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Finding Closure To A Toxic Relationship

Updated on July 30, 2014

What is closure anyways? 1. the act of closing; the state of being closed.2.a bringing to an end; conclusion.3.something that closes or shuts. (

Sometimes when you're in an abusive relationship, emotionally abusive that is, the other person can build themselves up so much in your eyes, be secretive, and seem like a gold mine waiting to be discovered when in reality they have as many flaws as the next person.

This is deceptive and a trick to get you to never get over them. Then they'll tell you that they want you to move on, and the more they say it, the more you won't want to. It's a game.

You must realize that no one is perfect. Yes, I said that no one is perfect.

Then you must think of the pros and cons and write them down. If you have more cons than pros, you must move on.

Even if it takes you a long time to do so, you will eventually move on. But what about closure? I think seeing the person might help you to know if you truly want to be with them, but if they put on a "show" as usual and act all wonderful and charming, you won't see "what" you want to stop being with.

So, I recommend you imagine in your mind's eye what they are really like. Look for subtleties in their behavior like if they talked to you on the phone and they sounded angry or mean or thoughtless- realize that they are.

Rejection is hard yes but if you let the facts seep into your brain YOU WILL REALIZE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE MISSING what you thought you were. Sure, they may have been a great cuddler, or very intimate in bed, but were they mean or yelled at you? Did they lose their temper a lot and make you feel nervous a lot?

Maybe that's the reason you left them? Because they made you nervous or scared? Having to walk on egg shells or never knowing if or when they would be mean?

Did they really love you or just see you as "fun"? These are all things to consider. What would it really be like if you spent time with them? Would they be a FUN as you are fooling yourself to think? Or would they be boring, like they used to be--unwilling to go places with you and staying home all the time with you wishing they would come and then them wanting you to have less friends, by jealousy, and you end up LOSING YOURSELF and who you are as an individual to please them. it's not worth it! They will only make you miserable and you will resent yourself too for allowing this to happen.

Just realize they are lazy or a bum if they have no life. Realize that they are an alcoholic if they are one with a disease that makes them abusive. This is not attractive. it's bad.

Realize they- being the jerk they are- may NEVER tell you the truth in hopes you will remain baffled and wanting more, no you don't need more of their abuse ...make your own closure by closing the door once and for all to this person who really doesn't love you, maybe is fooling themselves---because if they EVER really did love you or still did, they would not be putting you through this game.



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    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 3 years ago from USA

      Good to know, thank you tirelesstraveler!

    • tirelesstraveler profile image

      Judy Specht 3 years ago from California

      This is just as true for guys as for gals. My neighbor left his first wife because she was abusive , now his wife of 25+ years is doing the same things. She is my friend, but she certainly has changed in the last 10 years.

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 3 years ago from USA

      Thank you Nell, I appreciate that!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 3 years ago from England

      Hiya, I know the feeling of 'losing yourself' long story short this was similar to me many years ago, and its not something I would ever go back too, just walk away and leave them begging I say, nell

    • schoolgirlforreal profile image

      schoolgirlforreal 3 years ago from USA

      wonderful comments , thank you both!

    • lambservant profile image

      Lori Colbo 3 years ago from Pacific Northwest

      dashing, I love the analogy of buying an onion instead of an apple and being a poor shopper.

      Great hub SGFR,

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 years ago

      Once I realize the only thing all my toxic relationships had in common was (me) that's when I made real progress.

      Each of us gets to choose our own friends, lovers, and spouse.

      If you go to the store to purchase an apple but buy an onion instead whose fault is that? Do you curse the onion for not being an apple? No!

      You learn to become a better shopper!

      I'm not a big fan of seeking "closure" from exes. It's almost like asking them to kick you in the head as they walk out the door.

      There is nothing your ex can say that could make you feel better about having your heart broken. Whatever the reason was why they broke up with you or mistreated you could be the same reason why the next person will fall madly in love with you! Accept the fact they weren't "the one".

      "Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary."

      - Oscar Wilde