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Girls Night Sucks

Updated on July 26, 2013
All the Single Ladies...Oh No.
All the Single Ladies...Oh No. | Source

So You're Having a Girls' Night

Men are fairly predictable in their tastes, so much so that it irritates the crap out of me. I'm fairly certain the word "debauchery" was coined to describe what men do when they are sequestered with their crew. And that is, things that are intentionally irresponsible. This could range from gambling to ice skating on a half frozen rink to getting together with a bunch of guys and speaking as crudely as possible. A great example of men's attitudes when around a peer group is "The Hangover," which although harmful and irresponsible, acquires the level of recklessness that men aspire to.





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Girls' Night Simplex I: The Estrogen Express

Women think they have their boyfriends fooled with girls night. Most of us, however, that don't smoke a pound of weed a day are well aware of the two types of girls nights.

Drawing an apt comparison between girls' nights and herpes, I will refer to the original type of girls night as Simplex 1: the Estrogen Express. Much like Herpes Simplex 1, it is uncomfortable, but not necessarily permanently damaging or threatening to those around you. In fact, it's part of what makes women chilled out for you later.

Symptoms:

The patient begins to experience boredom with your unisex activities and complains about you spending time with your wolfpack. She begins ordering more dessert, especially loaded with chocolate syrup, and enjoys catch phrases about "treating yourself." She might ask you to accompany her on activities she already knows you don't care about, like spa day. "Isn't that cute," "can we get a puppy," and affectionate nicknames like "schnookums" become frequently used expressions. Cold temperature is evident: she frequently changes into pajamas for no apparent reason and huddles under every blanket that you own. Once it reaches a critical level, she may turn off your ESPN or Comedy Central without any warning.

Cure:

Girls Night Simplex I can only subside through breaking the fever, meaning she has to get together with her girlfriends. She has to do one of those weird XX chromosome bonding rituals/ sleepovers, where girls get together and wear hideous creams on their faces and watch estrogen infused comedies (Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig). Really fruity wine will be consumed. Risk of serious weight gain is a side effect (consumption of baked goods and ice cream). This is where they tell each other everything you told them not to tell anyone else, so be forewarned.

Outlook: These are activities that are benign in nature, and stuff that you've been trying to avoid anyway. Boyfriends should always encourage this type of interaction, as it frees us up to enjoy things that the ladies wouldn't like.


A Description of Girls Night Simplex I

Estrogen Express: Enjoy it, Ladies

Source

Girls Night Simplex II: WOOOO! WOOOOOOOO!

Much like Herpes Simplex II, Girls Night Simplex II is spread through intimacy, is painful, and causes permanent damage. The burning you're feeling isn't in your pants, though. This time, it's in your brain, and your heart.

Symptoms: Your girl will begin by being secretive, like a satanic squirrel hiding devil nuts. You'll hear whispering between her and her girlfriends, and will turn around to see them smiling at you like the possessed people in the Zoloft commercials. She switches up on you, demanding that you hang out with your buddies. She may constantly remind you how much she trusts you, and pays for things that you typically always cover. Simplex II works by first putting you at a deficit and making sure that you owe her a fat stack of favors. Then, at 7:00 on Friday, she tells you she's going out tonight.

Progression:

You know the girls that work your nerves when you're out with your friends? Typical set up is a bunch of women wandering around in evening dresses but cursing like sailors. A chorus of "WOOOO!" breaks out for no apparent reason. One definitely is wearing some kind of crown or sash, and shouting loudly "IT'S MY BIRTHDAY BUY ME A DRINK." Like starved hyenas, every Tom, Dick, Richard, and Dick descend on the unsuspecting prey. It is a vicious, no-holds barred grind-a-thon as everyone in da club gets down like a wildebeest in a competition for free shots from a vaguely European car salesman named Gus. But your girlfriend isn't there, is she?

Wrong, bro. And you know it.

Resolution: Girls Night Simplex II must run it's course, usually with a 5 am incoherent telephone call. If it has, in fact, run its course there will be several mumbled apologies mixed in. Try not to stare at your phone all night. The best medicine for Girls Night Simplex II is abstinence: don't date anyone from 20-30 or date a church girl (well, some church girls). If not, treat with a steady dose of indifference, and it may burn itself out.

Oh, It Burns: The Incubation of Girls Night Simplex II
Oh, It Burns: The Incubation of Girls Night Simplex II | Source

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

Most men I know have been in both of these situations, and almost all of the time Simplex II is either minimized or flat out denied by the girl in question.

Would you brag about Simplex II to your friends and family? Me neither.

I in no way advocate for paranoia, confrontation, or control in relationships. I also would never suggest that every woman falls into this mold. However, you ladies forget...

The sleazy men who are buying you shots?

We may have been that guy a few months before we met you. And we remember what happened when we called you the next day, and when you didn't pick up, and when we heard through the grapevine that you had a man the entire time.

Gentlemen, just remember: make sure you know what type of Herpes the ladies night is before you treat it. It may be totally innocent. However, it is also possible that the anxiety that keeps you staring at your Iphone for texts that you never heard, is because you already know.

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    • Efficient Admin profile image

      Efficient Admin 3 years ago from Charlotte, NC

      Too Hilarious! I'm glad I'm not in my 20's anymore!

    • profile image

      Peter 3 years ago

      The whole "Girl" irrational emotionally charged "out of control" thing shouldn't surprize anyone here. Women, girls are wired this way and are subject to be driven completely by their emotions ,while leaving any thinking capacity they may have at the door. This phenomena has been and can be observed over and again (for example)...go to any live music concert ,and there you will see girls falling out on the floor with convulsions ,pulling their shirts off , exposing themselves for all to see , hyperventelating , screaming , trying to rip the clothes off the male performers. This was well documented behavior for girls and women with Elvis Presely and thousands of other events to date..... and proof positive that supposedly "normal" girls , in which we live around on a daily bases ... if given the right place and right time will lose all rationality ,allowing their emotions to completely take over and are subject to do anything at anytime... especially in the company of her other hysterical emotionally driven friends. a woman's friends are her most influential enemies under these conditions.

      Small amounts of this occurrence can be witnessed ...when women get together just around the home to have coffee.. They get louder and louder ,,,they become giddy and start to laugh uncontrollably. It's nothing new ,and YES ! it is completely possible and for a woman who would seemingly never do things she shouldn't while out with "the girls" to lose all control and then regret it later.In these emotionally charged atmospheres ,women feed off each other and lose their ability to think as an individual , giddy, laughing till tears run out of their eyes, Allowing themselves to say or do almost anything.

      Women also have a built in "justification" mechanism ... in any stuation where she was involved in wrongdoing. She may feel guilty for a little while ..but then starts to rationalize ,justify and convince herself what she did was not all that wrong if wrong at all. She knows if she convinces herself to mentally view a wrongdoing a certain way ... it won't seem so bad ... and with the help of ALL her friends she will be fully convinced by the time she leaves that she in fact did nothing and even feel a sense of entitlement, while never applying the same deceptive logic ,if she found out her husband or boyfriend were doing the exact same thing. In most cases ... the woman will hype herself up into an emotional frenzy to the point where she secretly blames her husband or boyfriend for her actions. This is just how far the

      "justification" process will get out of hand. If she lies to herself long enough , she will start believing herself... opening the door for more transgressions in the future with the "girls"

      Once the justification process is in effect ... if the woman slips back and starts to feel regret or remorse for her actions .... she will have an army of women at her disposal to support her and continue to convince her that her actions were NOT wrong and that the worst thing she could do is be honest with her husband.

      So as you can see ...a woman is perfectly capable of doing anything and everything that she would never ever forgive her husband or boyfriend of doing ,just by using a little justification and self deception and the backing of a small army of other women supporting her along the way.

    • Leslie Ramos profile image

      Leslie Ramos 17 months ago from Denver, Colorado

      I remember those days!!

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