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What I feel.

Updated on November 27, 2013

No bullshit. Nothing else matters now, but what I feel for her. I don't need to feel wanted, I don't want to be comforted, I don't need anything. All I want to do is just feel again.


I say that third time's the charm, I tried, I tried, but nothing happened. Not that I pray that something would happen, not that I want anything to happen. I just wish, I just hope, that she would just give me a reason, give me what I wanted. No, not love, I don't want that, not for her to tell me "I like you" or "I want to be with you" None of that shit, all I want her to do is just to say "hi" and give that smile, the smile that could open up the heavens and make me the happiest man on earth. It's never that simple though, nothing is, especially when it comes to her.


I didn't tell her I like her, because she deserves someone else better, someone that could make her happy, make her feel better. I don't want to let it slip either, I just want to know her better, nothing more. But probably she doesn't want anything to do with me. But that's okay, it doesn't matter, as long as she's happy and satisfied.


I have no voice to speak to her, I gave nothing, I guess, I wish I did do something for her. I wish that I can give her a song, a car, a gift for her birthday, I wish that I can give her happiness, I wish that can give her the world, the moon, the galaxy, the universe. I wish I can give her my heart, but that'd be weird and I'll die for no reason. Well, anyways, none of these I own, but I will work for it for her. I would give my lifetime just for her.


Things never go the way we always wanted to, nothing always go the way we plan it to be. I might have not worked hard for her, hell, I know I didn't do enough. The thing is that, I'm done, but I'm not sure if that's true. I always lie to myself, try to move on with another person, I have a lot of choices, different girls who confessed and I know I can still work my way up with a new girl. But I always choose her, I never had any relationships before, but I always think, I always pray, I always wish, that she could be the first and the last, and that I wish that when I'm with her, we both can be happy.


Many things just stop making sense to me. I feel that each day my sanity begins to dissipate with whatever I feel. Each day I feel that there is no longer a reason to feel. She makes me feel that way, but I don't blame her, I choose it to be this way, I choose to be numb for her. I don't want to feel this way for another girl, just for her.


She's not the one for me, that I've heard a lot. Yes, she's not, she's too much for me, she's way up there and I'm all the way down here. Yeah I know that I might have given up, that I just stopped, but I did what I wanted to do, I make myself feel better in those small conversations. Yeah, I also know that I didn't do enough, but give a goddamn time and place, then I swear to God, to my life, that I would do everything.




I promise myself that one day, I would tell her what I feel, in person. And I know I will do that, I will find her if I needed to. When I do that after, I would let her say what she feels, if she tells me that she feels the same way, then good, but if she tells me the truth, and tell me that there is someone already there for her or that she doesn't want me, then I'll just walk away. I'll be happy and satisfied with that. I guess after that I could move on, but after everything that had happened I don't think I can.

I always say to myself that I would give her my life, even though she doesn't know me that much or that she want me. Even though were not together I still would. Its something I know and sure of, I guess I might hurt people like my family and friends, but it doesn't matter to me, I know its selfish for me to do that to them but they don't understand what I feel.


I know she's just a crush and I shouldn't feel like this for her, tell a damn reason though why I shouldn't. There is no reason I should feel like this for her, I've searched and searched I haven't found one. Even though she's just a crush, its something I'm going to keep close in my heart, even though I am nothing to her.


She's a goddess and I'm just a man. A princess and a slave, a beauty and a beast. She doesn't deserve me. But please, God or anyone out there, I just wish for her to be the happiest person in the world, just make her feel love and happiness and the beauty of life. Give her the best of everything, give her a castle in the skies, give her what I can never give her.



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    • Faith Reaper profile image

      Faith Reaper 3 years ago from southern USA

      Wow, Khen (Darksage),

      This is certainly one huge outpouring of your heart here onto this page, for that one who is only just a crush. Your writing is conflicted for it seems you are attempting to convince yourself you are not good enough for this "crush" but you just want to tell her how you feel about her, despite what others are saying to you.

      To me, and I am no professional in such matters of the heart, but it would seem to me if you go ahead and just tell her how you feel, no matter what her response, at least you would know and maybe your torment would end once and for all, and you would be able to move on.

      From your words, you seem very angry at yourself for not telling this one, who seems, in my mind, not to be just a crush, but actually, in your mind possibly your soul mate in this life and you are wrestling with that thought of whether she is unattainable, so why bother. If she is taken or whatever seems to prevent you from telling her in person, a real reason for nothing to ever be possible, then for your own health, you would need to move on, as I am sure with such a heart full of love, there is another one out there you can truly cherish and love in real life and not just in your mind of torment.

      Sorry for rambling on here, and I may be reading too much into this write here, as I do at times. It just seems you are arguing with yourself and making yourself angry with yourself by not taking some sort of action to end such torment by knowing the truth one way or the other.

      Hugs, Faith Reaper

    • Darksage profile image
      Author

      Khen Ramos 3 years ago from Philippines

      Thank you a lot Miss Faith. It really means a lot to me. I liked her for more than 5 years now I think. In those moments I do, it makes me feel happy, but with happiness comes with despair. In the days of those 5 years, I regretted each and every day of it. I regretted that there were actual girls who say I was better off with them than her, but I rejected them and I broke their hearts. It made things much more complicated than ever. I like her, I don't know why I still do, even if she has someone else for her. I just want her to be seen happy, cherishing her life, even I'm not part of hers. We never had anything special together, to begin with. We were not that close, so I have no right to tell her what I feel. It hurts until now, but I've learned to live with it.

      I am a man who never had a relationship before, and somehow with it, I helped more people out, I know my way through words and problems, and I was able to help some of my friends out. There are more people out there who have harder time than me, and I understand that. Right now, I fell in love with something else. I don't really think I moved on because there's not a day that I don't think about her, but as I said, I fell in love with something else. I fell in love with life, the world, the people. All of these things are just so interesting, life gives you literature, the world gives you a home, the people give you a heart, and all of the other things the three give you. I am hurt, no doubt about that, but I've learned to fix myself, because I know that I must for others.

      Thank you once again Miss Faith :)

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