- Gender and Relationships»
Finding Your Love
If only courtship and marriage developed into utopia like our dreams and fantasies, what a wonderful world we would live in. Family ties would bind together as hard as water and sand, when mixed with cement. Love, peace and joy would radiate through the home like sweet fragrance from a bouquet of roses.
Many a couple, so in love on their wedding day, assured everyone their union was going to be like the one described above. But how many families have not been wounded and scared by the perfect marriage that ended in divorce?
Let's delve into reality to help you find your love, your true love!
They say opposites attract, but you need to be equally yoked in enough areas so you're pulling together as a team. Sure, there are exceptions to the rules, but why take the chance? The best way to gather information is by asking questions. There's no harm in knowing what your love thinks. Keep a mental record and if necessary, a written list.
Sometimes one or both may not be aware that certain priorities are more than the other can handle. I know a couple who had many differences in their priorities. Their relationship was on and off like passengers going and coming on a ferry. However, their companionship was awesome, and they loved being together. So what to do? She made a list of the pros and cons of her man and left it where he was bound to see it. He had a curious mind!
After reading the list, he smiled and said, "Who'd want to be in a relationship like that?" She laughed. He had a list too, it was much shorter. They sat down and discussed their lists, and made the necessary adjustments. After a few more bumps in the road, they smoothed it out and have been and still are enjoying a wonderfully happy marriage for over twenty-five years.
Choosing a companion of the same religious persuasion is a great start. Having similar values and beliefs blends your objectives and eliminates a lot of misunderstandings. Don't be fooled by thinking you'll change your partner into your beliefs after the wedding. Occasionally that happens, but look around and see for yourself. I've heard too many confessions from unhappy couples where religious beliefs have driven a wedge between the them. If you ever split wood, you know what a wedge can do!
Variety is the spice of life, but like food, some you love, some is palatable and some almost makes you gag. Personality types are just like food. The individual you may think is the cat's meow, could possibly drive your best friend to an insane asylum.
You must decide if your one and only has the personality you can live with. If there are a number of traits that grit on your nerves, but are cast aside because their physical attraction blows you away... beware. There's a line in a song that goes like this... "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife." Ladies, that applies to men also.That's why they say love is blind. Some don't see any faults. When you see the faults, perhaps you think you'll change the person or worse still, you convince yourself that their little quirks won't bother you. Oh how deceptive... it's like running through the grass, ignoring the signs of poisonous snakes... after you've been bitten, you wish you would have taken heed.
Of course nobody is perfect and there needs to be room for compromise and adjustment. Just remember, those tiny little mole hills that bug you before marriage, they'll become mountains after you tie the knot... especially when there's an argument over the toilet seat or how the tooth paste tube is to be squeezed. You laugh, but those little things light the fuse, and when it's lit, the fireworks will soon begin. That's when your eyes open and you'll soon learn what's really bugging your spouse.
Similar financial status is important because of the mindset that goes with the territory. Recently a customer opened his heart about being lonely. His wife died in her prime. He's having a hard time committing to a relationship even though it's been a number of years since his wife's death.
What's his problem you may ask? He's worried that women want him for his money!
Tension can arise from significant differences in financial status, but not always so. Remember, if you were brought up in a financial middle or lower income family, and marry into upper income, some will say you're a money grabber. Others may say you'd be nothing without your spouse's wealth... worse is if your spouse throws that at you when you're in the heat of an unpleasant discussion. Gossip is bound to happen... how are you going to handle it?
While we're on the subject of money, let's not forget your spending expectations. Is your love wise with spending and budgeting. Make sure you discuss your goals. If only we lived below our means. Save for a rainy day. Most believe debt will vanish and spend, spend, spend. I heard my mother give a warning to a couple over their spending. She told them there was a day of reckoning coming. One laughed, the other got the message, but wasn't able to put the breaks on the spending spree. I wish I could tell you my mother was wrong.
The money wedge can play a major role in marriage breakup.
Marriage with divers cultural background has become widely accepted in recent years, but still has a long way to go. Be prepared for flack that may be slung your way and especially if you have children. Search deep into the consequences that may arise. Make sure you can live with the issues that you and your spouse will face. There are ideal marriages with vast differences in culture, but a few nightmares as well.
Ladies... some cultures give the man the right to treat women abusively if they don't obey. The man should love and protect his wife, his help meet... not use his strength to beat her into submission.
You'll get a charge from "The Man" video below.
If you have lots of ambition, make sure your spouse to be has ample realistic ambition as well. Some dreams sound to good to be true, they probably are. Pulling all the load is a sure formula to grow resentment. Remember the mustard seed, it's very tiny, but grows to be a large plant. Resentment is like the mustard seed. Ever heard of a free loader?
Not all ambition has to be monetary. Develop your talents and share them by helping those who are less fortunate. It's rewarding. Does you future spouse think the same?
Work is a blessing... idleness is the devils tool. If your love loves doing nothing while you are doing most of the work, watch out! It's called, having your cake and eating it. You may just fit the bill, lots of ambition, young, blessed with great looks and personality. Make sure you pulling together as a team. Remember the yoke.
When I was eighteen, I worked at Covey's Boat Building just two miles down the road. Rufus had a word of advice, and it still makes me smile every time it pops into my head. He told me to find an old rich woman and marry her. Living with her for a decade or two was nothing compare to being set for life. Is that finding your true love? Only if it's money! If money made happy marriages, the rich wouldn't divorce.
I didn't take his advice. Would you?
Education plays an important role in selecting your true love. You need to be compatible, able to communicate with reasonable intelligence.
Picture a Phd and high school dropout as a pair. Not!
Now don't get me wrong, not all education comes from books. My Uncle Willie and his cuisine Bordon were genius's in their field, and didn't have a lot of education. Uncle Willie was a blacksmith (more like engineer) and boat builder... Bordon an inventor. He was offered the chance to become an engineer for General Motors when he repaired a mysterious breakdown of a GM executive's car way back when.
The point is, if you're embarrassed about your new found friend's education, what is that telling you?
Do you both have the same expectations? Do you expect your love to be neat, because you are a neat freak? If you think your better half will change... wake up! Some people are messy. If you like organization and order, make sure you're not going to marry a junk collector, hoarder or whatever.
How about cleanliness? There's nothing that turns off some people worse than not... yes not washing their hands after using the bathroom. Gross! If you want to start a lively conversation, just bring up that subject at a party.
"Faithfulness... daugh!" you ask. Well, a lady once told me that her husband loved her, but needed an affair once in a while to keep his love for her strong. Wowsers!
I told her I could never go along with that. She said I was old fashioned! Hmmm...
Believe it, when you marry, you're marrying into the family. Blood always has been and always will be thicker than water. Make sure you've had a blood transfusion and are part of the family.
If you want a family, make sure you both agree on having children and how many. Some definitely don't want any rug rats running around their feet. Some get broken before they marry. Most people say fixed but I say broken. When something is fixed, it works!
We all have them... habits. Some good, more bad it seems. Now if you think you're going to change those in your love, think again. Ever try breaking a habit? You know what I'm talking about. Some are so addictive the craving turns your gentle, kind love into a maniac.
So ask yourself, do those habits bug you? Do they make you love your love all the more?
SUMMING IT UP
Take advice from your parents and friends. They see where you are blind and will give you good advice.
A friend came to me once, just days before the wedding. He was deeply troubled, wondering if he was making a mistake. He really knew it was a BIG MISTAKE. My advice... call it off. Did he listen? Not! Years later he asked, "Why didn't you kidnap me?" Miraculously they're still together. Are they happy? Only if misery likes company!
There's no guarantee everything is going to come up roses, even if you take every precaution, but the chances are definitely in your favor.
Here's wishing you a successful journey in your search for your love... your true love, but remember, it's better to be lonely single than lonely married.