- Gender and Relationships»
- Dating & Online Dating
Finding A Real Date Online
Keeping Your Standards
I suppose seeing as I met my partner online I feel suitably qualified to write this article. Among the websites all trying to sell you something and the less reputable websites trying to sell you nothing you can find some diamonds amongst the dust.
I didn't go down the conventional path when I met my current partner ( we've been together 3 years now and have a beautiful little girl ) we met quite by chance. I was single at the time , a mother already and quite happy with my life. I wasn't looking to meet someone. We bumped into each other on a music forum dedicated to a band we were both into, exchanged Yahoo messenger IDs and the rest is history.
We spoke day in day out for near on a year about our lives , about music ( a LOT! ) about friends and past relationships and eventually my day revolved around him. Effectively he was already a big part of my life before we even met. Interestingly enough and I think what sets us aside from a lot of failed relationships I hear about that start online sex was never a major topic of conversation, sure it came up now and then as you'd expect it to during that time period but it certainly wasn't the driving factor in our friendship. There was never any of the "switch your web cam on for me " nonsense.
When you think carefully about it as much as sex is important in a healthy adult relationship for it to be a key factor is automatically setting your future up for failure together. So my number one red flag for women and men out there looking for more than just fun between the sheets would be someone who wanted to make sex part of the conversation everytime you had contact.
My partner never pressed for me to meet him and consequently I never felt under pressure. Eventually we traded phone numbers ( mobiles, I was still very wary about giving out my land line number ) and our relationship took a new turn , the computer was used less and the phone a whole lot more ( resulting in astronomical phone bills on both sides! ) . I quickly noticed that even though it had been nearly a year we had been speaking , daily for hours at a time we never once ran out of things to say and by the end of the day when the phone was hung up I still missed his voice. This was the deciding factor.
Anyone who's been in my situation will know exactly how petrifying this can be. I had a bazillion questions in my mind. Would he like the look of me in real life?, sure he had seen pictures of me , but I only ever sent him flattering ones. I had children , would he get on with them? they could be more than a handful sometimes. Ultimately I think my major fear though was that if we did meet and it wasn't as wonderful as it had been for the past year online then not only would I have to suffer the disappointment of that but I would at the same time lose a relationship that was already very special to me.
Of course you cant base a relationship around the phone and Internet for the rest of your life though so this logic told me it was a risk I had to take. That morning wracked with nerves I hopped on the bus, he had to fly to get to me so effectively he had to make much more of an effort. I had arranged a babysitter so the children were taken care of as I wanted to meet him in person before inviting him into my home. If it sounds like I was cautious then I'm getting my point across properly!
So as you already know , we met and my only regret now is leaving it so long. I do know however that taking my time was the right thing to do. Please keep in mind that someone who is only interested in you for shallow reasons will not hang around long if they don't get what they want.
I truly believe online dating should just be an extension of real life dating, you don't meet someone in real life and start discussing their sexual fantasies with them and end up in bed with them within the first 10 minutes of knowing them do you? Treat online dating the same. Time is too precious to waste on people who wont bring anything positive into your life and feeling used will do nothing for your self esteem even if it can be felt as temporarily flattering.
Obviously there are people out there who aren't looking for anything long term and would prefer to meet people on a casual basis and there's nothing wrong with that at all as long as they are open and honest about it from the beginning.
Always stay true to yourself and your needs and no matter how tempting someone might sound always take your time.I don't know if I believe in fate per say but I do believe there is someone for everyone out there. Do not be put off by someone who isn't especially fantastic at 'talking' online either. In my own experience those who twist words and know what to say are often seasoned chatters! The quiet guy or girl who might not have a lot exciting to say is more likely to be someone as new as you are to all this so do not pass him by.
Good luck folks and I hope you find the happiness I have out there, with the millions of people that use the Internet now your chances have never been better!
Internet Dating - Do's and Dont's
- Be honest about yourself and your life , if you're in this for the long term there is absolutley no point in busilding yourself up to be something you're not.
- Give your internet partner genuine pictures, web cams can be handy for this.
- Ask questions twice. I know it might sound strange but this is a great way of tripping up bad liars. For example ask what qualification they got at school, then a week or two later ask again saying you forgot. Write down thier answers or keep your chat logs to cross reference.
- Trust your gut instincts , they are nearly always right.
- Give anyone your land line number , always give your mobile number in the first instance. People can get a lot of information out of you via your land line number even your address.
- Refrain from talking about your children, this might not sound like a great idea but as a parent it is your duty to protect them and its common knowledge that some of the less desireable members of our society deliberatly seek out simgle mothers.
- Get involved in sexual activity online if you are looking for a long term relationship , sending out the message that you are in this just for kicks wont win you any favours.
- Pretend to be 5 stone lighter than you are and have no children if you are a big women or man with 7 kids , ok so this might frighten some prespective partners away but hey why would you waste your time one someone who wouldnt be interested anyway. Save yourself and them the dissapointment by being straight from the start.