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Fear and Loathing on February Thirteenth

Updated on February 12, 2009

Yes, you did it again. The day before Valentine's Day, and you did not get your wife a Valentine. What is the matter with you? Don't you love her? Don't you ever think of her? Shame on you, you hearless, selfish, thoughtless bastard! Shame, shame, shame. She is going to keeel you.

Well, bucko, you can either call up the dog and let him know you'll be moving in with him for an indefinite period of time, or you can face the music, jam yourself into that crowd in the Hallmark aisle to try to get something decent that happened to be passed over by those sensitive and caring enough to have planned in advance (unlike you), or make your own Valentine. But you better do something, bucko, if you know what's good for you.

Making the Best of a Bad Valentine

White-out correction fluid is a wonderful thing, and usually available at the same pharmacy/everything store where you purchase the bad Valentine. You purchase the bad Valentine because it is the best choice left in a field of bad choices. Avoiding the one with the picture of the old wrinkled lady and the one with the Chippendales (who wants that kind of competition?), you choose one that has a mint green heart that looks like one of those miniature candy hearts that are all over the place at this time, with the insipidly ubiquitous message on it, "Be Mine." Okay, that's all right, but inside it says, "Greeting to my Good Friend on Valentine's Day." Well, that's no good. "Greetings?" "Good friend?" Why don't you skip the card and go right to divorce court?

But all is not lost. If the message is short enough, you can use correction fluid. If not, you can buy a piece of construction paper, scissors, a pen and some Elmer's Glue at the same what-not shop. Glue a piece of construction paper over the stupid message and put your own message there.

The idea is to fool her into thinking you actually thought about this Valentine, so write something thoughtful. "Be mine - TONIGHT, BABY!" might be okay.

Make Your Own Valentine

If all the leftover Valentine choices are absolutely hideous, you could make your own. If you're lucky, the so-called pharmacy may have a paper doiley. That, some glue, a pen, a pair of scissors and some red construction paper and you're all set to make your love a valentine fit for any five-year-old. With any luck she'll think it's cute.

Be sure to write something suffiiciently gushy inside. It's got to come off like you planned this all along, not like you just thought of it yesterday.

So good luck, buckaroo. Next year, maybe you can input an Outlook reminder for yourself or something. In the mean time, if all your last minute efforts prove unacceptable in the end, please say "hi" to Fido for me.

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    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      Good for you, wood. Say 'hi' to Fido for me.

    • profile image

      wood95 9 years ago

      Tom, your post is mildly amusing, but the very concept of Feb. 14th is ill conceived. A man continually shows his woman that he loves her, and I have no respect for a woman who would be placated by such a phony display of conformity.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      Please, G-Ma! You're diminishing my reign of terror LOL

      Happy Valentine's Day!

    • G-Ma Johnson profile image

      Merle Ann Johnson 9 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

      Oh give me a break..excuses excuses!!! golden toad and the rest of you...for heaven's sake go pick a flower...any flower from your yard or the neighbors...hide behind your back and ask her to pick a hand...which ever one she picks the flower is there...we woman are so easy to please...you know your gal so just have something behind your back..a condom?? to be funny...a candybar...???whatever I don't want to hear excuses anymore...you love her so in your own small way show her..she will be delighted...HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY ALL  G-Ma :O) Hugs & Kisses & Peace

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      Thanks, Fishskinfreak. It is a great honor that you think so. I should use spell check more, tho!

    • fishskinfreak2008 profile image

      fishskinfreak2008 9 years ago from Fremont CA

      Your way of writing is very interesting. Thumbs up

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      They don't know, but the Valentine's Day Massacre happens every year!

    • goldentoad profile image

      goldentoad 9 years ago from Free and running....

      Tom- I'm screwed. If you never hear from me past the 14th, you know what happened.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      Exactly! What is up with this "Saint" Valentine's Day thing, anyway?

    • TheRealTruth profile image

      TheRealTruth 9 years ago from Virginia

      its such adevil holiday though! even still i participate.

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      That's just not right. Tell him to hop a ride on the snow plow. Still, if he doesn't make it, I guess he's off the hook for the whole Valentine's Day greeting card thing...

    • bevy400 profile image

      bev 9 years ago from scarborough

      I hope you have agreat valentine night...lOOKS LIKE MINE MIGHT BE OFF.....bloomin snow has landed like an unwanted alien from outer space.......my guy lives an hour away from me so looks like its a candle lit dinner for one unless any one has a strong hairdryer i can borrow to melt the snow lol.....

    • Tom Rubenoff profile image
      Author

      Tom Rubenoff 9 years ago from United States

      Oh, you can bet I already have my card! Thanks, Amanda!

    • Amanda Severn profile image

      Amanda Severn 9 years ago from UK

      For the first fifteen or so years that my husband and I were together Valentine's Day came and went untroubled by a visit from the postie, then suddenly about three years ago all that changed. Why that should be is a total mystery to me. I'm so used to bah, humbug that the sudden arrival of cards and flowers still takes me by surprise! Have fun on Valentine's Day Tom, and don't forget your card!

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