Girls Night Sucks
So You're Having a Girls' Night
Men are fairly predictable in their tastes, so much so that it irritates the crap out of me. I'm fairly certain the word "debauchery" was coined to describe what men do when they are sequestered with their crew. And that is, things that are intentionally irresponsible. This could range from gambling to ice skating on a half frozen rink to getting together with a bunch of guys and speaking as crudely as possible. A great example of men's attitudes when around a peer group is "The Hangover," which although harmful and irresponsible, acquires the level of recklessness that men aspire to.
Your Opinion on Girls Night/ Guys Night
Do you believe having "girls' night/ guys night" at bars/ clubs is helpful for a committed relationship?
Girls' Night Simplex I: The Estrogen Express
Women think they have their boyfriends fooled with girls night. Most of us, however, that don't smoke a pound of weed a day are well aware of the two types of girls nights.
Drawing an apt comparison between girls' nights and herpes, I will refer to the original type of girls night as Simplex 1: the Estrogen Express. Much like Herpes Simplex 1, it is uncomfortable, but not necessarily permanently damaging or threatening to those around you. In fact, it's part of what makes women chilled out for you later.
The patient begins to experience boredom with your unisex activities and complains about you spending time with your wolfpack. She begins ordering more dessert, especially loaded with chocolate syrup, and enjoys catch phrases about "treating yourself." She might ask you to accompany her on activities she already knows you don't care about, like spa day. "Isn't that cute," "can we get a puppy," and affectionate nicknames like "schnookums" become frequently used expressions. Cold temperature is evident: she frequently changes into pajamas for no apparent reason and huddles under every blanket that you own. Once it reaches a critical level, she may turn off your ESPN or Comedy Central without any warning.
Girls Night Simplex I can only subside through breaking the fever, meaning she has to get together with her girlfriends. She has to do one of those weird XX chromosome bonding rituals/ sleepovers, where girls get together and wear hideous creams on their faces and watch estrogen infused comedies (Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig). Really fruity wine will be consumed. Risk of serious weight gain is a side effect (consumption of baked goods and ice cream). This is where they tell each other everything you told them not to tell anyone else, so be forewarned.
Outlook: These are activities that are benign in nature, and stuff that you've been trying to avoid anyway. Boyfriends should always encourage this type of interaction, as it frees us up to enjoy things that the ladies wouldn't like.
A Description of Girls Night Simplex I
Estrogen Express: Enjoy it, Ladies
Girls Night Simplex II: WOOOO! WOOOOOOOO!
Much like Herpes Simplex II, Girls Night Simplex II is spread through intimacy, is painful, and causes permanent damage. The burning you're feeling isn't in your pants, though. This time, it's in your brain, and your heart.
Symptoms: Your girl will begin by being secretive, like a satanic squirrel hiding devil nuts. You'll hear whispering between her and her girlfriends, and will turn around to see them smiling at you like the possessed people in the Zoloft commercials. She switches up on you, demanding that you hang out with your buddies. She may constantly remind you how much she trusts you, and pays for things that you typically always cover. Simplex II works by first putting you at a deficit and making sure that you owe her a fat stack of favors. Then, at 7:00 on Friday, she tells you she's going out tonight.
You know the girls that work your nerves when you're out with your friends? Typical set up is a bunch of women wandering around in evening dresses but cursing like sailors. A chorus of "WOOOO!" breaks out for no apparent reason. One definitely is wearing some kind of crown or sash, and shouting loudly "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BUY ME A DRINK." Like starved hyenas, every Tom, Dick, Richard, and Dick descend on the unsuspecting prey. It is a vicious, no-holds barred grind-a-thon as everyone in da club gets down like a wildebeest in a competition for free shots from a vaguely European car salesman named Gus. But your girlfriend isn't there, is she?
Wrong, bro. And you know it.
Resolution: Girls Night Simplex II must run it's course, usually with a 5 am incoherent telephone call. If it has, in fact, run its course there will be several mumbled apologies mixed in. Try not to stare at your phone all night. The best medicine for Girls Night Simplex II is abstinence: don't date anyone from 20-30 or date a church girl (well, some church girls). If not, treat with a steady dose of indifference, and it may burn itself out.
Innocent Until Proven Guilty
Most men I know have been in both of these situations, and almost all of the time Simplex II is either minimized or flat out denied by the girl in question.
Would you brag about Simplex II to your friends and family? Me neither.
I in no way advocate for paranoia, confrontation, or control in relationships. I also would never suggest that every woman falls into this mold. However, you ladies forget...
The sleazy men who are buying you shots?
We may have been that guy a few months before we met you. And we remember what happened when we called you the next day, and when you didn't pick up, and when we heard through the grapevine that you had a man the entire time.
Gentlemen, just remember: make sure you know what type of Herpes the ladies night is before you treat it. It may be totally innocent. However, it is also possible that the anxiety that keeps you staring at your Iphone for texts that you never heard, is because you already know.