- Gender and Relationships
Finding "The One"
When you finally find your soul mate—aka “the one”—you should never feel the need to be superficial, flawless, or precisely whom you think you should be, simply to satisfy your significant other. Hiding behind a phony mask will eventually destine the relationship to fail. “The one” should support and love you for exactly who you are…imperfections included.
Too often, friends or family give poor relationship advice, saying things like: “refrain from asking certain questions in the beginning of the dating cycle,” or “hold back some of your personality traits, or “don’t openly share too much information about yourself until you know they are “the one.” Seriously? From what I have experienced, that advice is BULL SHIT! It seems that this type of advice is spoken from someone who is in a superficial relationship, currently in a failing relationship—or isn’t in a relationship at all (not surprisingly).
I thank God that I was raised to not only be my actual self, but to ask the right questions. Thank you mom! Luckily, I was never naive enough to listen to awful advice, which in turn has saved me from unintentional heartbreak. Let’s be clear, there is a time and place for every conversation. Opening up about yourself should be done when you have his or her undivided attention. In other words, maybe telling “the one” (or anyone) about every relationship you have had (and what went wrong) isn’t the best conversation to have at a crowded restaurant.
I understand why you may think that concealing certain personality traits, hobbies, emotions, etc. is the best way to secure a relationship, but it’s not; at least not a successful one. For example, if you have too much emotional baggage, you might hide that quality to make yourself seem more desirable, I get it. However, in actuality, creating a false identity prevents genuine love from finding you. Although being authentic can potentially frighten whomever you are meeting; truthfully, it will only alarm the wrong person—in other words, the person you aren’t meant to be with. This, my friends, will save you from a lot of questioning, tears, and heartbreak.
Trying to only show your “super cool” side will not only get exhausting, but when your authentic self makes an appearance, you may seem unbalanced, scaring off a potential love-interest. Being 100% “you,” isn’t easy, but it is worth it. When you are not, the truth about who you really are will eventually come slithering out, and no one likes to feel deceived. Why waste your time and energy being someone you are not?
Pretending you like sports, romantic movies, camping, skiing, yoga, golfing, museums, shopping, etc. only entices someone to like you for a short period of time, but what happens when the charade is gone? Will that person still stay in your life? Chances are no. When the façade ends, we can fool ourselves into believing that we had a great relationship; however, how great could the relationship really have been if the person never fully knew you?
Hiding your spontaneous, funny, smart, creative, athletic, happy, intense, affectionate, self-assured, argumentative, romantic, arduous, sometimes-sad-and-maybe-a-bit-crazy you, doesn’t serve ANYONE, especially “the one.” All the wonderful things that make you who you are—including the somewhat-skewed parts and whatever growing pains you’ve endeavored over the years—is what makes you different and unique. Every experience you have been through has made you who you are…and the right one for you will not only accept that, but also love those qualities that make you who you are.
Years ago, I watched an episode of Oprah and Steve Harvey was a guest promoting his book, “Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man.” He had said that there is someone for everyone; even “crazy” people find love. There is so much truth in that statement. Finding someone who loves you just the way you are will weed out those who do not suit you.
When you find“the one,” you will be able to tell them anything without it needing to be the right time or situation. They will take into account your flaws, and will want to work on building a solid relationship. They will see how important you are in their life because they believe in their heart that you are both meant for each other. With your significant other, you will feel protected, loved, and respected. They will trust you, knowing that you would never intentionally hurt them.
When you find “the one”—the right one—you will grow together, not apart. Just like wedding vows, you will be there for each other through sickness and in health. You won’t take the trust you’ve been given and purposely shatter it. You will both put in the effort to make the relationship work…because you want it to. You will pick your battles with each other, not let your battles take over. With this person, you won’t want to intimately share yourself with anyone else. You will love, cherish, honor, and respect each other…because life is too short to spend your life with someone who doesn’t.
You will know when you have found “the one” because they will not only balance you, but also enhance your life. If you have already found “the one,” congratulations! If not, the right one is still out there, you just have to believe it.