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He Says Falling in Love Was Easy, But Staying in Love Is Hard,

Updated on October 22, 2011

For Veronica

Falling in love was easy...Perhaps you could do a hub on..."Staying In Love"

As the relationship continues I have found that it is harder to keep that love alive. I have been told by some that love changes as the relationship matures. I would really like to know you view.

Intellifax

Dear Intellifax,

It’s interesting that you say falling in love is easy.

Finding the person you can go the distance with isn’t so easy. Maybe one of the reasons you find it hard to keep that love alive is because you aren’t choosing the right partner.

The truth is you can’t stay “in love” with the wrong person no matter what you do. And you can’t stay in a relationship when you aren’t ready to be in one. There are many factors that could lend toward your being unable to “keep that love alive.”

There are many ways we self-sabotage. Sometimes it works like a troubleshooting mechanism. It’s possible you aren’t ready to experience mature full-on-commitment love.

Maybe you’re attracted to the ones that can’t keep your attention and affection for the long haul because on some level that’s what you’re putting out there. You’re getting involved with the temporaries because that’s what you’re able to handle right now. Maybe you’re getting what you want.

The odd thing about your subconscious troubleshooting like this, is that you can see the habits you repeat, you can see the things you do that don’t work, yet you don’t see why, so you keep repeating, over and over.

Maybe you are ready for a real relationship but you’re scared. Fear of getting hurt or rejected can be highly motivating. Maybe you’re finding yourself in these “easy-in, no staying power” loves because they are less scary than the ones that would really hurt if they failed.

What we seek has a way of finding us.

Some people meet the love of their life early on and grow with them. Some people know exactly what they want and how to find it. But many of us go through varying stages of growth regarding relationships. We experience it all: being ready to play and have fun and not take anything too seriously. Being ready for a little more, being too scared to trust or invest the time into getting to know someone that makes us work for it. Coming to terms with our own mistakes and patterns. Deciding to break those habits, to get something better.

People have asked me for advice on many different aspects of relationships. Keeping the romance alive, how to fight fairly, how to share, how to communicate, how to respect your partner’s privacy, how to recognize the warning signs of different problems, advice on intimacy, advice on sex. These are all skills you work on depending upon your relationship. Being in love isn’t a skill. It’s the feeling you have, that makes you want to work on the skills you need to build a relationship.

I think real solid long-lasting loves go through periods of doubt: The Seven Year Itch, The Empty Nest. I think life presents challenges that make you re-evaluate yourself, your definitions, and your relationships. In part, this is what you’re mentioning in your question regarding love changing over time. It does change. It can begin volatile and exciting, it can grow bigger and more encompassing, it can become comfortable and safe. And it can go through stages of strain.

I know this sounds cliché but I really think this is the truth: If you’re having a hard time keeping love alive it’s probably not real love.

If this sounds possible for you, you may want to re-evaluate several different things here, You may feel kike you want to be in a long term relationship, but wanting one and being ready for one are two different things.  A friend of mine many years ago once said to me, “Share my life? I don’t even know that I can share my bathroom!” Relationships often involve real work and compromise. You may be in a more self-actualizing independent self-discovery stage right now.

And that’s great if you are, it’s healthy and normal.  But it may not be time to be a partner just yet.

Another thing you may want to re-evaluate are the choices in partners that you’ve been making. These “easy in lover” –ers that couldn’t hold onto your heart. What did they have in common? In retrospect, what can you learn from those relationships? My last bit of thought here is simply this:  Don’t rush it. When it’s right, sure there’s things you might have to work on to make it last. Feeling in love isn’t one of them.

This hub

was written by Veronica for Hubpages.  If you're reading it elsewhere, it has been stolen. 

All text is original content by Veronica.  All photos are used with permission. All videos are courtesy pf youtube.com.

Send me your relationship questions, I'd be glad to help.  Thanks!

I'm Not In Love

Comments

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  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Intellifax,

    thanks so much! I really appreciate your comment. I really try to be as personal in the answer as the person has been in their specific question. Everyone is so different. There are across-the-board ideas and advice, but it still needs to be tailored to their specific situation to really work.

    xo

  • profile image

    intellifax 

    8 years ago

    Nice answer. Very true...but sometimes we don't want to hear the truth.

    Really like the way you've answered in a very personal way...WELL DONE...Veronica!

    Intellifax

  • Veronica profile imageAUTHOR

    Veronica 

    8 years ago from NY

    Thanks so much, Gerg. You summed it so well - love sustains, infatuation happens easily, but doesn't sustain.

    xo

  • Gerg profile image

    Gerg 

    8 years ago from California

    You're so insightful and talented, Veronica - you have a great sense of perspective. I was thinking of a similar answer, but you do it so eloquently. I find the opposite of the writer's statement to be more true - love sustains. Infatuation happens easily, but doesn't sustain.

    Oh, and don't agree with RDB above that love dilutes - your time and attention may dilute, but not your love!

    Best,

    ~ G

  • Run Down Battery profile image

    Run Down Battery 

    8 years ago from UK

    It occurs to me that it’s no wonder the initial all-consuming intensity of ‘falling in love’ can rarely be sustained. If there was no other focus how could we carry on with our lives? How could we deny the love for children, music, art and the myriad of alternative opportunities just waiting to be loved? There just isn’t enough to go around. Our love, by necessity, is diluted. Or, alternatively, if we focus all our love in one direction, for example, job, career, God, religion, spirituality, whatever, then everything and everyone else must be sacrificed for that singular love. Whichever path we choose, is our journey compromised by a nagging sense of neglect?

working

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