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Feelings Of Guilt

Updated on October 19, 2011

As she poured the coffee into the cup sitting in front of me, I gazed towards the smile on her face. I felt a warmth I have not felt in quite some time. I had to fight down the urge to stand and grab her in a hug. I am addicted to hugs and have not had one in a long time. The battle was difficult, but I controlled my urge and caught the end of her question to me; "Are you alone?" The tears had to show, even if not out of my eyes, I was crying inside. "Yes, my wife died in November." I saw a pain overcome the waitress; a pain for me. She asked me a few more general questions and I her. I felt a desire to ask for more time with her, but away from here. My insides wouldn't allow me to ask that simple question, "Will you go out with me?

I paid the bill and left with smiles and a beautiful, "Come see us again" from this waitress I was having some kind of feelings for.

As I drove, guilt set in. I felt like I was feeling emotions that were wrong. Can a man love two different women? I am not saying I love this waitress all of a sudden, but am I doing wrong in thinking it may be a possibility?

I arrived home and the rest of the day was full of depression. I wanted to know if what I was feeling was ok. I couldn't find an answer. I was in my shed looking through my toolbox and found some pictures I had of Jonda, my beautiful wife who is now in Heaven. I broke down and have wept and wept.

Praying It Through

I had such strong feelings of guilt that I found myself on my knees praying non-stop. I asked forgiveness from both God and Jonda. I felt nothing until this morning.

I awoke this morning with a great desire to go to that restaurant for breakfast. I felt Jonda telling me to go. 

I had those feelings again. The waitress has a smile that just warms me. I also see pains deep inside of her and I believe we could each help the other with those pains.

Is It Right?

Is loving another after the death of your spouse right?

So many people have different opinions; can anyone show me Bible verses that deal with this issue?

I wonder if I can hold, hug and love another, or is the pillow next to me all that I have for the rest of my time on this Earth?

Ok Or Not?

Is it ok to date after the death of a spouse?

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How Long?

If Your Answer Was Yes Above, How Long Should A Widow/Widower Wait Before Dating Again?

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Opinions Do Count!

Believe it or not, I do value all opinions, even if I disagree with them.

I warmly welcome all opinions because, as you can see, I am battling an internal guilt problem.

Jonda will always be in my heart, in my soul and in my very being. We were made for each other. My question is, would God bless me with another to feel a similar love for?

This my friends is my predicament. I pray God's Wisdom and the knowledge to use that Wisdom correctly. In Jesus Name!


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    • profile image

      Mesa Verde Boers 6 years ago


      I can see why Jonda loved you so very much. She would want you to be happy, with or without someone new.

      I believe in my core God has a plan for you, a good plan, and a good purpose. If it is in His plan for you to have a partner, He will guide you. Ruth married Naomi's son, and out of love for him and her mother-in-law, followed Naomi after his death when Naomi returned to her people. There Ruth met and married Boaz. Their son was Obed, King David's grandfather...

      I pray God comforts you with His love and confidence in Him brings you the answer to your question. :)

    • Froggy213 profile image

      Greg Boudonck 7 years ago from Returned to an Isla Del Sol - Puerto Rico Will Rise Strong

      There have been so many caring individuals out there--thank you.

      May God bless all of you

    • LuisEGonzalez profile image

      Luis E Gonzalez 7 years ago from Miami, Florida

      The appropriate amount of time is wholly dependent on you and how you deal with your loss. I am convinced that God will somehow let you know when the right time arrives.

      God bless you and thanks for sharing

    • Micky Dee profile image

      Micky Dee 7 years ago

      No time limit really. It can just be personal out of respect for relatives and friends. But God will guide. God bless.

    • James A Watkins profile image

      James A Watkins 7 years ago from Chicago

      Hey man. I think Jonda wants you to be happy. If you are a widower I see nothing wrong with falling in love again. Man was not meant to be alone. I do understand your quandry. It is noble and honorable of you to feel this way. Go for it. As long as it is not just a rebound thing that might cause her to be hurt.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 7 years ago from Wales

      Hi froggy,

      Don't reprimand yourself because I would say that what you are experiencing is totally normal.

      Whenever I've not been sure which road to take I listen to my inner being and if it feels right then go ahead, if it doesn't then maybe not at the moment.

      I think that I am repeating the advice that rachelrobinson gave you and in my mind she is spot on.

      No one will ever take Jonda's place and you are not being disloyal to her memory at all.

      You are in my thoughts froggy and take care,


    • LoopyGem profile image

      LoopyGem 7 years ago from Canada

      I believe that in death the fact will always remain that to truly love someone would be to want them to be happy....forever....whethor that is with you or not. Your happiness is expected of you BECAUSE your wife loved you....there will never be another one like her...they will be their own person...and that's a good thing. You're not trying to replace her. Allow her to be happy for you if and when you decide to fill this void and you will feel a great weight lifted and know that she is smiling.

    • profile image

      DaVonna 7 years ago

      It is time to live again Froggy, I'm sure Jonda would agree. Jonda will always be your first love no one can ever take that away from you. This will bother your kids probably but they have someone beside them you do not.

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 7 years ago from Minnesota

      Dear Froggy-I believe that Jonda wants you to be Happy and to try your best to get on with life. You have memories and your love for her which will never go away. Don't be so hard on yourself for having feelings for a woman. Jonda's probably whispering in your ear for courage to ask the waitress out, Why? Because Jonda loves you and wants what is best for you. God Bless you and I will pray that you will get clarity on the timing that is right for you.

    • Froggy213 profile image

      Greg Boudonck 7 years ago from Returned to an Isla Del Sol - Puerto Rico Will Rise Strong

      Wow--thank you my friends--ty--I am so moved by the helpful comments

    • DanJ profile image

      DanJ 7 years ago

      Rachel Pretty much said it all. We also need to remember though it's hard. But, our Vows say Till Death Due Us Part.

      Some may not ever re marry. Others may need to.

      I know many that have Re-married and they are Happy. Others did and are not. You may still have a while left on this planet my friend. Be sure to choose wisely and of God's will as you move forward.

      Though I hope I never have to. If I had to do it all over again. I would find a woman that loves God more than I do. If that's even possible. lol

      God bless you bro. You're not in the wrong here. Jonda's Home in Paradise. She'll be there no matter what you decide to do.

    • profile image

      SirDent 7 years ago

      Froggy, the word of God says, "It is not good for man to be alone." You can find it in Genesis. I answered yes it is OK to date after losing a spouse.

      I also clicked other on the time to wait. I have no idea how long a person should wait. I believe it depends on the person really.

    • Sinea Pies profile image

      Sinea Pies 7 years ago from Northeastern United States

      You need to trust the Lord that, when the time is right, you'll know. Waiting periods are nobody's business.

    • Pamela N Red profile image

      Pamela N Red 7 years ago from Oklahoma

      Froggy there is no set amount of time. In the old days there was certain etiquette that was expected and six months to a year was the usual answer.

      Men who had a happy marriage are more apt to look for a new love sooner. It was good, they miss it and want it back.

      Don't feel guilty, it's not wrong to be lonely or to want to be with someone again. You are only human.

    • Froggy213 profile image

      Greg Boudonck 7 years ago from Returned to an Isla Del Sol - Puerto Rico Will Rise Strong

      Thanks Mike and breakfastpop. I do agree Mike, God is not the author of confusion. I do believe Jonda would want happiness to abound and I will think on those thoughts

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 7 years ago

      I am so sorry for your loss. There are no rules when it comes to loss and grieving. You and only you know what you need and I say go towards making yourself feel better.

    • profile image

      mikeq107 7 years ago

      Froggy what you are experianceing is totaly noraml...while I have never been in your shoes, I can not say Iknow how you feel.

      But your are after all a man after Gods heart and God knows whats best for his son....Having gone through divorce which is heart breaking..I had to allow God time to heal me and to allow myself to feel again..those feelings never go away...i can think of many things to say...but instead I,m going to keep my Irish mouth silent :0) and Pray and ask the Holyspirit to open and close the doors he wants you to go through...who are we as mere humans to say whats right or wrong for you...god knows what you need!!!

      so i,m of to fix my van...but I will be asking god in prayer for you!!!

      Love in Jesus

      Mike :0)

      Ps.. I beleive the guilt trip is not from god, just satan messing with your head...God loves realtionships..thats why he gave Eve to adam as a reflection of his love!!!!

    • Froggy213 profile image

      Greg Boudonck 7 years ago from Returned to an Isla Del Sol - Puerto Rico Will Rise Strong

      Thank you Rachel

    • rachellrobinson profile image

      Rachel Woodruff 7 years ago from Southwest Missouri

      I think it is okay to date after the death of a spouse. What is the appropriate amount of time to wait? That isn't a simple question. Everyone is different. Some people would say date right away while others might suggest waiting a few years.

      I guess I would say if it feels right you can ask someone out. If it doesn't feel right, don't try to force yourself to feel right. Listen to that little whisper in your heart that tells you when it's okay to move on. Only you will know when it is right for you, if it is ever right. Some people never move on. They are content the rest of their life alone. Others move on almost instantly.

      I know that doesn't really answer your question as to when. Only you know that.