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- Separation & Divorce
Ex-husbands Can Be Hell
The End was Only the Beginning...
I am a nice person. I smile a lot. I am a do-gooder. I say hello to everyone that I see. I listen to people, even complete strangers, lament about their problems and shake my head in agreement. I cannot however, stand to see or associate with my ex. I have tried so many times in the past to be compliant and civil. I love my children more than anyone and anything on this Earth. Therefore, wanting to be a good role model, I put on the plastic smile when he approaches my door to pick the kids up. I wave the Beauty Queen phony wave of my hand and give the movie star smile and yell out, "Have fun with your dad. Enjoy your weekend." Then, I want to wretch for five minutes as I try to dispel the sight of him from my short term memory.
I had to have loved him once, you must be thinking. I thought I did. The best thing however that came out of my marriage were my son and my daughter. I met my ex through one of my best male friends. They had roomed in college. I detested him when I first met him. He was negative and creepy. When my buddy got married a year later, I was seated at the same table as my ex and was feeling vulnerable as I had broken off a five year relationship with a cheating boyfriend. My ex was a gentleman and humorous and made me laugh. I decided that perhaps, he wasn't all that bad. We dated shortly after my friend's wedding and we fought a considerable amount of the time we spent together. When we decided to move in together, we still fought a lot. However, both of us being raised in small towns and sheltered families, I believe that we both felt that our world extended simply beyond the 30 mile radius around us. We settled for each other and I do believe that we both earnestly tried to love each other.
It was like oil and water. Me, the rainbow girl who saw every facet of a situation and tried to make everything work out. He, the black and white is all there is kind of guy who believed yes or no was the answer to every question. When we built a house together, we argued more than a couple should. When we moved into it, it would have been a wiser move to end the marriage and sell the house. We stuck it out, I suppose feeling as if we had to do so for the sake of our families and to save face. We never shared a bedroom during our marriage. My children were conceived, yes; but with great effort and forced relations to simply have a child.
Why, you may wonder did we continue in such a destructive relationship? Fear. Embarrassment of failure. Pride. We chose to bring children into the world and we felt a commitment to them to try to make it work.
I began to change after my daughter was born. He made it clear to me that he hadn't loved me in years, was repulsed by me and would never touch me again. However, we should stay married for the sake of the kids. I was cook, cleaner, washer, driver, tractor rider and mower. Who wouldn't want to stay married to me? I was also the provider of insurance, although we made a comparable income. It hit me that I had a very long time until my daughter would reach the age of 18. I didn't want to begin my life again in my 60's, nor did I want my children to grow up in a stress filled home, with fighting and never seeing two adults work out an argument, kiss, hug, sleep in the same room or show affection toward each other.
I chose to leave for my children. I know he believes it was for myself. I knew however, that if my children saw me happy and living a life without fighting and stress, then they would realize that a marriage and a relationship wasn't the representation that they had witnessed during their few years in this world. That was most important to me.
I remember clearly his words the day of the divorce; "I will make you pay the rest of your life for making me start my life over". He has been true to his word. I honestly wanted to have one of those relationships with my ex where he could come over for coffee, discuss the welfare of the kids and be able to confer with him about the decisions needed to be made concerning the children. I guess I had my head in the clouds. If we could never discuss things during our entire marriage, I don't know why I felt things would change after the divorce.
I hope that my children realize that their parents love them. They certainly know that their father hates their mother which is so sad. It will certainly determine choices of partners for their future and I pray that they don't seek relationships that mirror the one they saw with their father and I. I have had a healthy and loving relationship with a man for a while now and that makes my ex want to explode. My children respect and love this man and my hope is that they will see through the modeling of my present relationship that two people can talk things through, share affection and live peacefully together without fighting all the time.
No one gets married thinking that they will get divorced at a later date. We both gave it all we had but our marriage was doomed from the beginning. How sad for my kids that the relationship they see between their parents is also doomed to the end