- Gender and Relationships»
Getting past the impassable
Visualize your way to a healthier future
About two years ago I caught my husband in a lie. Not just any lie. It was a ginormously, huge, hurtful, devastating lie.
I was totally floored by the realization that he hid something from me for over a year. Not just that he hid the truth but that he was able to look me in the eye every day, knowing that he was being deceitful.
It literally made me sick to know that he so easily went on with his life. That he could lay in bed beside me every night and not want to spill the beans to me.
I found out quite by accident (good old social media). Even after I had hard evidence, my husband still tried to downplay the extent of it. I told him just to stop talking. I didn't want the deceit to continue.
He apologized over and over and promised me that he would never lie to me again. He was extra attentive and loving toward me to show that he was being genuine. It wasn't enough for me.
After several weeks of me being cold toward him, we had a major blowout. I was still feeling hurt, insecure and had lost trust in him. He was frustrated after trying so hard to be reassuring only to be met with resistance. We hit a major roadblock in our relationship.
I made plans to meet with a person who mentored me in all things marriage and personal development. I wanted to hash out my feelings and figure out, with her help, what the next step should be. Would I stay and fight for my marriage or would I leave and start over?
We met in her cozy office so that we could have an uninterrupted, quiet place to go over the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. She very bluntly said that him and I worked so hard to get through our past issues that it would be silly to quit over nonsense.
I was incredulous over her putting my feelings down as nothing. I was heartbroken for goodness sake! Then she told me a story that put everything into perspective.
She is an amazing woman. She is one of those super successful, go-getter types. At one point in her life, she decided she wanted to learn to fly airplanes.
On one of her flights with the instructor she hired, she flew to an altitude of 5,000 feet. She felt something was off and began to look around. It was then that she realized the door to the small plane she was flying was slightly ajar.
She couldn't leave the controls but she fixated on the partially open door. She focused so much attention on it that she was losing sight of her main priority; completing her flight and making a safe landing.
Her instructor pulled her back to reality and said, "Look, you can focus on that minor inconvenience and risk an all-out crash and burn or you can acknowledge that it's a problem but keep your eyes and mind where they belong, which is staying alive. The open door is unnerving but not something so serious that you should leave the controls over."
She told me that my husband's lie was just like that open door. I could stay in control and give the positive part of my marriage attention, or I could leave the controls to try to fix what wasn't right and risk losing it all.
I urge any of you reading to stay at the controls. Recognize a lie, infidelity, a bad argument, etc.. as a temporary inconvenience. But don't let it be at the forefront of your thoughts.
When something bad happens, it's up to us to decide where we will place our focus.
I chose to listen to my friend's advice and focus on how far my husband and I had come in our marriage. And as a result, we have never been happier.
Is the hurt still there? Sometimes, yes. But when those feelings flare up, I make a conscious decision not to pay attention to them.
It was a one-time doozy of a lie. But in the grand timeline of our marriage, it will be nothing compared to the countless good times we will experience together.