- Gender and Relationships
Giving in or giving up
A question of self
Let me begin in saying I'm no expert, at least in the traditional sense of having a bachelor's, or master's degree; let alone doctorate in the mental health field, but then again outside of statistics, or clinical study who is?
Even then, the advice we might receive about changing behaviors in our lives are not the same for each of us.
This is where I'll begin then and I am adding real life experience with fictitious material in order to protect identities.
A mother sells her body; not to support her children, rather to support her crack cocaine addiction.
A medical professional, who suffers prolonged bouts of depression and general anxiety disorder, reverts to the destructive use and abuse of painkillers and loses the job she worked so hard to find and keep.
A man with schizophrenia, a father of four, loses his will to go on with life and commits suicide.
These are just some of the hard cases represented here today, we have probably known, or will witness similar ones in our own lives. The day to day struggles are a matter of past trauma, association with others who have similar self-destructive tendencies and/or genetic predispositions for such behavior. My standing in all this is not trying to explain why people have the addictions, or bad decision making skills, neither is it my position to try and explain how to treat those who have these issues, my reason for writing this hub is to try and help others deal with those who have these disorders.
I am the product of a broken relationship and I have and I still am dealing with such self-destructive behavior in my life, not in my life as a personal issue, but in a relative circle.
Have you ever had someone lie to you, in your face, repeatedly? What was your first reaction? Mine was that of anger and generally I could have controlled my emotions, but this was someone and is someone close, very close to me. Now, as has been my behavior in the past when I have lost my cool, I will seek to render an apology and reconcile any differences I have with another. But this time, was not the first time and I was justified in my disappointment with this person's actions, especially since we have a relationship based on trust and that trust had been repeatedly assaulted and broken through lies and deceit.
Herein lies the dilemma, do I cut my losses and opt out of this relationship, or do I stand by and continue on my course of administering discipline in the hope of change and when I say discipline I don't mean hateful, spiteful or controlling, I mean in a loving not wanting to see a person do harm to themselves, or others discipline.
Have you ever been married? Well I am and here is something I apply to all relationships, it comes from a wedding vow; "for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish" and as the end, "till death do us part".
This was borrowed from the Book of Common Prayer http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Common_Prayer
There is only one truth in these relationships; no one can force another to change, think about that for a moment.
The only change that may come about is through ourselves, we can only offer advice, we can only point towards the help being offered, we can't accept the help for them and we can't take those steps for them. They will plead, "I can't do this by myself" and we must be equally steadfast in our reply "I can't do this for you". This is a battle, but if you truly love this person who is struggling, you will not leave them unless they put you, or others in harm's way physically.
Again, I will state that I am not a "medical professional", but I do know what I am talking about because I have and am living it.
I know they will test us from time to time and as was stated by another, we may need to walk away from the relationship, the abuses we endure can become unbearable. I am still willing to stay in mine for reasons I wont elaborate about except one. I made a promise before my God and I intend to keep it. I will not and could not judge anyone else in their decisions, only they and God have that authority.
What about the children that may be in these relationship circles? The unintended victims, those who need an advocate and yet no one seems to come to their rescue, this is the real tragedy. Do you know of anyone in these circumstances and yet you're too afraid to intervene? Then please, find someone who will, I can understand the reluctance to become personally involved, after all even police now respond to calls of domestic violence with back-up. But to those who can respond please do and in haste.