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For Guys: After the meeting - you need to build sexual tension

Updated on April 4, 2010
I'm going to flash forward a little here. Imagine you've taken my advice on profile and photos, you've made contact with someone who interests you and you've become interesting to her. You've asked her out for a date/coffee/skydiving/whatever and you're ready to take things further...

Have you ever wondered about what exactly makes a woman attracted to a guy? What is that intangible sexual vibe you have with a woman when you KNOW it's going to lead to much, much more?

It's sexual tension and for most guys it's 10% intentional and 90% luck. Once you read this article, you're going to be able to turn the 10/90 Rule to 90/10. This is some serious power and I've gotta say I'm a little reticent to let you have it because this is one of my specialty areas with women. But that's OK, because in the back of my mind as I type this, I know that most of the guys who read it will never put it into action. It's not that it's not solid info you can use TODAY, but it takes a little bit of work to get going. And we all know that the biggest whingers out there whinge because they don't want to step out of their comfort zone. Pity. 

Read on and learn how to invoke sexual tension with any woman you want, anytime, anywhere.

I've read books and articles talking about what really drives seduction - that's what this is. After all the playful internet and MSN banter and the phone calls and the first date, you're going to have made a decision about whether or not you want to pursue a physical relationship with this girl. Some of the gurus out there say that proper technique is the key. That you must follow step by step rules and routines which will eventually lead you to the bedroom. Others say it's all about your mindset and having strong intent. I think it’s a combination of both. Be advised though, that routines and techniques are not the key here - we're talking about timing and self-control, which is where mindset and intent comes into play. 

Let's look at intent for a moment. We can all guess that having a strong intention is key. So what is your intent?

- Do you want a new friend?
- Are you looking for a chat buddy?
- Are you going to fall deeply in love with this woman?

Probably not. Like most guys, your intent is physical. At the end of the day it’s all about the sex, with potential relationships coming second.

Ever been so turned on by a chick that no matter how badly she embarrassed you in front of your friends, no matter what she said or did, you wanted her? You HAD to have her. It was your mission. That's desire my friends,and it's the cornerstone of sexual tension. Sexual tension is the reason why a cheesy pick-up line works for one guy and not for another. Sexual tension IS the game. The rest is just detail.

Don't turn into a dribbling, lust-fuelled animal when you're interested in a woman, but be aware that if you don't have that desire, you won't have the spark that leads to more. A shotgun approach with women in order to acquire sex is energy wasted. The sexual connection is NEVER as good. Ever been in a long term relationship and just had sex by going through the motions? NO real spark or desire there? Just did it because you were both bored or half asleep? To be honest, you might as well go buy a hooker. Sex like that is boring - that's right. You want spark, you want anticipation, you want to feel like the lust-filled animal. I’ll talk about how to properly utilise your desire later in this article, so stay tuned.

Attraction is the main catalyst for desire. Attraction must be present on her part and yours. Guys know what it is we're attracted to, so I won't go into that here. But for her, dominance and mystery are what attracts her to you. Sexual tension is much discussed, but little-understood. It is how I, a 37 year old divorcée, can literally attract any woman I want. Sexual tension is the core of the interaction and its application is subtle, but extremely powerful.  

So what is sexual tension?

I prefer a very pure definition of sexual tension because it is grounded in real sexual desire, and a very natural way of magnifying the tension felt by the woman. Think about it – should it be complicated and hard to learn how to be successful with women? You are a human male evolved over millions of years. It doesn’t make sense that you all of a sudden should need some special language pattern or pick-up routine. Arousing and having sex with women is simple.

Sexual tension is the creation of a controlled arousal state in a woman without any overt sexual intent on your part.That’s it. Sound easy? Good. The only challenge is to really harness control of your sexual state. Most guys get horny as a reaction, not as a choice. This is where control comes in. Instead of walking around desperate for sex, I decide when to get aroused by a woman.

It’s about focus. When the time is right, you can create sexual tension by magnifying your sexual desire for a woman, but not making any overt sexual advances towards her. You must focus on her, and direct your energy towards her, but don’t talk about it. You must maintain a sense of ambiguity, which keeps her focused on you. This is part of what we call "mystery". She perceives your internalised state of arousal, and she is free to entertain thoughts without embarrassment (since we aren’t talking about sex). This leads her mind in a sexual direction. Your state is transferred to her, and then she gets aroused. Simple cause and effect. It is then only a matter of handling the little details which will lead to the bedroom.

Let’s take a closer look at the state of arousal and how it works.

For a woman to be aroused around you, you must first be aroused. There are two reasons why a sexually aroused state is important. First, women love sex. A sexual man is valuable to a woman because he can give her pleasure. Women are attracted to men who love women. If you’re not sexual, you are useless to her, unless you can give her some fashion advice.

The second reason is more subtle. There is a phenomenon I call "projection of mood". Have you ever been in a really bad mood, and a buddy visited you in an awesome, excited mood? Your own mood probably changed, and you found yourself smiling and cheering up even a little in spite of yourself. His mood was more powerful than yours. How do you feel around someone when they are anxious or nervous? You probably felt a little nervous yourself!

Think of a time you were with a woman, say a girlfriend, and she was obviously very horny and sexually aroused. You probably got excited because she was excited. That's mood projection. Mood projection is the most basic level of communication, especially if it’s something strong and exciting like sexual arousal.

Can you see where this is going?

Some of you people out there who have done psychology at university may be thinking that mood projection is a load of bullsh*t. What the lecturers and professors taught you is wrong. Try it. Adopt a playful attitude in your daily interactions, and see how the people around you react. Adopt a depressed, angry mood, and see what happens. Mood projection may occur on a metaphysical, psychic energy level. But more so, a mood is transferred to another person through non-verbal sub communication. When you are turned on, your voice subtly (or not so subtly) reflects that state, as do your facial expressions, eye contact, manner of touching, body language, and a million other little things too numerous to try to identify, let alone manage. If you are attractive, she adopts your mood. If you are unattractive (weak and needy), she will reject your mood and adopt the opposite feeling within herself.

A lot of times I’ll see guys forcing or faking a sexual mood. They’ll do it too soon, and it won’t be real. He’ll look a girl up and down, lick his lips, and use his “player voice” to try to create a sexual vibe. This doesn’t work, mainly because it’s not stemming from real arousal, and because he’s probably doing it too soon – before she’s earned this kind of interest. "Earned" this kind of interest? WTF? Yes, earned it. Remember, you're the prize, not her.

So how do you have a controlled state of arousal? It’s not as simple as just being horny... Although that’s certainly part of it. Control is vital - if you are nervous or uncomfortable, you won’t be able to get properly sexually aroused and you'll project your angst onto her and drive her away. Control of your moods is not only vital when it comes to women, but in other areas of your life. It allows you to stay calm, generally happy, and more productive. In spiritual terms, it is sometimes called “staying centred” or having “peace of mind.”.

The best way to stay calm and comfortable in social situations is experience. Socialise more, go out (sober), and get experience talking to women. Meditation, good diet, avoidance of harmful indulgences like drug use, television, internet porn, and taking regular exercise all help. For me, simply reminding myself to relax while I’m talking to women has been extremely helpful. In most cases, just being relaxed will be enough to make a woman interested in you. Being relaxed around women says so many good things about you, and yet, it’s rare that men are comfortable and relaxed when they talk to attractive women. That makes you stand out from the hordes instantly and makes her begin to wonder what's so different about you.

For the “horny” part, raising your testosterone level will have an incredible effect. Natural ways to increase testosterone include heavy weight training (squats, dead lifts, bench press, etc.) zinc supplementation, eating lots of animal protein, and if possible, regular sex.

You already know how to get aroused. During your interactions with women, simply focus on what she’d look like naked, or imagine having sex with her, or whatever fun little thoughts you want to entertain.

Now you've got the background, let's look at creating tension. Society programs us to hide our sexual desires until it’s safe (i.e. in the bedroom). Men worry about scaring women off by being too sexual or forward. This is actually a valid concern. If you’ve ever said something sexual to a woman before it was appropriate to do so, then you know exactly what I’m talking about here. They generally will put up the bitch shield and quite rightly so. So how do we make our desire work for us? By turning it into tension.

The tension component is really an extension of mystery. Mystery can be described in two ways. It can be seen as a lack of over-validating a woman, or getting her attention fixated on you by being ambiguous and holding back information. These are flip sides of the same coin. Applied to sexual tension, we enter a sexual state, but don’t verbalise our desire. If we did, she may like it, or not like it. Either way, now she knows where she stands - she is validated. We DON'T want her to be validated - remember, this is the thrill of the hunt. She has you figured out, and knows you want her, which gives her the option of forgetting about you and focusing elsewhere. You are a “solved mystery”. Another key point about verbalising sexual interest is that it puts her in a position where she has to agree to it. She must consciously admit that the interaction is leading to sex. Again, that’s not bad, but it's not optimal, and sometimes can create a mental block in her mind for being alone with you. Imagine sitting in a room with a closed treasure chest in front of you. Then you open it and find gold coins. Ask yourself, when is the chest more interesting? True, the gold coins are great, but once you find them, there’s no longer a mystery. You can even forget about the gold coins for a while to go watch TV or call a friend, because those coins aren’t going anywhere. But before you know what’s in there, that chest preoccupies your mind and keeps your attention. The same applies with attraction between people.

Women vary on how much comfort they require before the vibe gets sexual. We make women feel comfortable with our credibility - letting her know:

a) I am safe

b) I understand and share her worldview

c) I can improve her worldview and changer her reality through my guidance.

Some women want sexual tension right away, or they get bored. These women are usually very social and comfortable with their bodies - waitresses, dancers - but not always. Sometimes the shy ones are the freaks!

But most women need some level of comfort first. Talk to her like she’s a friend, stay calm, positive/accepting, and interested in her life. After some basic rapport is established, turn on your arousal state. If she clams up or gets uncomfortable, snap out of it and switch back to Credibility fast. Also, don’t use any weird, sleazy tonality when you are aroused. Just keep a normal, masculine tonality, speak slowly, resonantly, and relaxed.

Many ‘naturals’ create this kind of sexual tension. These are the guys who seem to emanate masculine energy - a warm, powerful presence. This could be due to high testosterone levels, or sexual confidence. They are never overtly sexual because they are not desperate - they are already getting laid. Also, they know that women love sex, and are bigger perverts than men! Knowing this, they enjoy sexual innuendo and getting women all worked up. They smirk, knowing that underneath her cool act, her mind is spinning with all kinds of dirty scenarios. They know she’s attracted, and have fun building anticipation. Cultivate an appreciation and skill for building anticipation - it is the hallmark of all the great seducers of history. Instead of rushing to the bedroom, or copping as many feels as you can, build tension. I assure you, this works much faster than trying to force an outcome.

After getting comfortable with harnessing control of your desire and projecting it, chunk it down and adopt a basic mindset like the following:

- I have fun making women think about me in a sexual way.
- I'm going to see how sexual I can be with her without being obvious.
- I wonder what her favorite position is.

And remember, building mystery and anticipation is not a task that you need to do with techniques. It is fun, women love it, and when you get the hang of it, you will too 


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      4 years ago

      You stole all of this


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