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Cheating and Possible Redemption
Few events in life compare to the loss of trust and permanent breakup of formerly loving relationships than the discovery that a lover is cheating. A causual encounter or carefully planned affair have similar effects on the lives of of all concerned, including extended family and the children.
The affair may also point to some serious problems between lovers that went unrecognized or, more likely, were there all along but the couple refused to talk about. In severe cases, an offending partner may have already refused to accept the cat is out of the bag and will deny until the very end. If this is a continuing pattern of deceit and denial, there is littler hope that anything will be accomplished through intervention.
The passive aggressive individual is difficult to deal with. Through stony silence and smug indifference, the insult is magnified by the absolute coldness of the partner to admit or discuss anything. If this is a continuing pattern, what genius is going to pop up to save the relationship? A frustrated lover in this situation eventually blows off steam. This is what the passive aggressive cheater is waiting for and presses the advantage by focusing on the aggrevied lover's anger. For the offended party, nothing is accomplished.
Likewise, the agreeable lover who admits everything, cheerfully accepting responsibility, then dropping the boom again and again. Serial cheaters are hopelessly ensnared by thier own inadequate ego which constantly needs stroking by a new, "more exciting" partner.When the thrill is gone, unfortunately, so are they.
Tragic are the families that must deal with the complex web that alcoholism or drugs may play in cheating lovers or husbands. Whatever need may be present, alcohol/drugs open the possiblility for cheating. Bars are notoriously recognized as ideal "pick up" places and the substance used as an excuse for the cheating. The defect in character was present before the first drink or use of a mind altering substance. The drink provides the excuse.
The road of life is littered with good intentions of those who have tried to rescue the drunk and save whatever there is to save. Rarely does an individual give up a substance they have come to depend on, daily and rarer still may a relationship stand up under the constant stress cheating, drinking, drugging, and eventually the total loss of control that inevitibily occurs over time.
In every one of these cases, a good, loving and caring partner with the best intentions devises a strategy to "cure" the problem. there is no cure, except in extraordinary circumstances such as when the law has intervened, or social services, and even a dedicated or idealistic counselor goes to the wall, pulling out every stop to try and help make the relationship work. Despite all the dedication and best efforts the odds are against putting the pieces of crumbling lives back together.
Miracles do occur, however, often requiring many years of hard work to restore, or partially restore broken trust, vows and promises. Again, most often the relationship is beyond repair and nothing is going to fix it.
Sadly, some offended lovers may act as if they are forgivng and forgetting but have some nasty surprises in store for the offender. while they may even attend counseling sessions they are only going through the motions. They have a plan. They are going to extract a terrible revenge on the cheater that is diabolical but effective. they may set out to ruin the person's reputation and future earnings potential but more likely will use any method, including the children to manipulate and keep remnants of the relationship alive, even refusing to remarry so they have, or think they have control.
Youth is a fickle time of discovery and experimentation. Each person wants to find out who they are and what their purpose is in life, however, many young people wish to skip this phase of development and quickly move into coupling and attempt to defy the astronomical odds of making a teen marriage, usually with a child, work.
Opportunities for meeting attractive, opposite sex members do not diminish because of a wedding riing. the natural urge of healthy, attractive young persons to get out of the house is understandable. It is inevitable that a young person left to care for a child, possibly isolated will soon resent the "prison" she finds herself in.
The male is out in the world all day where natural encounters with attractive women are common. Maybe he resents his wife a little for not having returned to her former weight when they were dating and carefree. Maybe she seems clingy now, and unattractive in her new role as "mommy." He resents her demands for money or for his time. He wants to spend time with the boys, while she is feeling lonely and abandoned.
Now there are new opportunities for cheating. Meeting people has never been easier with the internet and other devices that open new ways to communicate. The media and popular movies may glorify or at least raise the level of cheating to respectibility.
Spend some time with those you are considering sharing your life with. It can't hurt to wait a few months to see where the relationship might lead. There is no insurance but a relationship needs every advantage to start off well. Time gives the couple a chance to explore the core values they both share or may have differences over. Unbelievably, couples enter marriage often not knowing the values of the other and what they might be willing to compromise on or change. Of course, there are some values that are timeless and unchanging. anyone who is willing to overlook a person who cheats others or the government or lies to gain a business advantage is asking for it.
Whether you feel you must give up a cheating lover or not, you must prepare yourself for the eventuality of living alone; ultiimately that is where we will find ourselves and those who know the joy of self-discovery and new growth, without a partner are fortunate. Life may be best celebrated with another, but that is not the only alternative. If there are children, they have a sustaining(if not motivational) presence. They want and need a loving parent. The advantage of a spiritual relationship with a higher power are immediately evident. A parish or ward may suppliment family to get through a crisis.
The high school or college student may feel the hurt as deeply as anyone when cheating occurs. But the young person has the innate ability to bounce back, to lean on friends, continue dating or hanging out where potential partners gather. Certainly, the consequences for cheating may make it difficult to trust in future peer relations. Though unfortunate, this is a valuable lesson in gaining the skills necessary for meeting adult challenges. Some caution is good in a complex world. It is far better to learn some lessons before meeting the other challenges we must face in life.