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Fix Your Relationship Problems for Good One Key at a Time

Updated on September 16, 2011

As most of you know, I work with couples to enhance and improve their relationships. Whether it's to add some spice and romance, work with aphrodisiacs, or heavier topics such as working on recovering from affairs and addictions, I am passionate about helping to create a better world, one couple at a time.

I recently launched a brand new eight week program for couples that I'm very excited about. It's about the nine keys to unlocking True Love potential. I won't take your time with the details, but all the keys are about skills and topics that are necessary to create the best possible relationships. One of those keys is so critical I really just want to share it with the whole world.

The critical relationship key, or skill, that I'm talking about is emotional validation. This is so critical to us as human beings that psychiatrists believe that children raised without this need being met show a greatly increased risk of diseases such as Bi-Polar, Depression, Anxiety, and other emotional and personality disorders. Adults as well suffer greatly when they are in an emotionally invalidating environment. It just makes sense, if you are truly pursuing healthy
relationships, not only with your life partner, but with others in your life, that you will want to pay great attention to how you can help provide emotional validation.

What is Emotional Validation?

The most simple definition of validation is it's to confirm what your are observing, hearing, or witnessing about another person in a way that shows them acceptance and acknowledgment. As simple as it sounds, it's amazing how often we don't take that extra thirty seconds or few minutes to present others with such an important gift.

  • Showing validation sounds like "I can understand why you are feeling that way." It is about showing acceptance of another person, whether you agree with them or not. Validating another person means you listen to them. Put down the cell phone, stop texting, look AT who ever is talking to you, and listen to them.
  • Accept what is being said to you. You don't have to agree. In fact, you may think the other person is entirely irrational or completely nuts to feel or think whatever it is that they are sharing with you. But not only is it offensive to point that out, it's not agreat way to show that you are valuing them as a person.
  • Seek clarification and seek understanding. This can look like "I hear you are saying you are upset that you lost your job and think it's unfair that you were the one let go of, is that correct?". When they confirm or offer additional explanations, you can then validate their feelings "I would feel that way too" could be a great validating statement.

Now, here is where validating another person gets a little tricky. Most of us want to jump in and fix things. Refrain from doing that. Often times the person doesn't even want that from you, they may just want to talk. Also, keep your judgments and critical thoughts to yourself.

Just by taking that little bit of extra time and effort to show good validation actions, your communication levels will become more open, loving and trusting. Walls of resentment, abandonment issues and trust issues will melt away. Caustic elevations of arguing, complaining, bickering and nagging will also become a thing of the past.

Remember Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish. Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength. The same holds true for positive feelings too, except that positive feelings that are validated and acknowledged will grow, and if they are ignored they will lose strength.

What Validation Is NOT:

  • Your partner shares their feelings and you say "You shouldn't feel that way", Or "What about how I'm feeling?", or "Don't be stupid". Or worse yet, "You just want to bitch".
  • Someone is trying to talk to you, but you only half listen while you continue to play video games, watch t.v., type on your computer, text, or some other form of rudeness. Yes, that is rude. Look at someone when they are talking to you, when your life is over you'll wish you'd spent more time paying attention to your loved ones than your material possessions, so give them your time willingly.
  • You immediately say "I don't have time for this", "Don't even go there", or "I don't want to talk about it". If you are truly that crunched for time, or if the topic is too sensitive to talk about at that moment then communicate accordingly. First by stating that you realize that what they have to say is important. Then let them know this moment is not good for you and suggest a time when you will be better able to communicate with them. It might look like this, "I see this is something we need to talk about. I am really tied up right now, but want to give you my full attention. Can we talk in about fifteen minutes?"

Don't take my word for all of this though. Try it out yourself. In fact I dare you to evaluate yourself for one week in your interactions with other people, and with yourself as well as self-validation is just as important.

I know when I first focused on this I was amazed at how much improvement I found I could be making. I'm getting better, but it's still a challenge to "be there" completely for another person, to refrain from going immediately into "fix it" mode and just show acceptance and understanding. But, I've also seen how the people around me relax and have a boost in self worth and self esteem when I take the time to gift them with some extreme validation.

Yes, I believe this is one of the most important keys in creating healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationships. There are eight others that I believe are very important as well that I included in The Golden Key to Unlocking Your Soulmate Relationship. I really think learning to become more emotionally validating is the first step.

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    • profile image

      ed77burns 

      7 years ago

      Relationship will long last if you have TRUST in it.

    • HappyHer profile imageAUTHOR

      Tracy Morrow 

      7 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      That's a great tip Anamika "Nip it in the bud" - means to talk about it right away and is a very good practice so you don't have lingering resentments.

    • Anamika S profile image

      Anamika S Jain 

      7 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

      A wonderful Hub on Relationships! I believe in fixing the problems then and there and not carry forward.Many times what we see or hear would not be the reality. So it is better to have a heart to heart talk with the partner and remove the misunderstandings if any. As Women, many times we expect our Partners to understand us without conveying but unfortunately most men are not mind readers. If you have a problem or want something it is better to say it to the person directly than expect him to read your mind.

    • HappyHer profile imageAUTHOR

      Tracy Morrow 

      7 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      I don't think any relationship can last very long if the people involved don't feel validated. You're very insightful to have seen that in your own past relationships.

    • Lillee McLoflin profile image

      Lillee McLoflin 

      7 years ago from Texas

      Very interesting information! I have had those relationships where my feelings weren't validated. Funny how quickly the other person gets upset when I stop validating them. Great information - both for those in a relationship and those hoping to be in one.

    • HappyHer profile imageAUTHOR

      Tracy Morrow 

      8 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      TattoGuy, I think most of us are guilty of that. Just let the ladies banging down your door know they'll have a five page application to complete before acceptance as a potential date for you :)

      Don, Thank you. I believe emotional validation is the absolutely most essential skill to develop. When you can give that to other people, many other relationship skills will begin to naturally fall into place.

    • Don Simkovich profile image

      Don Simkovich 

      8 years ago from Pasadena, CA

      This is really an important Hub and I hope you promote it well . . . It's basic, yet we (men and women) need reminding of it time and again. Validating feelings should be used with our children and it's a key that successful salespeople use as well. It shows the person who is validating the feelings is truly listening.

    • profile image

      TattoGuy 

      8 years ago

      Oh dear I am deff guilty of not listening if I am watching tv or on my laptop, some good advice there moi friend, I must sign you up to help me find my next partner !

    • HappyHer profile imageAUTHOR

      Tracy Morrow 

      8 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      Thank you Prasetio30! Life is so much happier when you can be joyful in your relationships. It's an honor for me to be considered a Guru, but I am just a humble student myself. If I can share what I learn, and you share what you learn, we can be students to each other!

      Coolmompublishing, you are right. It takes a lot of practice to be truly validating, but it's SO worth it! I like t.v. shows like Criminal Minds, the staff are highly validating of each other and show great examples of that practice.

    • coolmompublishing profile image

      coolmompublishing 

      8 years ago from Georgia

      This is truly a hard thing to do because it's so counterintuitive. Thank you for the very well-written and insightful hub!

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 

      8 years ago from malang-indonesia

      I learn much from your tips. Detail and easy to understand. But If I am in relationship maybe I understand how's the feeling being loved by someone. You are my Guru. Please accept me become your student! Thank you very much.

      Prasetio

    • HappyHer profile imageAUTHOR

      Tracy Morrow 

      8 years ago from Cleveland, OH

      I believe it too formerbronxboy. I've heard of people in counseling for years with little to no results. It's exactly why I've created a program that actually produces something other than job security!

    • formerbronxboy profile image

      formerbronxboy 

      8 years ago from NOT THE BRONX

      I believe that everyone has it inside themselves to do what is needed. Some need to be reminded, I guess. The strenght of an individual is something that has been lost to therapy.

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