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Getting your Husband to Talk- Conversations He Will Love

Updated on December 18, 2011

One frustration that many women have is how to get their husband to talk. Let's face it, men have a hard time coming up with creative things to talk about. I know that at the end of my work day I am all talked out and have nothing else to say. It actually makes my head hurt trying to come up with a good conversation. The feelings of frustration build inside of me as I desperately try to come up with a good conversation with my wife. Here, you will find some ideas to help you connect further with your husband as you try to get him to talk. These are things I learned from my wife. Too, maybe some men reading this can gain some insight too into what I have learned.

Why Men Struggle to Talk

While many men are good at holding a good conversation, many men struggle to talk and really open up. Following are a few reasons why men struggle to open up and talk.

1. They were taught to be that way

One reason men don't open up is that they don't know how. They have been taught by society and their fathers to stay closed up. One major reason for this is television. My father's generation was raised on television, they then raised us on television. With the advent of television came the freezing of family connection. Families no longer sat in a room and talked. Instead, they stared at a box and let the box do the talking for them. Fast forward to today, you now have a generation of men who have no skill to hold a conversation.

2. Lack of Confidence

Another reason many men fail to talk to their wives is a lack of confidence in themselves. So many men feel defeated inside, which leads them to have no confidence that they have anything to contribute. They feel that they have nothing to offer to the world, therefore, why should they even try? This is common among men who were put down or abused growing up, or among men who have been verbally or emotionally beaten down by their wife.

3. Exhaustion

Sometimes, a man can be emotionally, mentally or physically exhausted due to the demands of work and life. The man who has spent a whole day trying to live up to unreasonable expectations by his boss and fellow workers, then facing demands from society as well, can come home beat up and exhausted. He does not have the energy to talk. He wants to escape and just be by himself. To get involved in a conversation would be unthinkable to him.

4. Lack of Connection

Some men do not talk to their wife because of a lack of emotional connection with her. Maybe he has allowed himself to be distracted by other pursuits or he and his wife have drifted apart. No matter the reason, the connection is not there, so conversation with his wife is his last priority.

How to Get your Husband to Open up and Talk

The struggle many women find themselves in how to get their husband to show his feelings and talk about what is on his mind. Following are some suggestions to get him to start talking.

1. Talk about things that interest him

You don't want to create conversations based on trivial things that he does not care about. You want to grab his attention. So, talking about his interests will lead him to eventually want to talk about your interests. Things such as sports, time with other guys, hunting, fishing are what grab most men's attention. Most men do not want to go over again what happened at work unless it was a great accomplishment. If you don't know much about the things that interest him, learn about it. My wife could care less about football, but I love it. So, she asks me questions about various aspects of football, so she can learn. She gets excited when my team wins. This gets my attention and gets me talking.

2. Don't talk about things that makes him feel defeated

Often, when you want to talk about your relationship with your husband, he will put up a wall. Why does he do this? Because he feels defeated as a husband. To talk about the relationship, even in a positive way is to remind him of his failures. So, if you want to get him talking about the relationship, you should just praise him for the good he does, and let him know that if he ever wants to talk about things that it's okay, and that you won't hound him.

3. Don't be judgmental

Men do not want to appear before a judges bench when they talk to their wife. They need a friend who will listen. It is not easy being a man in today's culture. We need all the positive reinforcement we can get. What your man wants from you is for you to listen without judgment. He needs to know it's okay to be open and share his feelings without consequences. You may have to remind him of this repeatedly before he actually opens up. Don't just sit down and tell him it's okay to open up then expect him to immediately start talking. It will take time for him to figure out that he can trust you.

4. Have fun talks with him

It is really easy to get into a habit of always being serious in your conversations. You don't always have to be fixing a problem or bringing something to his attention. It's okay to just have fun. Talk about fun things. Make him laugh. Let him joke around with you and make you laugh. Then, when the moments come that you have to talk seriously he will be okay with that because he will be talking to his friend that he has fun with. Men talk a lot to other men because they joke around a lot. It's fun to talk to other men because the conversation doesn't have to be so heavy to get your point across. Then, when the moment comes that a man has to share his thoughts with another man, it comes naturally because they have had so any good times together. Too, they have shared life together at work and play, so talking is a natural thing to do. Share life with your husband. Don't be his mother, be his friend.

5. Let him be free

When men feel trapped they will close up as a defense for survival. When they feel like they are not free to be themselves for fear of judgment and consequences then they will not share their heart with you. Men love freedom. When your husband feels that he is free and that you support him and love him no matter what, then he is more likely to open up and share his thoughts and struggles with you. This won't be easy for you to let him be, but the reward will be well worth it.

Some more insights


Talking together as a couple can be a strain. If you have been together for a long time it can get really difficult to hold conversations. It's like we run out of things to talk about. But it doesn't have to be this way. I encourage you to look back over the suggestions in this article and if you put them into practice you will begin to notice a difference in your man that will make for pleasing conversations that bring the two of you closer together.


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    • Michael Davis profile image

      Michael Davis 6 years ago

      wantinglove- This is very difficult what you are going through. Just know first of all that you are not alone. Many men and women are facing the same thing.

      First, from a woman's perspective, you are wanting a quick fix. That is just not going to happen. It will take time to work through all this. Give it time and be patient. You may want to work through the Love Dare, a book that is part of the movie, Fireproof

      Second, from a man's perspective, he is probably feeling hurt, confused and guilty. So, his not wanting to talk is a defense mechanism, because talking reminds him of the wrong he has done. So, be patient with him, but don't just drop the whole thing.

      His talking to her still is hard to deal with. He does have an emotional connection with her and that is going to be hard for him to break.

      the best thing you can do is come down on his side. Let him know that you understand his struggle and that you want to be there to help him through it.

    • profile image

      wantinglove 6 years ago

      What a road it has been since last writing. My husband ended up coming back a couple days ago. He said he ended up realizing his love for me and wanted to try to make things work. THey did have sex and lived with each other and that hurts so deeply. I am trying to work through all of this, but he gets upset with me if I try to work on our relationship. He wants to just act like it never happened. I am hurting inside. I love him so much and willing to work on it, but he gets highly defensive and upset if I ask questions and if I try to check and make sure the two of them are still not communicating. I have found out that they talked when he had told me he hadn't. I want it to work, but how can we have a real relationship if he isn't being truthful and still talking to her? How should I approach this with him not willing to talk? How can I get my needs, fears, and trust back in order if he isn't willing to talk? Is there something I should be doing? Should I approach him a certain way so that he doesn't get so upset when I try to talk or should I just not talk about these things right now?

    • Michael Davis profile image

      Michael Davis 6 years ago

      wantinglove- i'm so sorry to hear this has happened. If you need further help feel free to email me.

    • profile image

      wantinglove 6 years ago

      Thank you for writing this article since I asked you to write it. I wish I could tell you that things are going great for us and this article will be a great help, but my husband ended up leaving me a few days ago. He said it was too late for us. When I thought things were getting better, he said he was just trying to make me happy. He finally confessed that even though his intentions were good in the beginning, he was helping a co-worker with some of her struggles, they ended up being friends, finding out they have a lot in common and now he is emotionally attached to her. He said they never had sex, but he can talk and have fun with her. I am at such a loss. I was really making efforts to change, trying to show him I could change and he could trust me, but he says it is too late and too much damage done. I don't know what to do. I want him back, but he already moved out and won't answer my calls or texts. He doesn't seem to realize that he wasn't perfect either. It wasn't one sided, but he blames me for everything and compares me to her. I don't know if you can help me, but I have learned some valuable lessons through this experience and your articles. They have taught me quite a bit, just wish I could have saved our marriage.