- Gender and Relationships
Giving Up On Dating...Again?
Giving up on dating...again? To be straight up I am not giving up on dating and casual intimacy because I am a prude, but I just grew tired of the whole thing. A few years ago I felt so undateable because I was not getting asked out much, so I just retreated into my world of staying at home during the nights with a stimulating documentary or a book. My friends told me I was being too negative at a young age, and that I was attractive and had a good personality. So they encouraged me to get back out there, and I decided to do that for another year. I have gone on dates with about twenty men this year, and pretty much all of these ended up with the men who just wanted a little "comfort". I am no angel in that I did go all the way with a couple of those guys, but I see no point in continuing down a road where men just want a little something-something out of me. Some of the acquaintances who feel holier than thou preach about how they draw the line in the sand, and thus they are married to men who would never cheat on them. Talk about awkward when one such woman had a husband who tried to confide in me about how there was a "lack of intimacy in the marriage," and how he thought maybe we could come to "some sort of arrangement". I told him that was ridiculous as he was married, and I have had nothing more to do with this couple since the incident. However, I always shake my head when women talk about how their husbands would never cheat on them, and that woman who are single in their thirties must be doing something wrong if they are simply approached by a series of men who just want ice cream pops from the truck for free. Yes, women are getting their wild thing on more these days and cheating on their husbands, but by and far it is men who still have a horrible track record for this. I see no point of dating if it is all about the jolly side adventures. I want a connection with a real person, I want it to be strong, I want it to be amazing, but I am just not sure that is something I will ever find.
Cheating And The Line In The Sand
In our culture they always talk about the fallen woman, and how the woman leads a man astray with her provocative clothing and gestures. Men are never condemned for wearing tight fitting gym shorts, but a mother might scold her eighteen year old daughter for wearing a slightly revealing running outfit. Yes we have equal rights now and woman have more freedom than ever before, but when are we going to stop giving men the benefit of the doubt over women. Even groups of women will disparage a woman who comes across as a temptress, and they will often make snarky comments to single women who cannot seem to make it in the dating world. So maybe I have just arrived at the conclusion I find this all the be a snooze fest.
At 30 I was a bit frazzled by the prospects of always being single as everyone in my circle was married and talked about their anniversaries and romantic trips, but I just have grown bored of it. I am not a person who seems headed down the path of meeting the person I have a very strong connection with, and I am not going to just date a series of okay guys who look at porn, and think a little something something is fun. Do not get me wrong, I have nothing against men or women watching porn, but sometimes it is just more interesting to go on a hike or something. I find it monumentally unfair that women do not support their fellow sisters more. Maybe you should hold that cheating husband just as accountable as the mistress, and maybe you should stop equating single women who never find a guy to settle down with a tantamount to being home-wreckers. Maybe you just happened to be more lucky because you found a guy who committed to you early on, and do not assume he has never cheated on you. The ones who talk smugly about how they draw lines in the sand and expect their husbands to remain faithful might be surprised to find they have a guy who sneaks on them behind their back. Maybe not all the time, but I have seen a few cases where that is the case. I admire those rare and strong connective relationships where you know two people would never cheat on each other because they care that much about the other one, not because of some make believe line in the sand.
Are Childless/Single People Less Than?
Are childless/single people less than? One man sort of never really engaged me in social interaction again when I revealed I did not have kids. Now he only says hi to me, but I guess I am just not an interesting person since I never got married, and I never had kids. Yes, I understand marriage and kids are a very large part of most people's lives in our society, but those of us who do not get married and/or who do not have kids still can have fulfilling lives. However, because I write this I will of course get a comment from some guy telling me that I am a deluded and bitter old maid, and that if I just had a "man around the house," maybe I would be happier.
However, I am writing about this because more than ever people are putting off marriage until later in life, and some men and women will never have kids. Are we supposed to feel our lives have diminished value just because we cannot share photos of our kids? Sure, most people do not write off childless single people like that, but there will be times that you are excluded from a lot of social interactions because you never reached these mile-stones.
When I was in high school I had this brilliant teacher who connected with her students, but she had one slacker in her class who acted out and refused to complete assignments. One day I walked into class a bit early, and I overheard a parent teacher conference between the boy's father and the teacher, and he had the audacity to tell her she did not understand his son because she never had kids of her own. At the time and now I feel this is monumentally unfair that childless and single people can be so easily dismissed. If you do not have children of your own, you can still be an amazing role model for other people's kids, or you can adopt if you really want to help all those kids in the world who do not have parents.
When will our society stop judging those who do not fit into to certain expected categories? When will our society stop poking fun at the old cat lady, but idolizing old playboy bachelors? It will probably take a long time, but at the end of the day, you just have to learn to be happy with your own status. When you are single and decided to stop dating, or decide not to have kids, there will be many people who do not get you. There are some people who might have liked to have got married or have kids, but maybe they were just not in the right place at the right time. I believe the bias against others in this regard is changing a bit as more people are choosing to remain single, or realizing that divorce is very likely in the best of marriages, so eventually these bygone attitudes will dissipate. However, it will take awhile for this to transpire, and in the mean time we all have to learn to silence those around us a bit by just taking a walk and enjoying this particular time in our lives. My life is committed to going on new hikes this spring, and I feel a relief to be out of the dating scene.....again.