What the heck... I'm still crying?
What the heck? I'm still crying after two weeks.
He was a fantasy. A mere internet fling who never even gave me his home address or phone number. I called him at his work number. When his co-worker left for her lunch break. I was "the other woman." But I didn't care (at the time).
He let me know that his wife had shut herself off to him for over six years. When I told him I couldn't communicate with him anymore, knowing he's married, he said he "might throw up" he was so sick to think I couldn't be there for him in his darkest hour. As a recovering (and failing) love addict, and admitted co-dependent, I knew in my heart I could not turn my back on this man in his time of need. So I continued to email him. Against my better judgment. To my demise.
So here I am, after over two weeks after he emailed me with a brief, "I can no longer communicate with you." My eyes sting from the tears of grief for losing my partner. The man who said he would be here for me through my most darkest moments, lightening my burden. He vowed to show my son how to be a man. My daughters would have a hero to protect them from the wolves that might show up at our door to court them. He promised he would never leave. He promised he would always be here for me.
Forever and always. Lies.
I am still in shock, and confused. I have no closure. Here I grasp, on the edge of this cliff, wondering what the heck happened that I'm here dangling to the rocks. Everything I felt was so real. My feelings were granted and approved by my one and only knight in shining armor. But I made the mistake of allowing another woman's knight to enter my life.
So, my bad.
Take heed other foolish lovers: you can have the best intentions for love, and maybe your prospect is sincere in what he or she promises, but without a true heart, free and clear of outside static, you are just a victim in the making. Tonight, my eyes sting bittersweet...
When I began to communicate with my "soul mate," I asked him one thing: to look up into the sky at night, and enjoy the moonlight. It would be as bright and captivating in states far away, as it was for me here in the "sunshine state." He agreed.
With his days spent pondering over "bullshit with flowers on top," I too, was there with him, feeling the nymphs, gnawing at his feet, trying to get the best of him. There are great moments ahead for both of us, I assured him. We had just spent a lifetime catering to others with the best intentions, hoping that God would see our sacrifices and reward us with our just desserts. It was our time now, to have the best moments shared with each other. We, if anyone, would be able to appreciate the depth of love and caring we could provide. He wanted to wash my hair like in "Legends of the Fall." I wanted to give him my soul, devotion, whatever I could to prove that this was real, like the tears that fell when he disappeared.
He was my apple pie. With whipped cream on top.
But none forever more.
Here I cry, and have my eyes sting, and wonder why life is so messed up. I did everything right. (Up until I continued messaging a married man). We both did. Please let some sign show the way that it has not been in vain. I have so much love to give, and yet, it falls into the stream of nothingness, flowing down creeks of bitter stone and sand.
End of rant.
Please look forward to the rest of your day. I wish only the best success to all my readers and beyond. If you have any "success stories" or words of wisdom you'd like to share, please feel free to contact me. Carpe Diem.