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What Are We? Why You Need to Define that Relationship?

Updated on June 21, 2020
Marissa Raymond profile image

I love writing because it helps me share my knowledge and insights on different issues and also it allows me to help out other people.

Defining Your Relationship or Defining That Relationship (Dtr)

It is important to define the relationship that you are in the moment you realise that things are starting to change and that feelings are beginning to evolve, basically because it helps curbs your expectation. It also helps you to know whether you should even have expectations in the first place, especially when you are at that point that you have started to catch feelings, or you are starting to feel something for this person.
Hence, before you go too far or go too deep with this person and then at the end of the day you find out that you were only dating yourself, you need to define that relationship. Well, except if you are supposed to play this game, where you both never share what you are feeling, the game of who can act nonchalantly while also making the person crazy about you. That game, it's not worth it.
However, if you are the kind of person that likes to date with purpose, and you like to know where exactly a certain relationship is heading and what exactly you are doing, then you defining that relationship or having that conversation might be for you. Whether you are a guy or a girl, take that step to define that relationship.



Why do you DTR?

So then, why do you need to ask such question of what are we? Or defining that relationship.

Here are the reasons why you have to DTR.

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Expectations

It shuts down or elevates your expectation whatever the case maybe depending on what the outcome of that question is. This is because, what you expect from someone that is your boyfriend or girlfriend, you can’t expect the same things from someone that is just a friend.Friends should be accountable to each other but you need to know what you can expect from such a person.

For example, when it is valentine’s day, are you expecting that person to do something with you or get you something nice? or is it we are just friends so we can just chill all by ourselves.
It basically just helps curb expectation. Although, such question might be difficult for you to ask, especially if you are a girl, it could be awkward and make you feel uncomfortable. But at the same time, you don’t want to put yourself in the position that you are in a relationship where you can’t even ask a question that is as simple as ‘what are we?’
It might be uncomfortable but at the end of the day, the person you are asking should be able to make you comfortable enough to ask such a question. That’s the kind of person you would want to date not someone that would keep you on edge every time.

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Peace of mind

It gives you the sense of peace and knowledge every single time you think about your status. You are not thinking of someone else when you go to bed at night to sleep when the person probably doesn’t even give a thought to you in a single day. You also can have this at the back of your mind that you are a free bird and that you can mingle as much as you want until you find the one for you.
Therefore, this helps settle your mind concerning that relationship. Also, defining your relationship is healthy for your friendship. When both of you are on the same page. For instance, in a situation where you are a single lady and you have this cute guy as a friend and you probably have multiple guys around you as friends and you are doing so many things that you could be doing together if you were dating, then it is important for you to know what you are exactly, so that both of you have a peaceful and healthy friendship or relationship. Whatever the case maybe.


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Gives direction and Bridges miscommunication

As difficult as it might seem to ask the question of ‘what are we?’ it is important you do so, mainly because it gives your relationship direction and it puts you both on the same page. It shouldn’t be a situation whereby you are thinking long term and the other person is thinking short term. This is why you have to ask that question today, it gives the direction the relationship is meant to be. That way you don’t get heartbroken when it could have been avoided initially. It puts both of you on the same page, nobody is confused about anything plus there won’t be any form of miscommunication, where one of you begins to say ‘oh, I assumed... I thought... Maybe because we always do this and that together’ there won’t be a need for all of that and there won’t be any form of miscommunication.

You ask a question, you get a clear answer, there is no room for, ‘I’m not yet sure…Maybe…let’s see how it goes’ or any other answers along those lines. You ask the question of 'what are we?' ' What kind of relationship is this?' 'What are we doing?' And you get a clear clean answer that would suffice. Don’t let it go until you are satisfied.

When do you define that relationship?

1. You need to ask such question when you begin to see that person more than just a friend. As soon as you start feeling a certain way about this person and you start to put him or her in a box. Where you are not sure if the person even wants to be in a relationship with you. Then you need to ask the question. Similarly, as soon as you realise you have started to develop feelings for that person, although, that’s a long time to wait before asking such a question, because what happens when the person just sees you as a friend. But if you find yourself in the situation where you are already feeling butterflies in your stomach when this person comes around you but you are still not clear if you are in a relationship with such a person, or you are still not clear of the person’s intention towards you. then you should clear it and just ask the question.


2. When you begin to notice that the person is acting in more than a friendly way, then you need to ask such question.When a guy or a girl is just a friend there are certain things they would do, also when a guy or a girl is more than just a friend, there are certain things they would do or start to do.As soon as you realise this person is buying you gifts, he travels to London and buys you stuffs, saying ‘I saw that and I thought of you, I bought these for you’ and it appears that you are the only one he has eyes for, he comes to your house and doesn’t want to leave, he gets jealous when other guys are all over you and many other signals. As soon as you notice these things and that the person starts to act more than just a friend or a certain way, you need to ask the question. Even if you are not interested in the person, nothing stops you from asking the question, it helps clear things out for that person as well.

3. As soon as it starts getting complicated, like; ‘What are we? We are kinda dating but …I’m not really sure what we are… maybe we are…’ You don’t need all that drama and would not want to be in that situation, therefore as soon as it starts to get that complicated. You gather all the courage you need and pop the question. You could say, ‘You know I was thinking… I just wanted to know, what are we?’ Something along those lines. Whatever you do, just ask. Don’t let anybody trick you into any situation where by you are seeing each other but also seeing other people, its either you are dating each other or you are not dating at all. It’s that simple.

Source

After all, that’s what dating is all about, you date, it doesn’t work out, you break up, you date someone else. Not that you date several people at the same time. You really don’t need all that.

So, you need to define that relationship, if not for anything but for your own peace of mind.

If you are not sure if you want to be with a person then don’t bother dating the person. Don’t waste the person’s time. There is nothing like, ‘let’s just see how it goes.’ At what age! Maybe if you are still sixteen years of age or eighteen you can say that and truly see how it goes but at the age of twenty-eight, thirty! Where you are clearer about your purpose and direction in life. That’s just not something you want to get yourself into. Don’t get caught up in all these exclusivity nonsense, that’s just an easy way to mess around. Dating is already enough work for you to be dating multiple people at the same time. It’s not necessary. Just decide if you like this person enough to date him/her.

Once you have laid down your thoughts and feelings to this other person, you listen to what they have to say and then you can take it up from there. It's either you start a relationship from there or not. At the very least, you will know where you stand and that is the essence of having the DTR conversation.

Comments

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    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      2 weeks ago from Nigeria

      You are absolutely right @ Ink_in_disguise. Thank you for reading and leaving a comment.

    • profile image

      Ink_in_disguise 

      2 weeks ago

      Exactly...The game isn't worth the hazzle... Irrespective of how uncomfortable it might seem, heartbreak from being the only one in a relationship would be much worse.

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      2 months ago from Nigeria

      @Olusegun. Thank you.

    • OGUNDARE OLUSEGUN profile image

      OLUSEGUN 

      2 months ago from NIGERIA

      Great.

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      2 months ago from Nigeria

      @Ollie Cruz, thank you for that affirmation.

    • profile image

      Ollie Cruz 

      2 months ago

      This is good. Undefined relationship lacks purpose and it's kinda a waste of time on both party's side.

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      2 months ago from Nigeria

      @Mercy jay, I'm glad you approve that DTR is the way to go!

    • profile image

      Mercy Jay 

      2 months ago

      Right on sis, undefined relationships are a sure way to disaster. Nice write up.

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      3 months ago from Nigeria

      @Samuel, thank you.

    • profile image

      Samuel 

      3 months ago

      Nice write up

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      3 months ago from Nigeria

      @Tayo, Exactly! Ask a clear question and get a clear answer. For the timing, you can check out that part that says when do you define that relationship; could serve as a guide.

    • profile image

      Tayo 

      3 months ago

      Nice one

      Most people fail to asked theirself this question(what are we).

      The main reason we fail to ask this question in a relationship is because we don't know when to ask the question and we are scared to ask.

      But Its better to ask than to die in silence,Don't leave any room for confusion.

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      3 months ago from Nigeria

      @Giftedhands, I'm glad you approve and our train of thought aligns.

    • profile image

      Giftedhands 

      3 months ago

      I cannot help but to think what you are thinking... Wait, what are you thinking?

      Lovely piece... We are heading the right direction dear, i strongly believe so

    • theraggededge profile image

      Bev G 

      3 months ago from Wales, UK

      Hi there, no need to approve this comment, but your URL is completely different to your title. The URL appears on search engines and when people hover over the title in search results.

      It would be much better if you copied all the text into a brand new article with a correct URL.

      It's never a good idea to recycle a URL as it cannot be changed after publication.

      Good luck... and don't approve this :)

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      3 months ago from Nigeria

      Thank you.@kin-kin

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      3 months ago from Nigeria

      @dashingscorpio, I'm so happy for this clarification. It was as if you read my mind. You are absolutely correct. Never assume! That's the key point. Ask? Have that conversation. You can never go wrong with it. Get a clear answer and know where you stand. I feel like timing is also an essential pointer as to when you have that conversation. I totally agree with everything you said.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      3 months ago from Chicago

      Some people are too scared to have "the talk". They (passively) wait for the other person to bring up the subject of being a couple.

      If it's not worth asking for it's not worth having.

      Don't be a passenger in your own life. Take the wheel!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 

      3 months ago from Chicago

      Excellent advice!

      Timing is also a major factor.

      You don't want to put any pressure on someone you've only had a couple of dates with to commit. Not only can it make you look clingy, possessive, or desperate it may scare them off if you're too serious right away. Truth is it does require an investment of time for you get to truly get to know someone to determine whether or not (they) are someone (you) feel is exclusive relationship material.

      There are two very common mistakes many daters make.

      1. Jumping into exclusive relationships with people they barely know. A large part of dating is doing your due diligence and utilizing your mate selection/screening process to determine {if} he/she has the traits you're looking for in a mate, have chemistry, and whether or not you both desire to have the same thing.

      Dating should also be FUN!

      Some people actually HATE the whole dating/getting to know you process. They want to (fast forward) to exclusivity as soon as possible and work their way backwards trying to get to know the person they've already chosen to commit to.

      That is a bad strategy!

      2. Behaving as if you're in a "exclusive relationship" when there is none! Just because you've been talking on the phone, texting, or emailing frequently and have gone on a couple of dates does not mean you're a "couple". Making assumptions can lead to heartache when one discovers the other person is also dating others.

      If you were looking for a job you wouldn't stop sending out your resume just because you had a couple of great interviews with one company!

      Until an offer has been made and accepted both the company and the candidate are within their rights to "interview" with others. This is especially true if you met them online.

      Anyone with an {active online dating profile} is keeping their options open and so should you! Until there has been a discussion regarding becoming "exclusive" never (assume) that you are.

      Some folks mistake these "situationships" (undefined relationships) as being "exclusive relationships". You have to have "the talk"!

    • profile image

      Kin-Kin 

      3 months ago

      Uhnmn.. Beautiful!!!

    • profile image

      Kin-Kin 

      3 months ago

      Uhnmn.. Beautiful!!!

    • profile image

      Topps 

      3 months ago

      This write-up basically talks about everything a person in any relationship/situation-ship needs to know. Thank you Marissa.

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      3 months ago from Nigeria

      I totally agree with you.

    • Marissa Raymond profile imageAUTHOR

      Marissa 

      3 months ago from Nigeria

      Thank you.

    • profile image

      Gina 

      4 months ago

      DTR it all the way

    • profile image

      Peace 

      4 months ago

      I love this. It's a good one

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