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Gay, Straight I Don’t Care Who You’re Sleeping With I Just Want To Know What You Do With The Fourth Arm?

Updated on May 9, 2011

Okay so this is yet another one of those entries that most people would advise me against. They would say, “Ask your friends or something but no one wants to read about that on your website.” These are the EXACT statements that always make me want to write a blog immediately. So here it is, maybe it’s not the answer to the BP oil spill or who will win Dancing With The Stars this season but I have to know. Gay, straight, I don’t care who you’re sleeping with I just want to know what you do with the fourth arm? – Don’t Get Me Started!

As those of you that read this blog know, I have been with the same man in a completely monogamous relationship for the past twenty-one years now so I’m more than a little embarrassed that in all this time I have not been able to figure this one out. I don’t know if I had possibly had multiple partners or something if I would have created a larger research data base or what but this is where you come in.

In most couples there are two sets of arms, right? So when you’re in bed together and you’re getting all cozy and snuggly, invariably there is one arm that gets in the way of everything, right? You can slip down the body of the person you’re next to, laying your head on the other person’s chest and clamp your arm closest to their body to your side but it won’t be long before you suddenly feel as though you may never move that arm again if you don’t move it. Position change! Or you can put your arm under the pillow of your partner but if you’re both facing up, this is going to be even more uncomfortable for you as we know the head is the heaviest part of the body (in most cases). Position change! You could try the whole letting your partner be “Sunny Side Up” and you laying on your stomach with one arm across them but circulation is not going to be your friend and it won’t be long before you feel like you could shoot up without a tourniquet. For those of you reading this thinking that “spooning” (the art of both laying facing the same direction lying like two spoons in a drawer) is the answer I can tell you that there’s still going to be one arm in the way no matter if you go under your partner’s head or once again try the clamping it to your side technique. In some respects I think this answers the age old question of exactly why the dish ran away with the spoon. The dish was trying to save the spoon’s life from lying next to the other spoons!

Over the years I’ve tried everything I know with my limbs flying akimbo trying to find the perfect position but alas, like knowing how to use a compass or how anyone sits through an entire Matthew McConaughey movie it’s beyond my comprehension. (He should just stick to having his shirt off in People magazine as a career…oh wait, isn’t that his whole career at this point anyway?)

Now for those who will write to me telling me that any of my above positions are just the perfect thing for you and your mate I’m going to ask you to answer the next question, for how long is that position going to work for you? Sure I can do a bunch of positions thanks to my years of dance and being limber but when I have to hold my right foot on red and my left arm on green it won’t be long before I’m begging someone to spin the spinner so that I can move my left arm again before we fall in our nightly game of Twister. Gay, straight, I don’t care who you’re sleeping with I just want to know what you do with the fourth arm? – Don’t Get Me Started!



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    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      ladyjane - thanks!And please let me know what you come up with!

    • ladyjane1 profile image

      ladyjane1 7 years ago from Texas

      What a funny hub and something that I have to admit never thought of. But I will give it some thought and I didn't know about this Oprah thing so I will vote for you, you def deserve it. Cheers.

    • somelikeitscott profile image

      somelikeitscott 7 years ago from Las Vegas

      EA - Thank you, thank you, thank you. I really have always wondered if the whole fourth arm thing was just a me thing. Good to know. And maybe it does have to do with the shoulders now that you mention.

      Thanks for voting on the Oprah website. I'm far behind the leaders in the votes/clicks department but I'm hoping that if I get enough it will be enough to get me noticed. Feel free to vote as many times as you like - I've got until July 3rd to become "popular!"

      Thanks again for the support!

    • Earth Angel profile image

      Earth Angel 7 years ago

      Too funny Scott!!

      GREAT Hub!! Not at all what I expected to read!! Alas, my mind immediately went sexual and thought this "fourth arm" was a new euphanism!! (I've been celibate way too long!!)

      Nope, no amount of revolving partners would have solved the mystery any better!! You are correct; there is always an extra arm in the way of holding your beloved partner all night!!

      Or maybe it's not the arm in the way; we figure out how to make it work with four legs?? Maybe it's our shoulders? Maybe it's more weight in our upper bodies!?? (Not in mine of couse, my weight is south of the border!!)

      You sooooooooooooooooo deserve your own Oprah Network Show!! I voted!! I hope everyone here at HubPages votes for you, too!!

      You are just the BEST!!

      Blessings always, Earth Angel!!