Love,

Emily


Emily speaks from her heart

Cassadee Pope and Hey Monday

Cassadee Pope

Cassadee Pope
Cassadee Pope

Emily upbeat on Youtube (Better quality)

Emily speaks about life

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, hubpages.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://hubpages.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)