- Gender and Relationships»
- Relationship Problems & Advice
Going Back To Someone Who Abused You: Crazy or Christian?
Thinking with our emotions instead of rationally can lead us to do a great deal of things that will regrettable in the end.
When considering that you have been abused, it is completely normal to be thinking and even feelings irrational. I know personally I lost sight of a lot right after the reality really set in. One moment I wanted to believe that it didn't happen, it was a mistake and that everything was going to be perfectly fine. Then the next I wanted to hurt him as badly as he had hurt me. Neither of those thinking patterns were rational at all and it took me some time and space to really get my thoughts in order.
When we love someone it is extraordinarily hard to let them go even when they have hurt us in horrible ways. The important thing to remember is before you make any major moves you want to be able to do it with a clear head.
Being abused sets a lot of things in motion. It messes with your self esteem and your heart is broken over the events that have occurred. If you still feel there is hope for your marriage, then I can tell you this. There is, but that person has to be 100% willing to change and you have to be 100% willing to remove yourself from the situation to give them the space that they need to do just that.
What Does The Bible Say?
The bible repeats throughout its entire text, forgive. Forgiveness is a big ordeal because if you do not first forgive others for what they have done to you, then God will not forgive you for what you have done.
I firmly believe that no matter what that person has done, the first step towards moving forwards is truly forgiving them for what they have done. It is not easy. It is a process. You at least need to take the time to realize that eventually, this is something that must happen. Either for both of you to move on together and grow, or for you to move on so you no longer remain in a horrible situation.
In terms of divorce, in no certain matter does it explicitly forbid marriage on the terms of abuse. There is even a verse that speaks of infidelity and it being a grounds for divorce in the eyes of God. God hates divorce but I firmly believe that God also hates his children being in situations where they are abused, put down constantly and not treated with the respect that they deserve. God calls a man and wife to love and honor each other, giving respect and growing together. It is not respectful of loving for a spouse to abuse another spouse, nor is it acceptable.
I believe from what I have read, that at first you should separate yourself. Immediately remove yourself from the situation and the abuse. Neither you or your children should witness or endure that. After you have gotten away from it, then it is time to consider your options.
God wants us to forgive those who cause us harm. He also does not intend for marriage to be ended. If your spouse is willing to get the help that they need (anger management classes, counseling, getting involved with church, etc..) then you should try to see where things could go from there. If they have an honest want to change and are showing you that they are willing to, then things could immensely improve and not have to lead to a divorce.
However, if your partner does not wish to change, it is acceptable to walk away. I do not believe God intended us to live out our entire lives in misery being harmed on a regular basis by someone who is suppose to support and protect us.
Are They Willing To Change?
At some point you need to ask yourself, "Are they really willing to change or are they just saying it in order to get me back?"
Putting up a front to get their partner back is something that a lot of abusers commonly do. They will do everything you want and say all of the right things for a short period of time but then everything reverts back to the way it was the moment you get back.
How can you tell the difference between someone who is willing to change and someone who is just saying that they are?
The person who is willing to change will show you. They will put forth effort to do things that they previously did not do. They will not get angry with you or start fights with you over how you still feel about what happened. That spouse will listen to you about you are feeling about everything. It may hurt them, some of the things you have to say, but to the spouse that is willing to change that wont matter, because they know that they hurt you. They will give you your space or be closer to you if that is what you wish. The spouse who is willing to change will show you, unfailing, that they will do whatever it takes to ensure that it will never happen again. Whether that is giving up drinking, going to anger management classes, or so on.
The spouse who is not willing to change will just tell you that they are willing to but they will put forth no effort. They will make excuses as to why they have not sought out help for their issues. They will try to tell you that they don't need help, that they are fine. Most of the time they will say sorry, but not mean it. The spouse who doesn't see an issue with their problems is the one who never changes. How can you change when you see nothing wrong with what you are doing?Eventually, things will go back to the way that they were before, and maybe even worse.
What Do You Think?
Is it completely crazy or is it the right thing to do, to stick it out with someone who hurt you previously?
When To Seek Counseling
Whether or not you intend to go back to your spouse or not after abuse, you should seek counseling for your feelings if it is something that you are struggling to let go of. Abuse can form PTSD in its victims and PTSD is very hard to live with. The flash backs, the flinching away at sudden movements, the breaking down when someone yells at you, can all be avoided if you allow yourself the help that you need after enduring that.
If you and your spouse do intend to try and work things out then you should seek out a marriage counselor who can help rebuild the trust and relationship between the both of you. Someone who can give an outsiders view and help you both to better understand each other.
A counselor is not going to condemn you for trying again with your spouse, especially if your spouse is willing to change for the better.
I would advise seeking out a Christian Marriage Counselor. Someone who can help you and your spouse understand the biblical aspects of marriage and what is expected out of both of you. This could be especially beneficial to the spouse who abused you, hearing it from someone else other than you, that how things have been going is wrong.
Know When To Get Away For Good
A lot of women stick it out with their abusive husbands simply because they do not want to get divorced. To them, divorce is the worst possible thing that could happen. They want to keep it together for their families, for their friends, and especially for their children.
You cannot thrive in an abusive situation. If you are continuously being abused then you need to walk away for good, even if that means divorce. I understand fearing for what the future holds for you and even for your children if they do not have a father figure around, but ask yourself what is worse. What if your children heard or walked into their father hurting you? What if their father snapped one day and the abuse turned on them and you had to witness your kids enduring the same things? Is that a chance you really want to take?
If your spouse is not willing to change and they continue to harm you then you need to seek help. Pack your things and leave. Even if it seems like you have no where to go and nothing better than what you are dealing with, I can assure you, nothing is worse than staying somewhere that your life is threatened daily.
We all want our marriages to work out for the best, but we should also know that in some instances walking away is for the better.