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- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
GuySpeak 101: A Translation To Help You Understand Men
Understand the Language - Understand the Man
He flirted madly, let you think you were the answer to his prayers, then he vanished off your radar. Oh,he probably didn't actually evaporate. It's more likely that one day he called or walked away, murmuring something along the lines of, "It's not you, it's me". The point is, you're all alone - again - and haven't a clue why.
After all, you attended to his every need, day and night. Shouldn't he be on bended knee right now, instead of sprinting away like a zebra who just spotted a lion? Does this mean you're defective somehow, or clueless? My guess is that you have all the equipment you needed to fascinate the guy - you just didn't read the manual.
The reason you didn't is simple - GuySpeak is another language. Fortunately all it takes is some basic translations to get you started. With practice, you'll become fluent.
Translating GuySpeak is Important Right From the Start
Knowing a man's vocabulary is especially critical when you've just met.
Some classic "just met" doublespeak is:
- He says: Here's my number, give me a call.
- He means: Don't bother. I'm not impressed.
- He says: I can't tell you when I'll call. I'm a spontaneous guy.
- He means: I'll call whenever I feel like it, if you let me. I like things my way.
- He says: I won't be calling for a while because I won't have access to a phone.
- He means: I've got other plans and don't want to be bothered to call you. (There's almost nowhere on earth without phones these days.)
Even if he behaves perfectly at the beginning, he could still throw you a curve before too long. Luckily you will be able to translate and take evasive action.
- He says: Sorry I haven't called for two weeks. I had a work thing.
- He means: I know you'll be there when I call. (And P.S. - you're a backup.)
- He says: (On a Wednesday night at 6:30 p.m.) Work was crazy today. Can I come over tonight?
- He means: You're a backup.
Once you get the gist of the lingo, you could sense a change. Now conversations may begin to sound more like this:
- He says: Oh, you're not available tonight? What about Saturday? No? That's cool.
- He means: Maybe I'd better call ahead next time, and make sure she has time.
If you're sensing a pattern, you're on the right track. But, if you want him to really understand men, you'd best move on to some of the advanced lessons.
Your Reality vs His Perception
Now That You've Got the Basics Down...
By now, ladies, you've probably figured out that knowing his language also means making a few changes in the way you react to him. Don't panic - this is a good thing.
Once you've gotten past the "meet and greet" phase, you may believe that he wants to just flow along, comfortable and secure, just like you do.
He wants that like he wants Leprosy, no matter what he says. But, you're thinking, it's hard enough to figure out what he's saying , how can you begin to translate his thoughts? Easy. Behavior is a tipoff, and behavior is a language, too.
- You talk about your personal problems for an hour and his eyes glaze over: He's mentally got one foot out the door.
- You stop by just to see what he's doing: He looks around for the bars on his cage.
- You tell him you'd like to get married and have kids (after knowing him two months): He's already flipping through his little black book.
Yes, there's a theme here. Needy women press their men for commitment, question them, and some even engage in the dreaded 2 a.m. drive by, just to make sure he's home. Smart women get on with their lives and do exactly what they want.
This serves two purposes:
- You are happy and get to enjoy your usual activities.
- When he can't always get you, he imagines you happily out in the world, surrounded by rivals, even if you told him you're staying in to finish that latest novel.
At a minimum, your self-respect and confidence turn him on.
A lot of men enhance their initial approach by casually murmuring phrases such as, "After a while, dating is such a drag. I envy men who have someone to come home to". This, of course, is your cue to swoon and congratulate yourself on finding a nice guy. Don't fall for it. No matter what he says, you are a free spirit who isn't even sure she wants to get serious. Oh sure, you'll think about friendship, then see where things go. At that point, you become catnip.
One more thing to think about. No matter what he says about his schedule, job, or other commitments, remember that you are important, too. Even if he calls on Tuesday for a date Saturday night at 9 p.m. (because he isn't available until then) do not say yes if you're not comfortable with that. Instead offer a simple, "9 is too late for me, but we can reschedule if you like". Not only will you not lose him, he might actually begin to figure out that you value yourself, and that will pique his interest. Actually, you shouldn't compromise on anything that's important to you when you're dating. Remember, you're setting the standard for your possible future. Understanding men's language is key to helping you do that.
Learn to Become a "Steel Magnolia" - AKA "Dumb Fox"
We women may have come a long way, Baby, but some things never change, including the male ego.
The basic principle is simple. His instincts are to be in charge, to protect and to be, well, appreciated for it. This doesn't mean you actually give up control of your life. It means ensuring he feels in control, protective, etc.
Here's how that might work (and we're back to body language) :
- You're driving along and he's sure he knows the way.
- You know the turn will be on the right but say, "I think it might be on left." He'll congratulate himself on his superior driving.
- You grew up with six brothers and have driven a stick shift since you were twelve. You're buying a new car and take him with you.
- You're amazed at his expertise and insist he take the wheel and test drive it because he's so good at "car stuff".
- You've replaced everything in your house at least once and could do it blindfolded. He's at your house when he offers to fix a leaky faucet.
- You're overwhelmed with appreciation and ask for pointers so you can "learn to do it for yourself".
Naturally you turn on the feminine charm when it feels natural to you both. If your guy is an accountant who doesn't know a transmission from a fuel-injector, fussing over his automotive expertise might ring a teensy bit false. But every man really does have terrific qualities. All you have to do is make the effort to notice and ensure he knows you're impressed.
If all this sounds a bit like Scarlett O'Hara in "Gone With the Wind", there's a reason. For years women were schooled in how to get and keep a man's attention. Understanding men was considered as much a part of being a successful woman as petticoats and sunbonnets, because it worked. It still works. Besides, admit it - you kind of miss being girly, don't you?
The Biggest Love Killer Ever Known - Nagging
In your mind, you are communicating, reminding, or simply pointing out the logic in a situation. The man in your life hears echoes of Mom, a strident teacher, or a tough cookie who needs the last word. He'd rather have a root canal than listen to this.
The question is, how do you avoid tipping into this dangerous territory? The answer is to remain centered and in control of your own life. Remember that actions speak louder than words.
If he's late for a second date, you're sweet but too tired to go out...could he please reschedule? When he wants to take his buddies along on every occasion, you're awfully sorry, but are suddenly swamped. He can't resist constantly going on about his exes? You yawn, change the subject, and never comment on the problem.
The point is that you have a couple of choices.
- Flounder around, crying into your latte as men keep disappearing, or
- Learn the language of men and use it.
Don't feel guilty or manipulative, either. You are ultimately giving your man what he wants, while getting what you want. That's a win-win and there's nothing at all wrong with that.
If you want to have a little fun, click on the Voki Scene pickup link below, then click the play button to see why Katy could use GuySpeak lessons.