Divorced After 31 Years of Marriage
Alone In Your Own Tunnel
It Was Weird At First
From the age of 15 years old, the man that would become my husband until I was 45 years old, was the only one I ever knew in my life. From the intimate side to the aggressive behaviors. It took the fifth time to finally break the chains to where I could get out of the relationship I did not want to be in. I can not ever recall a day where I did not say "I want a divorce." Yet despite wanting out, after all that time with one person, it was extremely weird. I felt as if I was in a tunnel. The light at the end was barely noticeable. Things were changing.
There was no one in the bed with me anymore.
No one to clean up after or cook for anymore.
It was quiet around the clock with no tv blaring over me.
No one was around to be mad at me anymore.
I learn after leaving, how I had been sculpted to be co-dependent upon my now ex-husband. He did all the thinking, decision making, and dictated all other parts of my life including isolating me.
Being gone was blissful. Doing it on my own was terrifying. Never in all my years had I ever been left to myself with no one to check in with forty times a day. It was the most bizarre feeling.
I Am Not Alone
There are many women like me (and I am sure men, as well) who left their misbehavior marriage (that's putting it nicely) only to find they do not know how to survive. Then they return to the home they want no part of. As far as me, I did not care what it took. Going back was not an option. Sadly, I had to hide in the woods for a few months to be left alone. In doing so, attention was placed upon another (although it was still on me, too) and that helped lessen my worries by about twenty percent.
Abuse Is Real
You do NOT have to have bruises for abuse to be abuse. Being shoved once, or called a name, is absolutely abuse. It's what I call mental anguish. It is the kind that belittles and makes you have self-doubt. It was the very reason being on my own was hard. Making a decision took every ounce of strength in me. Most of the time I relied on someone I could trust to help me.
It was hard being in the marriage. It was also hard the first year I was out. It felt oddly strange.
Abuse That Does Not Leave Bruises
* Threats *
* Financial Threats *
* Intimidation *
* Isolation *
* Blaming Game *
* Using Children Against You *
* Male vs Female Roles *
Would I Return?
Not if my rear end was on fire. Not if it meant saving someone's life. No. No. No. I would not return to the marriage. Yes, there are days when I miss the comfortable feel of knowing someone for so long. But it ends there. What we both endured and put up with is too much to rehash. It is not worth the time or energy flow. What is, is recognizing where I was, to where everything is located now.
Having been isolated for the entire marriage, it was extremely difficult being on my own around people. There was even a time when I had gone from hiding in the woods to an apartment duplex, that going out for a walk around the block felt as if someone was watching me. Waiting to pounce on my self-decision making. So no. I would not go back. No memory is worth having to relive how to live and function on my own.
Not Badgering Anyone
Thought long and hard before writing about how it feels to be out of a relationship. I mean, there are grown children involved who still do not see me as often as they use to before I left their father. There is no going hard on anyone in this write-up. I am merely here to let other people who have finally found the courage to get out, ,with no chance of return, exactly how different it will be. To expect nothing less.
Testing Life's Water
It is beautiful. To be on my own. To not have someone be over me. Freedom is liberating. Everyday life's waters are tested. Sometimes I sink. Others I float. The one thing that remains consistent is one simple fact: I am free. And I am happy.