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First Date Conversation - Be Careful What You Say In The First Few Minutes

Updated on February 1, 2015
Be Careful Of The First Few Minutes
Be Careful Of The First Few Minutes

Ladies and gentlemen do you really want to know why you haven't received a phone call the following day after going out on a first date? You might have said to yourself, how could it be that after a seemingly wonderful evening or night out with this person, he/she refuses to go out with me on a second date? Or better yet, why does that person suddenly started to avoid you after talking to you on one or more occasions? The fact is, there could be a number of reasons for this! However,one thing you should always bear in mind, it's very easy for a beautiful swan to be transformed overnight into an ugly duckling!

For example, a guy could be seeing a woman for the very first time, and although he never exchanged words with her, he instantaneously fell in love with her, simply because of her overall outer appearance. In other words, she was looking rather stunning. In his eyes, she scored very high in the "good looks" department. She was also well dressed, her hairstyle fitted her face perfectly, her makeup was professionally done, perfect facial symmetry and so on. In fact, this could be you!

He saw you as the the perfect girl for him -- someone he could enjoy spending some time with, a "relationship material" or "possible wife material", based on your overall physical appearance(you possessed all the physical traits or characteristics he finds appealing in a woman).

Possibly, his ultimate goal at that moment was to get the opportunity to spend some time with you so that he could get to know you better, or to go out with you on a date with the hope of fulfilling his fantasies, aims, dreams or objectives. Whichever it is, just remember this, it's that first impression that caused him to develop that strong desire for you in the first place. Each step along the way, he will keep on reminiscing on that initial picture of you and he will continue to hold unto that picture in the back of his mind.

Hypothetically speaking, what if both of you should actually get the opportunity to exchange words during one of your encounters,or through a phone conversation, or say you guys went out on a date? Do you know that although you have passed the "good looks" test in flying colors, you could possibly flunk the second test(i.e. the ability to interact in a friendly, respectful,warm, unselfish, empathetic and caring manner etc.). Chances are, he could be someone you might be physically attracted to, someone that you would like to know better, but you turned him off within the first few minutes --- literally the very first time you opened your mouth.

How Important Is The First Few Minutes

When two individuals meet for the first time, the potential for building a relationship can be affected by many factors. Within a few moments,one person can make the other feel threatened, offended, bored or safe and reassured. Coauthors of "Contact -- The First Four Minutes" refer to this first few minutes as the "Four Minutes Barrier."

According to Zunins etal, human relationships will be established, reconfirmed or denied, usually during in this brief span of time. It's usually during the first few minutes of interaction with others that people's attention spans are at their greatest and powers of retention at their highest. Based on careful observation, it's believed that four minutes is the average time, during which two people in a social meeting usually make up their minds to continue the encounter or to separate.


In every social setting, including dating, the way you dress and behave are not the only important things that people tend to observe. In fact, the manner in which you communicate or interact with others is extremely important. Good interaction helps to form a positive mental picture that others will observe and always remember. No doubt, good looks and your overall outer appearance will always receive high scores, however, the things you say within the first few minutes or even how you say them, during your first date or during the first conversation you happened to have with an eligible bachelor or spinster could ruin your chance for a second date.


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    • mackyi profile imageAUTHOR

      I.W. McFarlane 

      6 years ago from Philadelphia

      Hey my friend, this is what blogging is all about -- agree to disagree!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      For once we agree!! ;-)

    • mackyi profile imageAUTHOR

      I.W. McFarlane 

      6 years ago from Philadelphia

      Thanks for dropping by SimplyMSW. Let me first say this --- If a woman can survive the first 4mins (4 minutes barrier) of conversation without "turning off" her date, so far she is doing good on her first date, and is likely to be considered for a second meeting. The reason for saying this is simply because this is the average time it usually takes us human beings to decide whether or not we would like to continue meeting up or socializing with a person whom we have newly met.

      Some men may literally shut down and might even come up with an excuse to terminate the night or evening out with a woman, if their expectations weren't met within that first four minutes.

      Thus, a woman shouldn't spend her first "four minutes"talking about how much money she makes, her ex or other people, and so on. She should take this time to try to know the man better. Therefore, she should spend this time listening attentively, showing a bit of empathy where necessary, validating his point of views, demonstrating a caring and supportive attitude, and so on.

      She should allow him to feel comfortable with her and learn to trust her as early as possible and let him know that she genuinely cares about him as a person. She shouldn't take over the conversation and keeps on talking on and on non-stop about herself and personal achievements, asking questions about how much he makes and other personal things.

      I suggest that this first moment should be spent talking about things such as likes/dislikes, favorite vacation spots, hobbies, favorite food, music, movies, colors etc. My opinion of course!

    • profile image


      6 years ago

      Great read! Care to elaborate (from a male perspective, of course) on those topics/subjects that push men away during a first meeting or otherwise exclude a woman from future dates? There are obvious things like lacking intelligence, being boring, self-centered, etc that are turn-offs, but there are also more subtle things like bringing up sex too early, spending too much time talking about one's ex... you get my drift. What mistakes, in your opinion, do women make?


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