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Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

Updated on September 14, 2013
It could happen to anyone
It could happen to anyone
Look around you it happens more than you think
Look around you it happens more than you think

When The Wrong One Loves You

Welcome Readers! This article is about emotional abuse. It is very often hard to detect emotional abuse. I personally feel emotional abuse is almost more damaging then physical abuse. Almost. With that being said lets go back a few steps before we rush into it. A lot of times when we fall in love we put up with a whole lot of crap from the other person in good faith they might see the error of their ways. It doesn't always start out abusive. I mean no one really can be certain but from most case reports I read in my behavior book and from friends I KNOW personally it usually doesn't start out that way. The beginning is usually the only good part of the story. So lets start at the beginning. Your heart is racing, your smiling a lot, you feel so blessed to have someone who understands you, and you feel like this is where you want to be forever. You start dating, the person plays the wonderful charming partner. Now lets pause for a second right here. Emotional abuse can and does happen to men more than it does to women (yes hard to believe but that is what the reports say and they are conclusive). It just is NOT as server for men. The reports say that men in emotionally abusive relationships usually cope with the behavior a lot better than women and are 10 times more likely to move on after and marry (well naturally men have what I like to call tougher skin then women so to speak). It's not that they are not effected by this kind of behavior in women and its not that they don't get wounded from it. It's just they are more likely to break the cycle of dating women like that, than women are (this was even conclusive when those men didn't receive therapy directly after or during the relationship). So lets go back to you just started dating. You feel the sparks and your in this stage where your untouchable. You fall head over heels in love with this person. Then you have your very first argument (that goes really bad anyway). Now here we begin the story of emotional abuse.

When It Just Isn't Right

So the argument starts over something in retrospect not so big. Lets just use the example that you promised to meet your partner for dinner but your boss asked you to stay late with the promise of giving you extra hours at work for the rest of the week (which you desperately needed and have been crossing your fingers for weeks). So you accept forgetting all about the dinner date with your partner in your excitement. So when you get home tired you see your partner called you at least 5 times. You instantly remember about your plans with them and feel awful that you had to turn your cell off to save the battery. So then you call them and they say they really want to talk about in person. So your partner comes over. Instantly the drilling questions begin as to what happened. You explain and say your sorry. The person says "You know what you really don't seem to care enough about me. If work is more important than me than just let me know right now and we can end this." You try to explain that it wasn't like that but the person seems to get even more angry. With clenched teeth they say "How can you be stupid enough to take on more hours without even thinking about us? If your really that stupid than don't ask me to spend more time with you because I'm not going to listen to you talking on and on like a retard. When I tried to spend time with you." Lets pause right here. Now sometimes the mind will make excuses for this kind of behavior. Like for example the person does have a right to be mad but might be overreacting. That's okay because it was technically my fault anyway. WRONG!!! This is the nature of emotional abusive. Notice how the abuser used guilt to control the situation. Then topped it off with words like stupid, retard, selfish, just to attack your character and lower your self esteem. They know exactly what they are doing. It is not an accident or slip of words. They are purposely trying to use your emotions to control your behavior to center around what they want. Now lets go back to the story. The person says they will not take the extra hours and will tell their boss that they have a family issue that prevents them from taking the hours. The abuser anger now seems to subside a bit. They say "You know what do what you want. If you want to spend time with me, call me after you get out of work and i will pick you up." The person agrees. The abuser goes back to being charming. Makes a graceful exit (probably want to have sex with you to be more in detail). This is the process. Once the abuser see's that your not going to stand up to their bullying but in fact reward there behavior by giving them exactly what THEY wanted they will repeat the process. Arguments come more and more. Until you decided to quit your job because it is causing you to much "problems" in your relationship. Then you decide it will be cheaper if you moved in together (which seemed like a glorious thing to do at the time because since you left your job things are going well). Lets pause again. This control method has worked on you to the fullest extent. The abuser is much like a school yard bully. They will keep pushing you until they have everything they want from you. Then they will show you a bit of kindness. They use words like "you make so mad because you just so stupid. I've told you that this makes me upset." Its much like treating you like a child. The attacks just keep coming lowering all your confidence.

Will you speak out?
Will you speak out?

Sexual Abuse

Emotional abuse and sexual abuse go hand and hand. Once they have access to you 24/7 they will more and more ask for sex from you. When you say your tired or don't feel well they will emotionally attack you until you just do it to shut them up. It becomes more than twice a day. You completely almost dread going into the bedroom. Or the bathroom. Or where ever it happens the most. Even if your asleep they wake you up and you feel obligated to give them their request for sex because if you say no. They will "pout" or "fly off the handle" or "leave for hours without calling." These are all apart of the abuse process. Some people will say in their defense they never hit them so it can't be abuse. Just because they haven't hit you doesn't mean its not abuse. If they are forcing you to respond on command to them because you're afraid of their behavior then its abuse. Simple. A lot people don't realize the sexual abuse. They think its okay they want it so much because they are with them and they could go somewhere else. Think to yourself for a second. If you had an ATM in your house would you still walk or drive to the bank? Noway. Having you available to have sex with them whenever they want is like having an ATM in their house so obviously they wouldn't go looking else where. Why go through all the trouble? This is abuse. I want you to be aware just because they are not holding a knife to your throat doesn't mean they are not sexually abusing you. Which is RAPE. If your being emotionally forced to have sex with them everyday regardless if you want it or not then it is sexual abuse.

Don't be afraid to get help!
Don't be afraid to get help!

In closing

There is a lot more elements to emotional abuse. I am just giving an overview here. If you're in a relationship that relates to this article in anyway I suggest you leave immediately. I don't fault people for being in relationships like these. A lot (almost all) don't realize they are being a victim of this kind of abuse. So in retrospect i don't blame the person for not knowing. It can happen to anyone really. Although once you realize and educate yourself on this you will be able to identify this kind of abuse and know when to walk away before it gets really bad. Relationships are not supposed to be one sided. Or lower your confidence. When you're in a relationship its suppose to be about compremise. It's about respect. It's about trust. The person your with should always bring out your BEST qualities (most of the time). Now lets not get the wrong idea here. Relationships are not perfect. Their is not always a fairy tale with a happy ending. Sometimes things just go straight to the crap shoot. Although, abusive relationships leave scars on you for a VERY long time. You CAN'T deal with this alone. This will only make you feel more alone and isolated. You need to leave and get help. Your not a nut and shouldn't feel bad for doing so. You need to rebuild your mind correctly so you can come out better than before and not worse. That is the point of therapy. Just remember it is YOUR choice to be a victim forever or take control and be above it. I honestly feel sorry for the people who will say its not so bad. That they honestly love them. Trust me, if you honestly think that is the BEST LOVE has to offer than you are fooling yourself. Thanks for reading and i hope you found this article helpful and informative. If you like to leave comments at the bottom of the page you can do so if you wish. Overall i hope you enjoyed reading it. Until next time readers...Take Care of yourselves! :)


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    • Mistressoflove profile imageAUTHOR


      6 years ago from Rhode Island

      im sorry to hear that but hopefully you will take it as a learning experience and do way better next time. thank you for being brave enough to commit on the hub. :)

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      what i just read is true im just getting out of an emotional relationship it started out me stop going two school ended with me not able two leave the house without permission


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