- Gender and Relationships
The Meaning & Benefits of No Contact Rule
The aim of this hub is to try to provide answers as to what No Contact constitutes, the benefits derived from applying this rule and whether No Contact can be used to get back your ex. It is an extension of the article I wrote, The Benefits of No Contact Rule.
a) What Is No Contact Rule?
No contact means you are not going to initiate any form of contact with your ex for a period of time. You are not going to call or text your ex. You are not going to stalk your ex online through social media sites or physically. No accidental bumping and no using your friends to get information about your ex. Additionally not frequenting spots you’re certain you won’t miss your ex there.
b) When Should It Be Applied?
No Contact is applied after a breakup. It can be you broke up with your ex yesterday or several days, weeks or months ago. No Contact means you are not going to converse with your ex for various reasons which will be detailed in this article.
c) How Long Should The Break Up Progress?
The minimal period of time to carry out this rule is two weeks. The average time is thirty days. Maximum time depends with an individual. Some individuals may go as far as three to six months or one year and so on. You are the only one who can decide how long you want to keep this rule. Ending the No Contact does not necessarily mean the time has arrived to try get back your ex. It may mean you have decided no trying to get your ex back, it’s time to move on your own.
d) What If I Break This Rule Early On?
Don’t feel sad or discouraged when you break this rule. No Contact is one of the hardest rules to follow. If you break this rule early on when you’ve started, go back to the drawing board – start again. It is never too late to begin using this rule if you have broken it. One of the reasons that might have led you to break this rule is either you felt the need to talk to your ex, maybe you missed him a lot, or when your ex called you were unable to stop the urge to give in. You have to be determined because of the benefits you will harvest when you exercise this rule.
e) Does It Mean When My Ex Calls I Shouldn’t Receive His Call Nor Reply To His Text Message?
Exactly! When your ex calls you shouldn’t answer his call. When he texts you shouldn’t reply. It will be hard but that is what No Contact is all about. The only exception is when it is an urgent call or text. This is the only time you can call or text him or when he calls or texts you can receive the call or reply to his texts.
f) Why Do People Break This Rule Early On?
The emotional attachment is the reason why people find it hard to persevere with this rule beyond two weeks. When you distance yourself from your ex you will feel a sense of loss. It is the same case with a person whose friend or family member has died. The person will feel a sense of loss. Also, it can be likened to a wall which has been erected, you’re on one side and your ex on the other side and you cannot see each other. It feels like a force has severed the bonding. Furthermore, a person will tend to feel lonely and the intensity of missing his ex increases.
f) What Are The Benefits Of No Contact?
The following are the benefits of No Contact rule:
- It helps you to make sense of the failed relationship. It aids you in being able to analyze and evaluate the failed relationship as objectively as possible. You will not be influenced by hurtful emotions when making decisions such as whether to get back your ex or move on.
- It allows the healing process to begin. Since you are grieving the ‘death’ of the relationship it is right to feel you’ve lost something dear – the relationship – and someone – your ex. When you are in contact with your ex you will not be able to heal from the ‘wound’ that had been created in your ‘heart.’ In order to heal the wound, you have to halt conversing with your ex. When you converse with your ex you’ll be reminded of the failed relationship which will further aggravate the hurt.
- You will regain emotional strength. A break up destabilizes a person. The person feels weak. He feels psychologically exhausted which is radiated to his physical body. When a person feels emotionally tired he tends to feel physical exhaustion. When you are emotionally exhausted it will be hard to think clearly, objectively and soberly.
- It enables you to focus ahead. When you’re in contact with your ex during the first days or weeks after the break up, it’s hard to focus ahead. You’ll tend to overlook or forget to focus on fulfilling your goals or what you need to do. This arises from the fact you’ll be doing everything in trying to get back your ex i.e reviving the failed relationship forgetting you have a life of your own.
- It will enable you to make sober decisions. The problem of contacting your ex will lead you to make hasty decisions which you will regret later on. When composing decisions you are not supposed to be influenced by hurtful emotions. They should not control your emotions because you’ll regret later of having allowed the emotions to control your decision-making.
If your one and only aim of wanting to carry out this rule is in order to get back your ex, then there are factors to consider. If these factors work in your favor, then congratulations my friend because you will get back your ex. Unfortunately, you may get back together with your ex and it turns out to be a rebound relationship. Not all broken relationships can be mended. You can get back together but what you two didn’t realize is the relationship was broken beyond repair. There is the possibility the relationship wasn’t broken beyond repair but it is hard to know whether your reunion will end in another breakup. It is always advised, for your own benefit and sometimes for the sake of your ex - not to get back with your ex. You will save yourself a lot of heartache.
There are many factors which will determine whether your reunion will survive till the end. These factors will determine whether the No Contact rule can work in your favor or not. They are:
- The reason for the breakup. If, for example, your ex’s reason for ending the relationship is because of another man; using No Contact will be useless. It will not help bring your ex back into your life. Analyze the reason why your ex decided to end the relationship. There are reasons you can never overturn. There are reasons which your ex will stand by whether you apply NC rule or not.
- The personality of your ex. People have different personality traits. There are people once a breakup has happened they wouldn’t want to get back with their ex even if they love their ex very much. Whether they were the dumpers or the dumpees, using No Contact will not be effective in getting them back into your life. It will be fruitless.
- Length of the relationship. The length of the relationship matters a lot. Emotional attachment doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. It is the emotional attachment that glues people together. Without it a relationship cannot survive. In Chemistry and Physics, for two atoms to form a molecule there must be bonding. This is why a molecule like water consists of two atoms which have been bonded, Hydrogen and Oxygen.
- The manner of the breakup. How did the relationship end? Was there a lot of drama during the breakup? How did you react as a dumpee or in which manner did you end the relationship as a dumper? If there was drama chances of a reunion is very hard.
- What is your ex thinking? What is she thinking about the failed relationship and you? Does she want to get back with you or wants to move on her own? Is she using No Contact for other reasons than trying to get you back into her life? Has her love for you subsided or is it as strong as before? Remember, missing somebody doesn’t necessary mean you love or you have feelings for that person.
- Her support group. If your ex has strong support group then she will tend to follow the advice of the group. Even if she loves you dearly or has feelings for you, it will be hard for her to accept to get back to you. The stronger the support group the stronger will be her resolution not to get back with you even if she had thoughts of wanting to get back with you.
- Why do you want to reunite with her? Is it because you are feeling lonely? Is it because you are desperate or needy? Is it because you don’t know what to make out of your life without your ex by your side? If your reason(s) are misplaced, then it will be hard to get her back, and if you do there is the high possibility of ending in the same situation you’re in.
- Have you talked with her of getting back together and she has agreed? Why does she want to get back with you? Are there some fishy reasons she wants to get back with you? Is she genuine? You have used NC rule and she is back in your life. Do you know the reason(s) why she has decided to be in relationship with you once again? If her reason(s) are misplaced then another breakup is bound to happen.
- No Contact has its limitation if you want to get back your ex. When you decide to go two weeks, one month and so on without contacting your ex; she may tend to believe you have moved on with your life therefore, she will see no need of bothering you. By the time you’ve completed NC, you will be shocked she has moved on with her life. Maybe when you were exercising No Contact, she had decided to be in a relationship with another man.
By and large, what we tend to forget to comprehend it is possible to get back your ex without using No Contact. Lack of using it and using it makes no difference. In both cases it may work out or not. It depends on the above factors. However, it is important to recognize No Contact is never meant as a means of getting back your ex. It is meant for the betterment of you.
Another thing we tend to overlook is the way we treat our ex. We tend to view them not as human beings but as slaves who will agree to get back with us. They are human beings with reasoning capacity. They rationalize. They contemplate. They analyze and evaluate. They make choices and decisions. You will have to realize if you want to get back your ex for genuine reasons she should also be on the same scale with you. It has to be out of free will.
Using No Contact to get back your ex is a form of manipulation. It is a deceptive technique to use. You are playing cards. You are playing with your ex’s mind even if your reasons are genuine. After the break up give each other space to digest what happened. Afterwards, find the right time, and possibly the right place, to talk with her about working out the failed relationship. If she agrees, well and good. If not, don’t force. Give your ex some time. Tell her so. Tell her you are expecting her answer whether you should try to work it out or each on his and her own path.
Of course, the Internet is full of step-by-step guides on how to get back your ex using No Contact rule. It looks easy but we know it is easier said than done. It is not easy to use this rule to get back your ex. It is complex. Remember, you are dealing with an adult with reasoning capacity. Furthermore, it is a rule not a fact-book. It is not a rule that works one hundred percent and all the time.
In fact, No Contact does not aid in getting back your ex. The factors which have been listed in this article are the ones which determine whether exes can get together or not. Relying on No Contact to get back your ex is a false hope to depend upon. No Contact only works a hundred percent if you use it to reap personal benefits, not trying to get back your ex.
Therefore, as complex as relationships are so it is difficult trying to get back an ex. It is never easy. This is why it is advised it is better to close the door to your ex and move on. You can be friends with your ex. There is nothing wrong in being friends with your ex as long as you’re not platonic friends, only casual friends. On the contrary, when you reignite the flame, you never know if the flame will light on for long or something will make it to light off again leading to darkness, this time total darkness.
No Contact aids in the commencement of the healing process. The healing process will enable you not to experience the negative emotions at their greater intensity. This will result to reduction of emotional pain. This in turn leads to being able to think clearly by judging the failed relationship not only looking at the positive side of the failed relationship but also on the negative side. Once you end the No Contact you will have turned out a different man. You will not appear needy or desperate. You will respect yourself and you will have learned which areas in your life to improve.
After ending No Contact, if you want to get back your ex you will not appear desperate, needy or lonely whereby the hurtful emotions will be your guide. This will be an advantage. Your ex will see you are a different person. Whether she accepts to get back with you or not, you’ll not crumble down. You will raise your head high knowing you will get another ‘new’ love if your ex refuses to reunite with you.
Per se, don’t use No Contact for the sole reason of wanting to get back your ex. It may backfire unless you are playing cards to see whether it will work or not.